STBXWW in EA since January...exposed to OMW, OM family & friends, WW friends and family. Several tense moments culminating in the POSOM calling the police on me for "threatening Him" by telling him to stop talking to my wife (Twilight Zone anyone?). I digress...STBXWW is in an apt and I'm with staying with family...DD's split time at both locations.
I'm GALing, Holding onto My N.U.T.S., No More Mr. Nice Guy, setting boundaries, etc.
FWW and I were about to enter mediation...then last week the following happened:
Just as the script reads, STBXWW discovered that POSOM is a psycho that was using her...keep in mind this was an EA only. He started threatening her saying he would make her life miserable, that he knows people and could get me fired, etc. She has ended contact with him...deleted him from her contacts.
STBXWW and I had a wonderful weekend both with and without our DD's. Spent the night together and ended up ML...she initiated while I was rubbing her back.
We had a nice discussion earlier that evening and I told her to just let it all out. I won't go into the details of what happened between STBXWW and POSOM but STBXWW reluctantly did something out of the kindness of her heart. I just kept telling her "I understand your feelings, they're yours and I'm not going to try to talk you out of them".
This was the first time since this all went down that STBXWW has shown genuine remorse. She told me that I was right about POSOM.
The only thing I could do was to just hold her, comfort her, keep her safe, and just let her cry. She said she was afraid that I would hate her and asked a few times why I didn't hate her and why I wasn't angry with her. She said she was scared of everything and that she is extremely fragile.
STBXWW said she misses my back rubs and that I give the best back rubs.
We agreed to piece together the marriage.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Wow - lowe / it sounds as if you handled it perfectly. I have been thinking recently that if I ever had the chance to piece that using something like a structured separation might be a good first step - where it was slow enough for me to maintain my balance.
Good luck!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Wow - lowe / it sounds as if you handled it perfectly. I have been thinking recently that if I ever had the chance to piece that using something like a structured separation might be a good first step - where it was slow enough for me to maintain my balance.
Good luck!
Thanks Irish.
In my case the separation allowed me to grow as an individual and that made me attractive to FWW. My biggest problem is I overanalyze every little thing instead of looking at the big picture. I like who I've grown into...remember, the smallest consistent change.
The whole chain of events was just mind boggling. At one point I'm thinking there is no way we are going to reconcile so just concentrate on co-parenting...then 24 hours later...BAM...here we are.
We had a conflict last night but we have since worked through it...
Last edited by loweinsd51; 09/16/1003:20 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
The whole chain of events was just mind boggling. At one point I'm thinking there is no way we are going to reconcile ...then 24 hours later...BAM...here we are.
Tell me about it. I'm basically going through the same thing right now and It's really impressive.
I went from on a Wednesday having a girlfriend I was very happy with and a wife that I never even spoke to, to on Friday dumping my girlfriend and having sex with my wife on her couch later that night.
Things were going great for us until Sunday night. Her married male cousin (not blood related) came to stay the night with us on his way back home. We had a great time and went through about three bottles of wine. We all go inside around 10:30PM and my W tells me "you should go to sleep now" and then she invites her cousin down to the apartment jacuzzi.
That didn't sit to well with me and I tried to explain that to my wife and in the process I went ballistic. F bombs, go to he!! I started packing to go stay at my parents house. I eventually regained my composure apologized and then slept on the chair (her cousin was on the couch).
Last night my wife said she needed to be alone and needed some space and requested that I sleep on the couch. I obliged kissed her goodnight and told her I love her.
So today I will not text or call her to check in.
Were my initial objections warranted or was I just being insecure? And is this repairable?
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
I only read the few posts here and from what you wrote you said she came back to you aftr she discovered OM was using her???
To me it sounds like you agreed too easily to reconcile.
What work has she done to prove to you she was willing to work on the M?
I think you gave into too quickly to the idea of piecing.
So that's done with. How do you proceed forward?
Let her sleep on the couch. Continue to detach from her and GAL.
She hasn't had the feeling of losing you yet. That's a game changer.
Oh yeah, never get into an arguement after there has been drinking.
My neighbors use to do this all the time. I had to tell him I saw the pattern with his W.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 10/12/1006:36 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
IC went well yesterday. Co told me that I was warranted to tell my wife that I was uncomfortable with the jacuzzi situation. Also told me that it seems my wife has a problem with personal boundaries.
A mutual friend was over last night so I thought that I would sit at the table and join in the conversation. They left and we all went to another friends house in the apt complex and I helped hang some fall decorations. She offered my wife and I some wine so we talked and had a glass of wine until it was time to take the kids home. I took my DD's home and got them into bed asleep. Wife stayed at her friends house for another 1 1/2 hours.
Wife got ready for bed climbed in bed and started pushing my legs away from her. I naturally asked her if something is wrong and she said that she needed some space and I'm not giving it to her. Said that she wanted to talk to her friend alone and that I was being clingy. I told her I was offered a glass of wine and I wanted to drink it so I did and it's irrelevant to me that you wanted some alone time. Keep in mind that my wife stayed another 1 1/2 hours after I left.
I then told my wife "you know what your right I think we both need some space because I have a lot to think about as well and I need to decide if my needs are being met" She responded something to the affect of good luck trying to find someone as good as her. I replied "I could say the same to you" then I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got ready this morning gave my wife a kiss on the cheek and said bye and she responded with bye.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
A couple days ago she pushed me away in the morning when I was trying to cuddle up to her and build some intimacy. I told her later "I feel sad and rejected when you push me away from you" She replied "you're to sensitive" to which I replied "No, those are my feelings".
Later in the evening after discussing my employer's health insurance, I was playing with my guitar pick and she said "stop making those annoying sounds" and I replied "I'm not going to tolerate being talked to in that manner so this discussion is over and we can resume it later when your calm". A little later I told her "I will not tolerate being talked down to or being talked to in a disrespectful tone. When that happens I will walk away from the conversation"
Yesterday I needed to get new tires so while I was waiting I had an important issue that needed to be addressed...we started discussing via TM. When we got home she was short so I asked her if she was in a bad mood and she said "now I am" I asked why and she said "you interrupted my me time". Told her I didn't realize it was your "me time". I then said "I'm no longer going to tip toe around issues and I'm not concerned if that upsets you.We have an issue that needs to be discussed so I decided to start the discussion."
Later she said that she was irritated with me and I told her "I don't appreciate being called irritating". She said she was sorry and that irritated was the wrong thing to say and that she just wants to be left alone.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
then I'll take that ass kicking anytime