Hi everyone. To keep my other thread "clean", I thought I'd start a simultaneous discussion regarding a couple "stingers" I've got in the last week.
When I got the bomb (and even before when I could hear 'the whistling' as it was falling), I had thoughts that there was an 'identity crisis/crises' at play in our M.
Specifically, both she and I had ceased to be "ourselves" and had become merely paycheques; parents; spouses. We had lost ourselves. We had lost sight of our 'lover' and 'individual uniqueness' that brought us together in the first place.
I was also aware that she had done nothing about post partum depression. Took no meds. Really didn't pursue the possibility. Her "bomb" email revealed that she first considered our M "beginning to end" half way through our pregnancy.
We were doing far too much at once. We had only been married a year; had both changed jobs; committed to building a much larger house requiring a move out of 'big city'; new house committed ME to renovating existing home for maximum re-sale (stripped it to studs and planks); we would be transitioning to first child and new house while she was on Mat Leave pay and moving with a 3 month old. Crushing pressure.
Didn't improve when we moved. The stress of the home builder issues/repairs plus the 'cabin fever' of being at home with D did not help her. She used 'retail therapy' to cope. Our fuel bill for her trips to town plus constant new 'kid stuff' caused financial pressure on me especially. And this didn't exactly "endear me" to her.
And the die was cast. The next two years were more of the same. Dayhome decisions. She went back to work. Within 9 months was offered a package or pay reduction (on our anniversary no less)My job wasn't going as well as was sold to me 'in the offer'. When we transitioned D to her own bed from the crib, my wife began sleeping with D (to help) and never really came back to our bed. About June of 09. We'd been in the new house a year.
I got the "feelings have changed. I've tried to change them back but I can't" in December of 09. Bomb email was end of April 09.
Let me add something that really is beginning to concern me for a couple of reasons.
In early May, she didn't come home. I found out the next morning she'd had emergency surgery to remove an ovary and fallopian tube. She didn't tell me til she came home from hospital. Said didn't want to worry me; surgery would have been underway before I could have got there. Fist sized cyst.
I was scared and relieved when she came home. Scared as I could have lost her. Relieved that I wasn't a victim of an affair. (Found out in July I actually was already)
PA confirmed as far back as mid April. OM returned from school and begain working with wife in mid December. He was apparently dissatisfied with his 1.5 yr marriage as well.
The two M's disintegrated simultaneously; near perfect timelines.
The surgery gives me two questions- 1-WAS is a cyst or tubal pregnancy? She went to a clinic because of abdominal pain. (However, being a month after the latest the affair was confirmed-hotel receipt mid April), could she have known 'pregnant'; went to "solve it", and had to go for surgery to do so? Thus no call to me?
(I will ask for the medical records as part of the Separation Agreement)
2-If a cyst, surely a fist sixed cyst took time to grow and, in my opinion. would/should have had an effect on her hormones, right?
After the bomb, I began DB'ing. My suspicions of an A began when she began spending too many evenings with 'friends'. I confirmed it just after the July long weekend.
Exposed it two weeks later while they were on another 'weekend' trip.
Confronted the week after. She left and hasn't returned.
We share D on alternating weeks.
Verbal agreement on splitting household expenses.
They are now living with her friend (who is also divorcing) Prior to this, they were living with his Bro and SIL.
The current situation is somewhat moot.
I am simply pursuing some input regarding the "precentage/likelihood" that this is MLC.
Not that age matters, but she just turned 29.
Her history-
Her biological father left before she was born. (M w/kids) Her mother had an 8 year (part time)relationship with her fathers friend-he left to return to his family fulltime)
My wife was only child of single mom who had no family here. Just some close friends.
My wife moved out when she was 17. did not get along with her mom's new BF.
She moved into appt with her own BF. He had substance issues.
She left and found new guy. Moved in with him. Got engaged within 2 yrs. Bought house together; his substance issue accelerated, became violent. She cancelled engagement. Prepared to leave.
I worked with her from about time of engagement. When it went sideways, we began talking. As it was clear she was leaving/splitting, I asked her out.
Two weeks later, her EX chased her in his car. She called me. Came to my house. We were together ever since.
Pattern, yes. I however am not subsatance abuse nor violent.
I'm curious what MLC'ers have to say. Just need some more perspective.
CD, I could be wrong, but if a cyst was fist size when it was removed I believe there would have been a lot of pain as it was growing to that size. Seems like you W would have been aware that something was wrong long before it got to that size.
