A little perspective needed please!

[Buffet]

It has been awhile since i have posted here, and in fact had/have moved my sitch over to Surviving the big D forum, however like they say "just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in"!

So what I need some help, advice, perspective, whatever on is this---

Since the D in April XW has constantly made these tearful scenes of wanting to get back together and be a family again. She at different times has told me that she has broken up with OM, she wants to start to go to counseling, she wants us to be together, she misses her old life, she wants our S2 to grow up in one home not 2, etc etc etc....

The problem is that it is all BS. Most of the time her words go in one ear and out the other---now dont get me wrong I would love if my XW would want to come back to the marriage for the right reasons and actually want to make things right on all grounds----our son, our family, most important---our love for each other. But the times that I have told her that and said that I would be willing to work on things she either a) pulls back completely (normal i know) or b) lies and gets caught--about OM, than blows up and blames me for all of her problems.

I have had a few conversations with her where I said very plainly and clearly---that I refuse to be her 2nd choice, that I would prefer that we put the work into making us whole again but I would not do it from a one-sided position and that she needs to be as committed to it as I am. And further if she is unwilling to do those things than she needs to leave me alone and stop trying to make attempts at "fake reconciliation". Whenever this happens she usually ends up showing up at my house in tears begging for "one more chance" and hence the circle of crap starts all over again..........

So I don't know if I am looking for advice, insight, encouragement, 2x4's or what??

Please chip in though with your .02 as I am totally confused, she wants to be together but she doesn't, she wants to be a family but she doesn't, she wants to be with me but she doesn't????? What is it going to take for her to make up her mind??

[Kimmie Lee]

She's f*cking with you and going back and forth until she feels totally and completely comfortable with her decision.

Ignore her. Do not talk to her at all. This is just cake-eating.

[soleil]

The problem is that it is all BS.

Precisely. She doesn't know wth she wants. Actions speak louder than words and she is still with OM and getting caught lying about it and keeps pulling away when you say you want to work on things.

You are right to tell her to buzz off with her words, cause that's all she's offering...pretty words and no committment to truly working on it.

[Buffet]

I agree completely and have done a good job (for the most part) of ignoring this and going about my way, I guess the million dollar question is "why"?---at the same time I guess there is no answer to that question hence why I am here. She still cannot make up her mind 18 months after all of this crap started what she wants, only that she is not happy. Maybe she should look inward not outward for this answer??

It is just a shame that she has taken so many people including her own son along for the ride on this "journey" of hers..........

[A_goodman]

She still cannot make up her mind 18 months after all of this crap started what she wants, only that she is not happy. Maybe she should look inward not outward for this answer??

Hi Buffet,

It's funny how sometimes we say something that is truly ingeneous while we're just letting off steam. And how, often times, were not even aware that we just uttered real profundity because we're so close to it. It happens a lot around here!

IMO, you just solved the riddle. She's messed up. Her fellengs are blinding her to her feelings. She's unhappy. It has her confused and scared. I would not expect it to end until she isn't unhappy anymore. Not sure how that happens or what it looks like.

I haven't read any of your past sitch or looked you up in the Big D room, so I could be totally off, but I think your quote above applies to a lot of us.

Good luck.

[soleil]

Maybe she should look inward not outward for this answer??

Yes. This is the answer.
Her involving you in her BS is ridiculous.
Carry on as you have and remain firm in your stance.

As for the million-dollar question...WHY?...I'm not sure we ever totally understand or know the answer to that question but such is life.

Keep your head up.

[Buffet]

well thanks, actually thanks more than you know. The last 2 responses are very well timed. It seems like when you are in the middle of the storm that you cannot get any perspective on the path to take out of the storm sometimes.

Getting some validation that I am doing the right thing feels good. It is amazing the hold/control that she has had over me for so long that I would question if it is right to have these "demands" of her!!

More and more I have felt a shift of anger/sad/hurt/etc about me and her to those same feelings for S2 who does not deserve this and is the real victim here........

[MaMaMo]

I have had a few conversations with her where I said very plainly and clearly---that I refuse to be her 2nd choice, that I would prefer that we put the work into making us whole again but I would not do it from a one-sided position and that she needs to be as committed to it as I am. And further if she is unwilling to do those things than she needs to leave me alone and stop trying to make attempts at "fake reconciliation". Whenever this happens she usually ends up showing up at my house in tears begging for "one more chance" and hence the circle of crap starts all over again..........

I think you should take your advice ^ from above and run with it.

Remember anyone can you what they want to do, but it is the ACTIONS behind those words that are telling.

If she is not willing to live and die by those words she is just blowing smoke at you.

Is she telling you the truth when she says she is not with the OM?

[Gardener]

Buffet,

...tearful scenes of wanting to get back together and be a family again. She at different times has told me that she has broken up with OM, she wants to start to go to counseling, she wants us to be together, she misses her old life, she wants our S2 to grow up in one home not 2, etc etc etc....

Insincere, cake-eating guilt assuaging ,imo.

The problem is that it is all BS.

Yep.

But the times that I have told her that and said that I would be willing to work on things she either a) pulls back completely (normal i know) or b) lies and gets caught--about OM, than blows up and *blames me for all of her problems.

You are answering your own questions, you know.*Guilt assuaging.

...Whenever this happens she usually ends up showing up at my house in tears begging for "one more chance" and hence the circle of crap starts all over again...

Detach, go dark, N/C, establish/enforce boundaries. You are being played by a Script-Master.

This has gotta be tough on you.
Put a stop to it.

So I don't know if I am looking for advice, insight, encouragement, 2x4's or what??

My guess is you're looking for validation of what you already know deep down.

Peace,

[gr8 day 2B alive]

buffet,

I don't specificly know you sitch either but I may be on the same course as you.

I had mediation this past weekend and I think the fact that legal and financial pressures are scaring my W.

I spoke to our one mtual friend Saturday night. When she was speaking to my W she told her that I had a girl friend.

My W started to tear up and said the her "I only needed some time"

That was cool with me but needing time and sleeping around don't jive with me.

My W is truely unhappy with herself and your's is too.

I believe they are now realizing the grass is not greener on the others side and know the lost their family.

My W wants to talk to me about things today.

I have the eerie feeling that she is going to plea her case to work on things.

I'm not sure what I want. But I know I am leading this R where I Want it to go.

I know one thing I will tell her is"
"You are unhappy and it shows everytime I see you, how can someone else be happy around you when you're not happy with who you are"

It's unattractive.

The roles have reversed. The LBS works hard on themselves, improves their lives and become attractive again.
The WAS continues their ways and the LBS finally realize they deserve better.

IMO. If you want the R with W you need to make her do the work to show you. You have done the work the past X amount of time and the WAS needs to catch up to you.

Whatever you decide you will be just fine.

May you get what you desire. Good luck, gr8

PS keep us up dated here.