Help, ex coming here in 2 days!

[Augtan]

Hi! I have been on here many time, but don't come back to this thread much cause there doesn't seem to be much activity on here. But, I thought I would try, cause this is really the only spot for me anymore. I have been divorced from my XH for over a year, we have been together many times since, which is a long story. He keeps coming out of MLC tunnel for a few months, but then goes back in, this time because of yet another awful woman he met who is complete trash. Anyway, the last time he was out of the tunnel we were together, but things weren't by any means good. He is a lost soul who is looking for anything to make him feel better, drinking, crazy women, whatever doesn't make him feel trapped or tied down, and me and the kids make him feel that way, so he is here for awhile and then runs.

One of our friends told me that he thought my ex would have to hit rock bottom before he would come out of the tunnel to stay and he thought the only way that would happen is if he lost his job. Well, on monday, he lost his job!! So, he has been contacting me quite a bit, as he doesn't know how to handle it alone and I am sure GF is of no support. So, since he has no job and my 17 yr old that lives with him is doing online school, they can come up and visit the other kids who live with me here (we live 700 miles apart!!). We hadn't communicated very much since he went back into the tunnel in June and that was the last time we were "together" too. I did screw up and start lecturing him yesterday on the phone about lying. He and my 17 yr old had lied to me about something and it upset me, so I broke down and told him and then went off on all the other lies and crap. I cried and told him I am just so sick of lying. I did ask him if he misses being a family and having a normal life to which he said "of course I do". I also told him that I don't want him back, don't want to be his wife ever again and I just want him be to the man he was for his kids sake. I don't know whatelse I can want...he is gone, done and over us. I do pray that one day he will figure out what is right and that nothing matters more than his family. He felt that way for 17 years, so I know it is in there! I guess now all I want is a "normal" life again, and to me being divorced will never feel or be normal no matter what anyone says!

[v1olin]

Yes I agree, we have been separated for 18 months and divorced about 2 and it still feels terribly un-natural. I have detached completely from her yet still, there is a feeling of love there(between us both i beleive).

[optimist2004]

Boy Augtan, that will be a strange situation for you. I hope you and your kids manage it as best you can. I certainly can't offer any advice. But I'll be reading if you feel like unloading.

[Augtan]

Thanks! I am sure I will need to come here over the next few days. Our biggest issue is the very intense sexual desire we have for each other and always have had. We do not have normal divorced people boundries in this area. He has cheated on both the women he has dated with me (one of which deserved it cause she is the one that broke up our marriage so to speak!!), and the other one is complete trash, but I had no clue about her at all until he was up here and we had been together. I have vowed not to touch him this time (we saw each other a few weeks ago and nothing happened, but there was no time at all, we saw each other of a matter of 2 hours the whole 4 days I was in town). I just can't risk getting a disease, as I know this woman he is with now is truly that bad and could easily have one and out of respect to myself. So, I know I have to stay away, but since he is staying at my house (no money for him to stay elsewhere) it will be tempting as it always is and we have always given in to it. I will go stay at my parents house while he is at mine. I have to learn these boundries as it is imperative to my healing, as well as the whole disease thing. We just connect on this level and it was never an issue in our marriage at all. He knows this and I feel takes advantage of it, as well as the fact that he knows I still love him and uses that, which I think is very sick to do to someone you ever even loved at all, playing with my emotions is just pure evil...and I allow it to happen. I just so wish the man I married would come back to earth, I so wish none of this had ever happened, but that is all just a waste of my time. I am just jumping around and not making much sense, so I will go for now!! Any help from anyone who has boundry issues with their ex would be helpful or any advise at all!!

A

[Augtan]

This is the one place I can come and be truthful, not that I lie to my friends and family, I just don't tell them. Ex and I were together again! He intiated it and I just gave in. I am not reading anything into this....but every other time we have been together like this there was no kissing and I felt like a hooker or something because of that, this time he couldn't stop kissing me and it was much more intimate, more like when we were married and things were good. I also don't feel bad or used this time at all. We snuggled and talked and it was just different.

I think the whole losing of his job has brought him out of the tunnel for the moment. One of the things they say on the infidelity board is that you need to be more of what he needs and wants than the OP, you need to be the girlfriend he wants more so than the girlfriend he has, and I know I am doing that right now. He asked me not to let the word get around the town where he lives (I have tons of friends there, we lived there for 11 years) that he stayed at my house cause he just doesn't need sh*t from the slut he is dating, that he has enough sh*t in his live right now and doesn't need more from her (so she must give him a lot of crap or he wouldn't say that). I asked him if they were still dating and he said "sorta".

So, I just am sitting back and being supportive when he reaches out to me and doing nothing else, I am not contacting him or pushing it. In the past I have contacted him after these encounters trying to say cute things, flirting via text, etc. and it has sent him futher away from me. I know the pattern, when he gets back there he feels guilty and retreats, and I have made comments and flirted and that makes him feel worse cause it is in his face that way.

