Hello again!

[Buffet]

It has been awhile since I have posted, mostly been lurking but could use some advice again from you guys, I am going to try and copy this from the other forum, please let me know what you think.......

[Buffet]

cannot copy for some reason?? Please look at newcomers under "A little perspective needed please" or if someone can copy that over here that would be great also, thanks!

[MaMaMo]

Buffet here is the link to your thread in newcomers


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...563#Post2078563

[Buffet]

Thanks Ma! Any advice?.........

[MaMaMo]

Quote:
I have had a few conversations with her where I said very plainly and clearly---that I refuse to be her 2nd choice, that I would prefer that we put the work into making us whole again but I would not do it from a one-sided position and that she needs to be as committed to it as I am. And further if she is unwilling to do those things than she needs to leave me alone and stop trying to make attempts at "fake reconciliation". Whenever this happens she usually ends up showing up at my house in tears begging for "one more chance" and hence the circle of crap starts all over again..........



I think you should take your advice ^ from above and run with it.

Remember anyone can you what they want to do, but it is the ACTIONS behind those words that are telling.

If she is not willing to live and die by those words she is just blowing smoke at you.

Is she telling you the truth when she says she is not with the OM?

[Gardener]

Buffet,

Buffet
...tearful scenes of wanting to get back together and be a family again. She at different times has told me that she has broken up with OM, she wants to start to go to counseling, she wants us to be together, she misses her old life, she wants our S2 to grow up in one home not 2, etc etc etc....

Insincere, cake-eating guilt assuaging ,imo.

The problem is that it is all BS.

Yep.

But the times that I have told her that and said that I would be willing to work on things she either a) pulls back completely (normal i know) or b) lies and gets caught--about OM, than blows up and *blames me for all of her problems.

You are answering your own questions, you know.*Guilt assuaging.

...Whenever this happens she usually ends up showing up at my house in tears begging for "one more chance" and hence the circle of crap starts all over again...

Detach, go dark, N/C, establish &enforce boundaries. You are being played by a Script-Master.

This has gotta be tough on you.
Put a stop to it.

So I don't know if I am looking for advice, insight, encouragement, 2x4's or what??

My guess is you're looking for validation of what you already know deep down.

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

I read a book, "I Do Again." The wife blew up a marriage because of an OM. Then two years later she realized that it was all a mistake and she wanted to go back.

The ex- made her wait five years before they got back together. He didn't believe the changes and then he thought it was just because of the kids. It took him forever to believe she truly loved him.

If you decide to go down the reconcile path go very slow and make her work hard to win you back.

[Buffet]

Thanks guys, and that is the problem CTH is that she is NOT sincere and NOT willing to put in any work to get me back---therefore there will be no getting back together.

However it feels now like I am going thru a new beginning of hurt as it is now incredibly hard/sad to think of how my sons life will be b/c of XW choices. It is like I forgot to think/grieve on that during this last year and now that is coming to the surface again----

does the hurt ever stop?

[Gardener]

Buffet

does the hurt ever stop?

Wow.

The first post I read this morning. And I've been thinking about it almost non-stop since.

It's really THE question: why we're all on this forum.

I remember reading once (Eastern? Buddhist?), something along the lines of, "Pain becomes suffering when we do not accept it."

I no longer suffer the loss of my former partner. But the pain is in me.

I no longer the suffer the loss of by dearest friend who I lost to cancer fifteen years ago. But the pain is still in me.

Perhaps the suffering ends with acceptance while pain ("the hurt") can only diminish and recede with time.

Peace.

[soleil]

Perhaps the suffering ends with acceptance while pain ("the hurt") can only diminish and recede with time.

Yeah, I think that's it. Acceptance is definitely necessary for all this to be processed and to be able to move on. Without it, you just spin your wheels and go...nowhere, perpetually stuck in a state of misery.