It's a new thread! Things are continuing to progress slowly but surely. Tonight three steps in the right direction:
1. H rang me because there was an accident on the road D and I travel on the way home. He wanted to make sure we were ok. 2. H forwarded me a copy of a job offer he received. He wanted my opinion. He skyped later to find out what I thought. 3. I told H my SIL, niece and nephew will be visiting next week. He is going to come and see them.
If you remember, H postponed our weekly dinner but gave no reason. Tonight he told me he is going to see his B and SIL who are nearby on holidays and it was the only night both parties were free.
So, it's quite positive atm but.......I am definitely impatient by nature and I like to fix things quickly. I need super large doses of patience.
It's a challenge isn't it Albuquerque? Punkin, I have had patience in the past simply cos I haven't had a choice. This time I am trying hard to be patient so that I don't stuff things up. Prob a different sort of patience and one that society doesn't promote. We're told to just go get what we want.
This time I am trying to let H lead the way. So, it's all very pleasant and cordial but there's an elephant in the room!! Once I had the need to dissect the past but now I'm more concerned about the future. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself but what about our financial settlement? what about our divorce? The L keeps contacting me and I just want to tell her either to move ahead or to postpone for 6 months but I'm not game cos we all know with MLC that tomorrow could be a whole new story. I need to be ready......
Then there's this tiny panic that we can just keep moving along at this snail's pace forever and we'll be loyal friends and nothing more. ....
I know we're making progress but it's slow and I am tired. It's been a long journey and I need a rest!! There is a temptation to throw an ultimatum but I won't. I'll come here and write down my frustrations instead.
I'm waiting quietly. Soon I'll offer a DVD night or a beach walk. I'll see what happens with his parent's visit and right at that time is his birthday....no idea yet how I'll handle that.
So yes, I still need large doses of patience to keep me on track but perhaps the slightest hint of impatience to ensure this whole thing doesn't just stall!!
H took ow to dinner with his B and SIL. He changed our regular dinner plans to accommodate this. I am not sure what to do now. I feel hurt and angry that he just shoved our plans aside but know it's not to hurt me but doing it to keep himself happy....best of both worlds. I am the wife and she is still the affair partner. Do I 1. tell him that I didn't appreciate it (he knows where I stand but could be conflict) 2. do nothing (am am I then condoning the cake eating?) 3. go back to NC 4. Continue on as if nothing happened
I'm confused. Is it time to draw a line in the sand?
Cas, I'm sorry. You are seeing some positive actions, but your H is still in replay. Considering that, and that you now know why he wanted the change of schedule, I would file it under cake-eating. I think I would tell him that it's best for you if you have a set schedule, and if he can't make it one week...well, you'll see him next week. And since he not only still has OW, but is bringing her into the family, I think I'd also back way off with contact. Forgive me if I've missed something important in your story that would change my mind, but that's how I see it right now.
((Cas))
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I agree with Twink. It's hard as hell but you have to stick to the boundaries you set. The family thing is tough. I know how it hurts me, but blood will always be thicker than water, even when they think he's a total sh#t in their minds.
Twink, thanks for your feedback. I really appreciated it. I sent H a text and said I couldn't do dinner Thurs and suggested he might invite D to his place instead. This gives me time to think about next week's arrangements.
He knows that I know he is still with ow but I still felt it was deceptive the way he changed our dinner arrangements to go for family dinner with ow.
I have expended a lot of energy lately and for no real reason. It seems nothing has really changed. I just got sucked in again. Stupid!
Hey Punkin, just got your message as I posted a reply to Twink. Thanks for your thoughts. As you can see by my reply to Twink I am feeling quite disrespected. It's the way he went about it all.
He hasn't replied to my text as yet.
Been thinking that it's such a pathetic situation not just for me but for ow and h as well.
I sent H a text and said I couldn't do dinner Thurs and suggested he might invite D to his place instead. This gives me time to think about next week's arrangements.
Cas, I'm sorry that this happened. This has to be very frustrating for you. Your response sounds smart. I have to agree with Twink and punkin on this one. Boundaries.
I've been following your thread, but I don't remember if you've had similar situations in the past. The closest I've had to this situation is when XH invited me to a movie, but then tried to reschedule the night before our planned matinee so that he could have his cable TV fixed. He wanted to reschedule for the following weekend. I had a session with Jody a few days later and on her suggestion I sent him the following e-mail:
"I wanted to follow up with you about your movie invitation for this weekend. I’ve been thinking about what happened last weekend with your wanting to go to the movie and then changing your mind on fairly short notice. It made me realize that I’m not sure either one of us is in an emotional place to have a friendship right now.
Why don’t we take a step back for now. Perhaps in a while we will be in a place where your life is more manageable and I’m less vulnerable. Making plans and then breaking them isn’t something I can roll with right now.
I will continue to be available to help with X-MIL if she needs my help in the future. Feel free to have her use my number as an emergency contact. Take care. GAG"
This episode happened about 6 weeks after our D was final so I wasn't really working to prevent a D at that point. Your situation is different in that regard, but I still think your H cares very much for you. Setting a boundary with him (in a gentle way) will make him think that you may NOT always be there for him.
After I sent this e-mail I went pretty dim for 3 months. There was contact here and there but my e-mails were short and to the point. 3 months after this e-mail XH turned a corner and began to be more receptive. He hasn't changed plans on short notice with me again.
