I've seen this said several times and it's something I would like to examine. I'm not being critical of the statement, I just want to understand it better to determine if it's something with which I can agree.
If you love someone, do you give them what they want? Certainly, you would not give your children what they want, but they're not adults and don't necessarily know what's good for them. Your spouse is an adult, but if a Wayward, WAS, or in an MLC, do they necessarily know what's good for them?
In this context, what they want is a divorce. As a practical matter, there are not that many jurisdictions left where a spouse needs the other spouse's cooperation to get one, so it's not as if we can deny them one. However, should we go to the point of leading them through the divorce and actually hasten the process? If I remember correctly, MWD would tell you to stall, I think.
So, do we give them what they want just because we love them?
Can we believe them when they say what they want, even if they haven't filed themselves?
Even if they really want it, should we facilitate it?
Or, should we just let them know we are good with it, but not move it along any faster than it would otherwise go?
Your spouse is an adult, but if a Wayward, WAS, or in an MLC, do they necessarily know what's good for them?
A better question is "if you think they do not know what is good for them, and they are functioning adults, then who do you think you are? Their parent?" Mighty arrogant if you ask me.
I think it is apt that you chose children for your line of reasoning. This thought process is clearly aimed at reducing your spouse to a child in your judgement.
You might want to examine that premise.
Why would you do that? Is it because you do not agree with what they feel? So, like a child who feels angry because they can't have ice cream for dinner, their feelings don't matter?
Where's your empathy?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/15/1001:10 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Your spouse is an adult, but if a Wayward, WAS, or in an MLC, do they necessarily know what's good for them?
A better question is "if you think they do not know what is good for them, and they are functioning adults, then who do you think you are? Their parent?" Mighty arrogant if you ask me.
I agree. Can anyone objectively state what is good for someone, anyway? It's all the matter of perception.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
^ Yep. And everyone's perception is their own truth. So who is to say that what one person things is wrong/right?
Children and adults are not comparable so that is moot. A child needs an adult to nurture and make the best decisions for them, an adult can do this freely on their own.
If one spouse wants a D and files, that is their choice.
People always say "Why would you watn to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you" and it's true. (although hard to take in).
If a spouse has said they want a D but has taken no action, my advice is for the other NOT to file, work on themselves and the M and let the other one know they do not want a D and want to save the M, are willing to do anything to make it work.
If the other spouse files anyway, then you need to protect yourself.
Letting them go is crucial in this case.
If they haven't filed, I see that as a positive.
Originally Posted By: MakingProgress
So, do we give them what they want just because we love them?
You let them go because 1. you love them and 2. you love YOURSELF enough not to let yourself be dragged.
Originally Posted By: MakingProgress
Can we believe them when they say what they want, even if they haven't filed themselves?
If they haven't filed, I see that as a positive. And, their actions are indicative of what they are feeling. Always remember, actions, not words.
Originally Posted By: MakingProgress
Even if they really want it, should we facilitate it?
Each sitch is different. There are folks who had a spouse leave and say they wanted a D yet never took action, so they filed themselve. There are others who never filed but their spouse did.
Originally Posted By: MakingProgress
Or, should we just let them know we are good with it, but not move it along any faster than it would otherwise go?
It's not about being "good" with it. It's about accepting the fact that the WAS doesn't want to be with you anymore. If you have communicated you want it to work and they continue to tell you they don't, you have to learn to accept it, eventhough it sucks and isn't what YOU want. But again, I would not advise filing if you do not want the D.
My wife did file, so I am talking about hypotheticals at this point. I am trying to reconcile some of the apparently conflicting positions I see. E.G., Don't believe what they say/Give them what they want. They are in a fog, not rational/but they are functioning adults.
Your spouse is an adult, but if a Wayward, WAS, or in an MLC, do they necessarily know what's good for them?
A better question is "if you think they do not know what is good for them, and they are functioning adults, then who do you think you are? Their parent?" Mighty arrogant if you ask me.
I think it is apt that you chose children for your line of reasoning. This thought process is clearly aimed at reducing your spouse to a child in your judgement.
You might want to examine that premise.
Why would you do that? Is it because you do not agree with what they feel? So, like a child who feels angry because they can't have ice cream for dinner, their feelings don't matter?
Where's your empathy?
My understanding is that you show empathy with validation not by agreeing.
My wife did file, so I am talking about hypotheticals at this point. I am trying to reconcile some of the apparently conflicting positions I see. E.G., Don't believe what they say/Give them what they want. They are in a fog, not rational/but they are functioning adults.
Everyone's sitch is different which leads to so many conflicting positions.
My wife did file, so I am talking about hypotheticals at this point. I am trying to reconcile some of the apparently conflicting positions I see. E.G., Don't believe what they say/Give them what they want. They are in a fog, not rational/but they are functioning adults.
Everyone's sitch is different which leads to so many conflicting positions.
Did you respond to your W's petition?
Not yet. I was just served. I am a litigation attorney and until about five years ago nearly half my practice was divorces. I stopped doing so many of them because I dislike them so much. Ironic, isn't it?
