I was wondering about the efficacy of this. Is making your spouse aware that you will not be friends with them after the D emotional blackmail that will backfire on you, or a valid way of offsetting the perceived advantages of a divorce and an effective way of overcoming the dynamic that allows a WAS to believe that D is the best and perhaps the only option for them?
Is there any advantage to remaining friends or is that dependent on varying factors?
If you have kids together, as I do, it would be beneficial to stay friendly with WAS.
I do not want to be her friend, however I need to communicate with this woman every week for the next 20 years.
If you are telling your spouse you will not be their friend as a way to win them back, it won't work.
2pennies
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 09/14/1001:14 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Great question. I think this is personal to each of us, but I can only tell you what my feelings are, and what I did.
I think it's different when there is infidelity involved, for starters. My wife (who was having an affair during the Summer of 2007) was under the illusion that somehow we were going to stay best friends even if we divorced over it. So one day -- about a month into my knowledge of her affair, and her refusal to end it -- I told her that:
"I should be clear with you about something. I have absolutely no intention of remaining 'best friends' with you if you choose to end our marriage this way -- by having an affair, running away, and lying to your parents and our children about it. We'll be civil, and we'll co-parent effectively, I'm sure, but we won't be friends. If you decide to end your affair now, however, and come back and work on this with me, going to marriage counseling, each of us addressing our issues, and it doesn't work out -- say after a year -- and we choose to divorce, then yes, I could see a time where eventually we could become good friends again, even though it won't be the same. But not what you're doing now, I'm sorry. This is NOT how friends treat each other, and I respect myself too much to put up with a so-called 'friend' who would do that to me."
She told me the day after she ended her affair, and asked back into our marriage, that this was the NUMBER ONE REASON why she decided to end it. "I missed our friendship," she told me, tears streaming down her face.
As someone stated above, however, this has to be how you TRULY FEEL. You can't do this as some "technique," to win them back, as that will smack of pursuing (and you shouldn't bluff with something as intimate as a "best friendship" anyway). It has to be authentic.
I think even without infidelity there is a line one can draw between being friends vs. being friendly.
Staying friends enables WAS to brush off the quilt. If you are still a friend you must not be hurt enough from what they did to you.
But indeed it is individual. I have a friend who is friends with her ex and her new husband. They hang out together all the time. It is a strange triangle which to me is not healthy. But I am weird that way.
Is making your spouse aware that you will not be friends with them after the D emotional blackmail that will backfire o
It's reality. If they are under the impression that you will be their friend, then you need to set the record straight.
In the future, would your future wife invite your former spouse over for a dinner party thrown for your "friends"? Nope. The fact is that if you divorce and move on, you WON'T be friends.
That's just being real.
It's not something you say to elicit any response, to force them to deal with guilt or any such thing. It's the doggone truth.
Trust me. If you move on and re-marry, unless you want another divorce, you aren't going to be friends with a former spouse.
This all goes back to setting good, healthy personal boundaries.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/14/1001:55 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
"Friends" doesn't work for me. Down the line, I may feel differently but not now. I can't be friends with him. He seemed to think I'd want to hang out and carry on as if nothing changed but I told him that wouldn't work for me.
It's hard to be "friends" with someone who breaks your heart.
It's hard to be "friends" with someone who breaks your heart.
"Why you trying to kiss the @$$ of somebody trying to @^!t on you.?" - $H!t My Dad Says
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
