Here is a short version of a long story. I just need some advice and someone to share this with.
I joined this site in 2007 when my exhusband had an affair with his assistant at work. We had been together 17 years and were married for 7. We had an 8month old daughter and he informed he could not take the responsibility. Later I found out about the affair. We did the counseling thing but he wanted out and nothing I did could keep him at home. He told me he wanted to be with the OW and we filed for divorce. He then married her.
Next chapter of my life. I met an amazing man who treated my daughter and I like gold. He cared so deeply for both of us. We dated for a while but he was going to live overseas. So we decided to continue the relationship and I would join him once I had the appropriate visas. We visited him twice last year (and I was unable to visit again as I was ill and not allowed to fly). After a year and half of dating he decided to ask me to marry him and I said yes. That took place in April this year. We were still waiting to get the paperwork complete so I could join him. During that time I packed up my life and it felt ok because I felt like I was coming home and was finally going to be with him. I packed up everything and left my life, family and friends behind. I know I took a chance.
I arrived in this new country and he was acting a bit strange...seemed to have very little patience for me. Now I know curiosity killed the cat but one day he went to work and he had left his emails open so I decided to look through them. And I noticed a few too many messages to a woman he had never told me about/ a name I had never heard. I clicked on them and got the bomb!!! Him telling her things about our personal relationship. He told her they were from the same soul group, told her that they had a special bond, went out with her a few times, asked her over many times and usually late at night (i think she declined those), she was the ying to his yang, he bought her gifts and as u know the story of the emotional affair he then told her he had feelings for her. He even went as far to say that having me around was not all he had hoped for and used the phrase "things aren't always what they seem". He said having a family meant his life was no longer interesting. This is so different to the man that literally begged me to come to him. He was still in contact with her for the first few weeks I was here. I could not believe what I was seeing. He was faithful until June/July and I got here in August!!! I confronted him with everything and he replied that he loves me and does not want me to leave. We were supposed to get married next month but I have said I need to think about that and maybe moving it to next year. I asked him why he did it and he said he panicked because he felt a huge amount of responsibility was on its way and he thought being with a single person with no child would be easier.He says he is trying but he is reluctant to stop being friends with all his single female friends and he even asked if I will be friends with this woman he has had feelings for.
If I had not seen those emails he would have carried on behind my back and now even though I have asked him to stop I don't know how to trust him. Trust was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome due to my previous husband and now my fiance puts himself in the same position. Which I don't understand because he carries on about how my ex is a twit for cheating...
So now here I am...I took a chance on love because I am a romantic and loved being married and never really had a bad marriage (even though it ended/ it was a sudden ending not years of unhappiness). Here I am in a foreign country with my fiance, no family, no friends!!! I need some advice...I love him and I want to be with him but I am so worried of a repeat performance in my life. It is not fair on my daughter (3 years old) who is getting attached to him (she is the one person that I need to protect the most).
I'm sorry you're here, and I'm doubly sorry to have to be the one to say this, but:
Go home.
If he has so little respect for you that he is willing to cheat on you and your daughter, knowing you have no support network, then he doesn't deserve to have you.
You aren't going to change him, and things aren't going to magically get better once you're married. If anything, they will get worse.
Pack your things, take your daughter back home, and find someone who loves you and treats the two of you like you deserve to be treated.
Your daughter needs someone to show her she deserves to be treated with respect and love.
She needs someone to show her that it's better to be alone than stuck with someone who treats you badly.
Thanks for the advice. My first reaction was to pack up and go home but he seems to be trying and he has cut off all contact with the OW. I know it seems crazy but I do want to stay with him.Besides this major thing and I know it is major, he treats me really well.
Please can I get some ideas, comments, advice from others out there.
The whole point of divorcebusting is to try resolve the problems and save the relationship and that is what I want to do but it has to be a healthy relationship in the end.
He's got the profile of a cheater. You are walking into this knowing he would have cheated on your behind your back. He SAYS he'll stop, only because he's been caught.
You don't need to divorce-bust, cause you haven't married him yet.
Get out before you end up here again in 12 months crying about his infidelity.