Since I have not experienced a sitch like that I'm only going by what other women have told me about them.
No real input here other than to say that some cysts are painful, others are not. When I had my hysterectomy, they told me I had sings of having had several cysts on my ovaries. News to me. Never had that type of problem. Most cysts are benign, non painful, and go unnoticed other than the symptoms they offset in other nearby organs/placed.
As to your suspicion that it could have been something other than a cyst; anything is possible. I can't imagine having surgery, being gone overnight, and not telling my H unless I was hiding something. To each their own.
CD, the first thing that came to my mind - pregnant and knew it, in the A, didn't know whose it was and didn't want another a child with either of you. Secretly went for an abort and didn't want to tell you?
Only the medical records will tell. Other than that it's merely guessing.
I'm with Timeheals on this - what does it matter what label you put on it? If it could be known it's definitely an MLC (which no one can tell you with any certainty anyway), would you be acting differently?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Time- I agree. It changes nothing about my actions or journey. I ask because I wanted to know why these MLC’ers point it out. If the actions are no different…….?
Seeking- Understood. She said she asked about why it wasn’t discovered in post birth check ups? She also said the only reason she went into a clinic was because D2 had bumped her while playing a week or two prior and the discomfort didn’t go away. I make a point of saying “She said because…..’
Steady. My thoughts come from there, too. However, I know that it wouldn’t have been mine.
So,if nothing changes regardless of MLC, then this thread will likely die. I suppose all that could change is my viewpoint if she ever turns back to the family. It would mean that much more work will be required on her part. My guess.
Can’t think of a reason why now three would point out the MLC scenario.
Further, why did it sting, then? Again, that’s why I’m asking.
CD, People may be getting hung up on the term MLC. Remove the M and you end up with Life Crisis.
Transitions happen to all of us every 7 to 10 years. From what I understand a crisis develops when a transition runs off the track and gets out of control and the person has trouble navigating through it.
A LC can happen at any age. Things that contribute to a LC can be childhood issues, depression, whacked hormones, and failure to finish growing up. (Same things you'll see in a MLCer)
Failure to finish growing up gives people skewed views on reality, unrealistic expectations of how they think life should be versus handling the bumps that are inevitable in the grown up world.
Many lack the tools in how to deal with the bumps and see running as the answer to escape their pain. They have to learn that they are the only ones responsible for their own happiness. It doesn't come from someone else, it comes from within.
They have to be left to their journey without interference as it is the only way they will ever have a chance to resolve their issues.
CD, I've followed you from the beginning. You're a quick study and like me, you'll dig until you're satisfied that you have the answers for yourself. IMO there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're not obsessed and living your life. Sounds as if you're doing just that. You're going to be better than OK no matter how your sitch turns out.
Continue to take care of you and your beautiful D.
They have to be left to their journey without interference as it is the only way they will ever have a chance to resolve their issues.
This is the key CD ^^^^
I am no MLC expert. I do know for sure my W is in crisis. No one would choose the choices she is/was making... if they were healthy.
From what you have shared about your W and from what her choices have been I do think she is in some kind of crisis.
The cause of which you may ever know.
As PDT would argue all WAS are behaving irrationally. I would agree to a degree.
There is a spectrum of behavior. One might say we get the crazy of the crazy over here.
All of us LBS's want answers. We come here for the answers. It is part of the healing and growth process.
One answer might be well my spouse is just f@cked and I made a mistake choosing them as a life partner...
If that answer fits for you then just move on...
We say there is no difference for the LBS if MLC vs. Not becuase the LBS still has to grow through the same process. Detaching, questioning, the inward focus, lettting go, understanding, acceptance.
Understanding that your W is in crisis. Understanding what happened in your M. Understanding your part in it. Understanding why you made the choices you did.
Part of the process CD.
All of that takes time. And you have to live it to know it.
For me I found answers that I didn't even know I was looking for.
My questions were ones I didn't know enough to ask.
Until I was ready to learn.
Marriage doesn't entitle us to anything.
We are not entitled to anything from our spouses.
Our spouse is another person we choose to share our life with.
Good and bad.
It is what we choose to do with the bad that makes us who we are.
The fact that your W was choosing to be in an unhealthy relationship when you met her...
The fact that you were the white night...
Tells me there is some work left for you CD IMO.
Will she just find someone else to rescue her?
Will you find someone else to rescue?
Is this why the MLC question stings?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
