2 piece or not 2 piece?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hello to all in the piecing forum.

I have been in the newcomers forum for a year now and I finally had the talk with W about the possibility of piecing.

Our main issues now are Trust, and the physical attractiveness of me to her.

I know the hard work I have put in the following 13 months is just the begining of my work load.

I had completely detached from W and let her go.

First I need to decide if I want to proceed with piecing.

I know I could have a healthy M with W.

If anyone knows of a thread I should read please let me know.

I am here to continue my journey for a successful M.
thanks, gr8

[Kalni]

I had the same question a year ago. But I knew what were my reasons that made hesitant to go ahead. What are yours?

Trust: was there an A?
She is not attracted to you? But she wants to try?

Sorry I havent read your sitch. Let us knowof some more details.
Good luck. Piecing for me has been...difficult to say the least. But maybe it is just me...
K

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks K,

Quick synopsis,

I had extreme anxiety and sleep disorder thoughout our dating and M life. This caused intimacy issues b/c I could sleep more than2 hours straight w/o getting up. I slept on the couch most if the time.

No proven affair, 99.9% sure there was none when she left.

I know she did sleep with OM at some point over the separation.
After major talk in May W said she wanted a D so I decided to move on and that included seeing other women.

She said today she is attracted to me and wanted to talk about our issues.

I told her she looks unhappy and it's unattractive.
I told her I wanted her to be happy.
Ask her what makes her happy?
She says she doesn't know.
I say you need to find what that is and I would be supportive.

Future talks are going to take place.

On the fence now.

I don't know if I can get those feelings back again.
We love to have the family back together.

I guess I need to know W wants to work on it for the right reasons. Not just for the kids or not b/c her family is pressuring her.

It has to be because she WANTS to.
If I get that feeling maybe we can begin piecing.

So many more obstacles to overcome-My family and friends.
I know it's ultimately my decision and those close to me will have to accept my decision.

[Kalni]

OK, I read your last few posts on newcomers as well.

First of all, friends and family: it can embarassing but at the end of the day, they all go back to THEIR families, and those who do care about you, will eventually accept your decision if you do decide to give it a try.

Second and most importantly for me was what Michelle here and other "experts" believe: love IS a decision. We as LBSs have been trying to make our spouses see that and come back, now the tables turned, we need to walk the talk as well (not NEED but you know what I mean)

OM and OW: for me it was cheating. My biggest obstacle.Cant give you advice on that other than it takes a lot of strength.

Trust: for me it is a time issue granted both partners are on the same wave length as far DOING it (not trying).

Have you heard the egg and the chicken thing? Unless you feel that she wants it, you cant be sure you want it. Same can be true for her.

Ohhh, it is the toughest place to be. One you worked your a$$ off to get to. But that doesnt mean you should do it with all costs. Is it too late? You know that answer.

If it fear that is holding you back... well, that's normal and wise. Recognise it and deal with it.
Hugs
K

PS Sleep disorders etc: I assume you have that tackled?

PS2 Read Passionate Marriage and then Intimacy and Desire by D. Snarch. For me things in these 2 books were precious and still are. My husband cant read them, we are Greek and they havent been translated. Your wife would?

[Kalni]

Dane,
thanks, I know piecing is difficult but if the rules and boundaries are in place from the beginning then it should be less hard.
That's why it's good to have healthy boundaries in place.

I read that a lot on here, by some veterans too. I disagree. The boundaries you need to set are your boundaries. Decide on what is unacceptable and what is. Have your own 2 feet on the ground and whatever you consider as "rules" "boundaries" etc let them be carefully thought and all things that come from within. Dedalines, ultimatums etc are things we say to others but only bind us. Do not forget that.
You say you want her to show you she wants it. I did too from my H. I still do. And then I went ahead and expected him to show me a certain way. Receipe for failure. This isnt a black and white thing. This involves 2 people working together, compromising and being flexible. Not to principles, to the way you will get to where you want to head. Stick to your guns but expect to be ready to decide which battles you will fight and which you are willing to "lose".

Take it easy now.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

K,
Thanks for your two posts, they were informative.


I have conquered my aniexty and sleep issues.

I am ready to be in a healthy R/M.

[gutwrenching]

No way I could put it better than Kalni. I will add that trust is tough...still a major issue for me, but I'm only 6 weeks into piecing. The toughest part for me was the relief I finally felt when I actually let go and was physically away from my WAW (she never actually left, so when we decided to start the process towards separation and divorce I felt immediate relief and peace after spending months of energy)...I wasn't sure I wanted to lose that feeling of relief.

But for me, it came down to two things: (1) the kids deserved my effort...they didn't deserve having their world rocked without a 100% effort to keep it together. (2) I came to this forum and read Michelle's book with a goal in mind to beat the odds and save the M...I had a chance to meet my original goal and learned how fortunate I was to even have that opportunity

After 6 weeks...no regrets...and it has NOT BEEN EASY...and I still don't trust...but we are working on it