So, I am trying to wrap my head around everything. Almost all that I have read indicates that the WAS is mad and angry or otherwise mean to the LBS. A lot of the rules are based in the idea that being around them is unpleasant or how to avoid fighting. That's not an issue for us. In fact we are better friends right now than we have been in years, even though i have weak, painful moments.
So what if avoiding anger is not the case? What if the WAS truly seems happier with the fact that the relationship is over? It's almost like a weight has been lifted off of him. He was so miserable that it showed in our interactions. Now that he doesn't have the misery hanging over his head he is able to be fun and funny with me again (well, when he is around, anyway).
But knowing him as i do, he is used to people not being there for him, used to people walking out on him, used to people not talking to him for YEARS. Going dark will be best for me, and when he moves out I plan to. It's too hard right now, since i have to see him every day, multiple times a day.
In the past, when he was done with someone he was done. He always wanted to be their friends afterwards, but none of them ever did. He doesn't talk to them because they essentially go dark. He respects it an leaves them alone. It never got him to go back to them. He just dropped the friendship.
But has anyone had a NOT mean spouse? One who seemed happier alone than with you? One you didn't fight with and overall had a pleasant relationship with?
I truly don't know my best course of action. I DO think I'd rather be friendly than friends, but will likely have to go dark for a while to heal. But I hoping a friendship is possible one day. I just don't know that it is.
But I keep reading about these spouses that waffle back and forth, go from happy to mad, etc. He does none of that. He was done, he said so, he fought me briefly, and is now 'friends' with me. He never ever even mentions 'us' or working on anything. He has bits of flirtation, but he IS a flirt and flirts innocently with everyone he knows. Even friends. So because of our past I read more into it than I should, I know. I just don't know where he is at other than what he tells me. His actions are clear of a man who is uncomfortable being around the KIDS and wants to be away from the house, but when he's with ME he's fine. He has guilt about the kids, but not me, I don't think. It's so strange to think he really is over me completely. With no question at all. So painful.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
He probably does have guilt but it's awfully buried. I'm not sure you can declare he is "over you" but he may be awfully, awfully detached.
He is not the one that gets to decide if the two of you will be friends or not - that is up to you.
If your H kept his feelings hidden for a long, long time he might be on a "natural high" of relief that *something* is out in the open. Eventually (and you may never know a thing about it) the "high" feeling will be gone and he will have to deal with things in his own mind. It might be 10 or 15 yrs from now but I tend to think people that leave marriages have to process (even if in their own way) the aftermath of that somehow.
Do what is best for you - if going dark allows you to heal then do it. Take care of you.
This is something I wonder about too. Me and H don't fight, we've never really fought and when we did it was resolved fairly quickly and easily (or so we thought I guess). The only thing he's gotten angry with me about is signing these bogus papers he's had drawn up, but since I told him I know about his OW, he hasn't even pushed that. I won't say he seems happier though, he's just emotionless since coming home. Even when he's "happy" it's like there's nothing there, not like he used to be. Your H and mine sound a lot like in the "being done" area though. My H is stubborn, once he has his mind set, that's it. So it's hard to think that because he's set on this D, whether he realizes it's right, wrong, etc, he'll still go through with it.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
My WAH is acting the same way. He seemed to go through an emotional tornado during the first week that he dropped the bomb. Hysterical sobbing, anger, sorrow, more anger, then he just started acting like I was his friend. Either he's not home, or he acts as if we've been roommates forever and had never been married. He doesn't bring up the D, or the R. I asked him to stay gone from the home for at least a week while my mom was here and I haven't heard a peep. I'm just so gobsmacked that he could have no emotion about walking away from everything we've built for 18 years.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
Your husband sounds very much like my WAW. Didn't argue, didn't express their feelings and when previous relationships were finished, that was it no turning back, but wanted to stay friends. How can this be, is it some sort of dream world they live in? She seems to be emotionless now but turns very angry and hostile when she doesn't get her own way. I am better off in the NC phase.
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074259#Post2074259 M:64 W:45 Married: 08/07/2000 No children Bomb drop:05/04/2010 Moved out:05/04/2010