He has two job leads up here and I am praying for my kids sake he gets one of them. I have no false hope or think we will get back together, I don't even know if that is what I want unless he really gets himself together in a much bigger way than I think is possible, but I do still love him and love being with him when he is "normal" like he was the last few days! I am not beating myself up about being with him even though I vowed not to do it, I have so much stuff going on with work that I just have accepted that I chose to do it, I enjoyed it, we bonded this time and am taking life one day at a time. I am dating guys here, one who really wants to be my "boyfriend", but I am not ready for that title at all. I know I am not ready to be in a commited relationship, but it is fun to get out there and know I am still attractive and to have an adult to do stuff with on occasion. Does that make sense? I am not waiting for XH to want to come home! Does anyone else out there have a similar relationship with their ex or am I totally crazy??

A

[optimist2004]

Augtan,
It's good to have a place where you can just put it out there without filtering for what you know people want to hear you say. I can't say I have the same relationship with my ex, but then he's still far away and I don't have that kind of contact with him. He doesn't generally get in touch for anything other than asking for updates on our son, except the one time our son was visiting him (then he was chatty and flirty). And I don't get in touch with him unless I need to tell him something in regards to our son.

So I could claim to have set up really good boundaries. But that's BS, because at this point if my XH initiated sex I'd have a very hard time turning it down. Seeing as how the last time I've been intimate with anyone was with him before we got separated about 2 years ago. Being a single parent in a new town and working a lot of hours in a home office really sees to cut into the dating scene.

Having said that... I think you should be as honest with yourself as you are with your posts on this board. If you're like me, and I think lots of us LBSs on this board share this in common, you are still deeply emotionally attached to your ex and having sex with them only strengthens that attachment (in us, not our XH/W). Which means that although you may say you are not expecting this sex to mean anything as far as his desire to return to you, it is still going to hurt like a mother when he pulls away and signals or flat out says he doesn't want to commit to you.

I'm not beating you up for sleeping with him either. After all, we all have sexual desires/needs. But I wonder if it is really possible for you (us) to really not read anything into it. To not just open up the same wound. And how could you possibly give any of these other guys a chance to show that they're worthy of committed relationship if you're still reopening wounds with your ex? Well, you can't. But I also admit that it would take a Herculian feat of strength and stoicism to turn away from all the signals and crumbs tossed your way by the father of your children and the "normal" man you married, the love of your life, etc.

Frankly, I don't have that kind of fortitude. That's why I still fantasize about my XH telling me he's quit drinking and gone to counseling and wants me back. If it weren't for the fact that my ex was transferred away during our separation and my way of surviving the divorce proceedings was to cut off all communications and only talk to the lawyer, I would probably still be in the push-pull cycle of torture you are in. And, OK, if I'm being honest with myself, I AM still in that cycle of torture. It's just that the peaks and valleys are farther apart because we have so little communication. And I'll be completely honest with you and say, it's basically one long valley, with the occasional scary drop below sea level, and the occasional quit ascent to half way up. Right now, if I could have the drama of the push-pull back with my XH and it came with sex... I really might take it over what I have now.... except when I consider the impact it would have on my son as he gets older.

[Augtan]

Optimist,
Thanks so much for responding and being so honest. I agree with everything you said! I am very emotionally attached to my XH! But, having said that, I truly don't expect anything to change, because it has happened so many times in the past that I know it won't change anything. That said, it doesn't mean I don't want something to change and for him to want to come home, I just don't expect it will happen or get my hopes up. I know he is not at a point to commit to me or anyone else. He is still very messed up.

You are so right about the other relationships too, I am not emotionally available to anyone right now and have told the one guy that many times.

You are being very strong and doing the right thing, plus you are very honest with yourself about your true feeling for your XH. I don't have as many peaks and valleys as you might imagine cause my XH lives far away too, but when we are together it is either really great or really bad.

How old is your son? How often does your ex see him? I know what it is like to be in a new town, working full-time and raising your kid(s) alone...it is not fun and very hard. I found a good friend thru Divorce Care, have you done anything like that yet? If you have then you will know what I mean when I say...I am staying at the line and waiting..don't know how long I will be there, but for now it is what I want to do. Not putting my life on hold or anything, I did move 700 miles away and have GAL, but I am not going to be in a serious relationship or anything like that any time soon at all. I am healing still and don't care that people keep telling me to "move on", my least favorite phrase EVER!! I am going forward, my kids are my world, and I am peaceful. My XH sees my changes and I did them to begin with to save my marriege, but now keep them going for me and my kids.

A

[optimist2004]

My son is 8. He only sees his dad 2x a year. A week for Christmas break and a month in summer. My XH was transferred to another state while we were going through the divorce. At the same time I moved across the country to be in a town I knew I would want to settle in (after moving around with the military) and one I could be happy staying in while my son grew up. Since my XH was moving out of the state, it didn't matter where I went, my son still wasn't going to see his dad much anymore. It was hard to believe that XH couldn't put 2 and 2 together and see that this was the impact of the divorce. But after we both moved XH wrote me a letter that seemed to show that he was just then figuring out how little he'd see his son and what a mistake he'd made. So hard to believe that a person can't look into the future far enough to predict the consequences of their actions. I mean, that's what scientists say makes us humans different than animals, right? XH's mother says men just don't think like that. Which I think is BS. Some men not in their right mind, maybe.

