A few months ago he began having an EA with a woman at work, I confronted him and he said he wanted our marriage to be like it was before and she had noticed that something was wrong with him. When I confronted him, he was already contemplating leaving. After we talked he said he wanted to work things out. I had no idea he felt this way.
Things were great for about a month and then he started saying that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married. He kept saying I hurt him too badly, that I pushed him away. He said he had felt like this for a couple of years.
He started crying alot and staying away from our home- staying out until early morning and drinking pretty heavily.
He moved out of our home about 4 weeks into this and was gone for 1 week, but came back because our 12yD refused to speak to him for 3 days. He stayed for less than a week and started several arguments when I brought up our marriage. Or the fact that he still wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to have any emotional attachment to him. He even cried once afterward.
He still wanted to hold me and take care of me, which became very confusing for me because of his disconnect.
He left 11 days ago and both kids, 12yD & 8yrD, refuse to speak to him or see him. Both are sending emails/texts to him and writing in journals, leaving them for him to read. Both are being very hateful and extremely mean. I have tried talking to them and have said nothing bad about their dad. I ask them everyday if they will talk to him or see him, but both are still refusing.
12yD has sent 2 hateful emails to the OW (he works at a very small company & we all know each other very well), the latest was today & he called me to let me know. We ended up in a very big disagreement and he hung up on me.
Looking back, there was some behavior I didn't realize might be related and that has led me to believe this is MLC.
He was getting more absorbed by his job, lots of parties and late nights. Lots of drinking. Spending money on stuff that he didn't really need and isn't using. Lots of high ticket items-high dollar sporting events, expensive jewelry for both himself and me. He started asking to buy a new car about 18 months ago and it wasn't until early this year that he came out with the statement that he wanted a ferrari. He did buy a $100k sports car, not a ferrari. His father had a heart attack just about a year ago. Just around the time my H started the EA his uncle passed away. I remember now that on the night of the funeral he had quite a bit to drink (excessively drunk) and he commented that talking to his cousin made him realize that his parents could die at any time.
I'm just to a point where I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I should stop responding to his texts. His texts to me are basically: tell the girls good morning, how was their school day & tell the girls goodnight. Occasionally, there are emails or texts about finances or about sessions with C or texts that I initiate when the kids are really upset.
He has only made an effort to see his children via email or texts. The children decided this evening that they are not going to email or text him anymore, because they become increasingly frustrated with him. He doesn't answer all of their questions & constantly tells them to ask me when they have questions about why he's doing this to our family.
There was a weekend morning that the girls & I went to breakfast & were gone for about 1.5 hours. I forgot my cell phone & for an hour he tried calling & texting. He called my cell phone 18 times & he called my daughter's cell 7 times (in addition to calling our house and driving by). I find this a little odd. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/17/1003:43 PM. Reason: wrong link
Welcome. I read your input on the other thread, and am glad to see you decided to open your own.
First, we all have personal insights into MLC, and it certainly sounds as if that is where your husband is. Some may be helpful. Some may be painful. All are given with respect.
You mention you feel you should quit responding to his texts. I think that would be a wise decision at this point. As you have probably noticed, detachment is a big deal on this board. It has helped me tremendously to be able to detach from my H's wild ride. But, you have young children, and that makes it a bit harder. So, my advice to you would be to keep is to finances and children's well being, and nothing else. It will help you, it will probably help your children, and will make your H aware you are not there for his every word.
Cadet will be along to give you the resource reading, and, take your time, but come back and re read often. It is a source of strength when feeling weak.
Try to remember that you didn't break him and you can't fix him.
Focus on yourself and your children. Let him take care of himself. That's a tall order for most, as women, most of us have been the household 'managers' and that includes the day to day of the H.
Take care of yourself. We'll be here.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
First thing I can think of is the three main things you must do here is #1 detach, #2 Patience, #3 Work on yourself. These are in no particular order of importance. Actually #3 should be the most important.