Anyway, I do really like my new town, but I am very, very lonely. That's why I cam back to the boards I guess. I had my brother in town here, but now he's moving. My mom has considered moving out here with me, but I struggle to get along with her. I try not to be picky, but I she doesn't respect my boundaries and pushes me around a lot. Gosh, just like my XH (shocker).

It's really, really hard being in a new town. I've moved around all over the place, but I'm getting to the age where I just want to have a home and close friends and family around me. I feel alone and abandoned and sometimes the dips into depression scare me. I've even started wondering if my son wouldn't be better off living with XH. But, I know that's not true and I've promised him that he will not be moving around anymore. I'm hoping in another year I'll feel much less like this.

I'll have to look into Divorce Care. I too HATE the "move on" phrase. I wonder if it's possible to move on before you fall in love again. Is there always someone you are attached to, and they stay there until they're displaced by someone else? Or can you really be completely over your ex before you've started a new relationship. That's the way I've always assumed you should do it. But now I'm not sure it's possible.

[ShockedOne]

Aug,

The one piece of advice that I can offer is that as long as you continue to give him what he is missing when he needs it, he will continue to come back. Again and again. He is cake eating. Going to fill desires elsewhere when needed, and coming back to you to something these other women seem to not be able to fill. This is a very common symptom with a WAS.

Unless you make a change in your view of your X, this will continue. If you are OK with that, than so be it. If you are not OK with it, you need to make a change. You need to stop making yourself available to him, emotionally or otherwise. You do not need to take his phone calls, you do not need to be his crying shoulder when things are not going his way. You must drop the rope. If he calls, let him leave a message, then you can decide based on the message if it really is worth calling back. Most things can be discussed through an e-mail or text though. Remember, you can be too busy to take the time to talk. Even if it is only because you are taking a walk to think to yourself.

Shock

[Augtan]

Shocked...I totally get what you are saying, but I guess I get conflicting things from different threads and am confused as to what to do. On the infidelity thread they say you need to be better and more to your S than the OP, so you need to be more of a support, more loving, more caring, less drama, all that stuff so they will see that their needs are being met by you and not the OP. They talk about "cake eating" but it always seemed to contratict what they were saying to do with being better than than the OP, and in DBing the book it says to have sex with your S if they are willing cause it bonds them to you more. Which confuses me too cause that is "cake eating" too!!

On the other hand, on the MLC board and maybe the WAS (I don't read that one) they tell you what you are saying. The problem is both make sense to me depending on what your XS or S is doing and stuff. I have tried both, there have been many, many months when XH and I have barely spoken and he has gotton nothing from me at all emotionally and otherwise. And, I have also allowed him to "cake eat" and been exactly what he needs and wants. I think at this point I am doing what I am doing and have done as far this time around in order to get him to want to move here and be near his kids. I want that so much for them.

I think you have to use a tactic that is right for what you S or XS is doing or you preceive them to be doing, and honestly...I think what you are saying to do fits more of what I need to do then what I am doing, but I find myself weak and not able to just cut him off when he needs me and I convince myself that if I keep "being there" for him, he will wake up and see that is what I have been doing for so long and realize I am what is right for him, along with the fact that with me comes being with his kids each day, something those other women can't offer.

But, that is me thinking that he thinks logically and that is something he doesn't at all do. Just like Optimist said they have no forethought ability at all, they cannot see what is really happening and going to happen as a result of their bad decisions. How does a father or mother not want to be in their kids life everyday? I will never, ever understand what else in this world could ever be more important. If my XH had custody, I would follow him to the ends of the earth to be near my kids. And, I know for a fact, because I have a clear memory of our marriage not a warped one like he does, that our marriage was very normal and average, really from what I read and hear..above average. It was by no means perfect or always even good, but it wasn't what he has made it to be in his mind in order for him to be able to justify what he has done.

My XH was abducted by the alien called MLC which was caused by his horrible, awful childhood and early adult life. Not an excuse to get away with it all, but it was the cause and a very difficult one for those that haven't researched it to death or experienced it to understand (like my family). It has been awful to watch a normal man who called each morning from work and greeted me with "hello love of my life, how are you today", who came home each night for dinner, coached his kids in sports, etc. become what he has become. I don't think people can pretend to be someone they aren't for 20 years, I think who he is now is not really him, but I don't hold out hope anymore that the first "him" is coming back. I pray for it, more so for my kids, but don't expect it.

I made great changes within myself and would never, ever be who I am today... such a better person, mother, etc..three years post the onset of the MLC, so for that I am thankful. And, I have said a million times that I would be very thankful for the A and the MLC if we had been able to survive it. I am glad I made the changes and am happy with who I have become, but wish I was sharing it with a healthy husband. XH isn' healthy right now and I have to contiune to remind myself that even though I have changed, he hasn't and therefore it wouldn't work between us as he is right now. I pray for God to change his heart, that is all I can do!

A