Your H is on a journey, and he is forcing you to take one too. At first you will fight the fact that you have to do it but as you step forward you will find that it is a necessary journey. On this trip the destination is not as important as the sights that you will see.
There are no tactics here. MLC is not for the weak willed. It is a marathon not a sprint. You must outwit, outplay and outlast you H MLC. In the process you must find YOU. That is the person that we are concerned with here. YOU!
Start reading, learning and posting. Ask lots of questions because the only bad one is the one you do not ask.
I am sure others will come and look in on you and give you some more advice. This is a great place to be. Enjoy.
You need to decide after reading. We can only give you our perpective.
We focus on you. Your healing and growth.
That starts with detaching.
Originally Posted By: Pez
I feel like I should stop responding to his texts. His texts to me are basically: tell the girls good morning, how was their school day & tell the girls goodnight.
My advice on detaching is to let your pain guide you. Are these innocuous communications emotionally upsetting to you?
In dealing with him the goal is to take the chaos of emotion out of it for you and your children. Not get caught up in his craziness.
No reason to be mean or spiteful. If you find you can't talk with out being angry then don't talk. Be firm but courteous.
The best advice I have about children is
It is not your job to repair their relationship with their father.
Your job is not to damage it.
To me that would also inlcude damage control as much as you are able from your side.
I would be interested what others have to say but I might lay down the law with the girls about contact OW.
It is hard enough for the LBS to process the feelings of anger etc. let alone having young girls thrown into the mix.
Just my opinion.
Sorry you are here. Welcome to the best worst place to be as we say here.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It's not that I'm being brought into his craziness. It puts me in the middle of the relationship between him and the girls. He confuses me quite often. On the day he moved out (this time) he was going to a party at his 93 old aunts house (my favorite relative) and I was an absolute mess (crying all day) and he asked me to go with him and the girls. I said no. The girls refused to go too. They were largely upset that he was leaving, but he was acting like everything was normal.
I would love to say welcome to this board, but it really isn't a place any of us really want to be :-) I can tell you that the friendships that I have made on this board have really helped me! This is a place I can tell everyone what crazy insane thing is going on in my life and they all respond with advice that helps you stand strong.
When you hear everyone tell you that on this board we focus on you - it is true! When I first came on this site in August, I was an emotional basketcase. doing all of the things you shouldn't do when faced with a S in the middle of a MLC. I just couldn't UNDERSTAND why he was doing what he was doing. and I found that most of my anxiety was because I wanted to "fix" his problem. But painfully, I realized I cannot fix this - it is his only to fix. Putting that anxiety aside has helped me to focus on my 2 Ds (12 and 10) and on myself.
I look back to the first 2 months after he told me he loved another woman and moved out...I have changed so much! Even though it is sometimes difficult dealing with my H and the alien that has invaded my husband's body :-) I take time to figure out what makes me happy. Plain and simple I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. It's not easy, but boy it feels good when you can finally get to that point.
As far as your older D who has contacted the OW...I had this issue with my oldest D as well. My D found the OW on facebook and was looking through pictures of her and told me that she thought about emailing her. I carefully told her that it wouldn't help. The OW would never email her back. It would put her dad into a position to defend the OW and that would be bad. I was just very caring and sensitive when we talked and she agreed that it wouldn't make her feel any better. My D has a nightmare over and over that the OW is being pushed infront of a bus and killed - and I am doing the pushing! NICE.
When the girls see me doing okay and happy, it makes their anger at the OW and their dad ease. If you are okay = they are okay. Trust me.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Welcome to the boards Lala. Im sorry that you are here, but you have come to one of the best places for advice and comfort during such a hard time in your marriage and life. It has helped me through some very dark hours in my marriage, and its still helping me today
There are lots of people here ready to help you. Work on yourself and take care of your kids. Thats all you can do during this time.
Take Care
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
