Dealing with Jealousy

[Nvrgivup]

I was hoping to get some advice on how to deal with the extreme jealousy I'm feeling. My wife has recently admitted to being in a relationship with an OM. We have been separated about one year as of now. I believe this relationship has been going on for aprox. 3 months? I had actually brought it up to her about 4 months ago, and she continued to vehemently deny it for the first little while, she finally "announced" it to me about a month and a half ago, and to our children about a week later. I am following the advice I have received here, and read in DB. As little contact as possible, no pursuing etc. My problem is really with jealousy! I am trying to follow the program, trying hard not to even think about them being together, but I am struggling. I feel like I wanna kill this guy at times. The thought of my wife being with another man physically, is infuriating, and sickening! I've tried keeping busy, GALing, and distractions, but none seems to help for any length of time. I find especially when I go to bed, I am fixating on it.
My question is, has anybody else felt this way, and have you found any methods that seem to help? I keep thinking that it is just a matter of time, but it seems when the feeling comes it is just as intense as the day I found out (for sure, because, initially her denial of him was comforting in a way). I'm not a violent person, and I would never follow through on anything, but I seriously would like to do this guy serious harm at times. My friends suggestion was to find an OW of my own and that will cure it, but I know that I am not ready for that, and as we are still married at this point I feel like that would be counter productive. What do I do?

[Allen A]

No a female partner of your own wont cure it...

What your wife is doing is cruel and violating a great deal of deep emotions you shared with her.

I am assuming from your post that you do NOT want to reconcile and that you are BOTH committed to a divorce?

[Nvrgivup]

Quite the opposite Allen, I love my wife very much and would do anything to reconcile. Like many before finding this site, I did so many of the wrong things, like persuing etc. I am in the process of "letting go" (which is its own struggle) GALing etc. Obviously she feels differently, or at least thats what she says. She committed to file back in January, never did, and told me a month and a half ago (after telling me about OM) that she was filing that day and I could expect papers the following week, that was 5-6 weeks ago and still nothing. I'm trying not to fall into the trap of hope, (expl, I have taken any hesitation to divorce on her part as a sign that we still have a chance) and have tried to shield myself from again thinking that this is a sign.

[Allen A]

OK, so you want to end the divorce, she's seeing another man... THAT is a different issue than coping with Jealousy...

Who else knows that your wife is having an affair?

And until you two are divorced, while she's sneaking around in secret this IS an affair.

[Nvrgivup]

Well you are right Allen, two different issues. As far as ending the divorce I am trying to follow as much as the advice here as I can. As far as the affair, I agree that is what it is, but she of course does not. As far as she is concerned, we are separated so OP are fair game. From my "side" my family knows and a few freinds, our children know as she "announced" it 6 weeks ago or so. I assume all her friends and coworkers know, I believe he is a regular customer at the restaurant she works at. She doesn't have much contact with her own family, and they haven't spoken to me in a couple years now, so I have no idea what they may think. She has taken our youngest son out with him and to his house a few times, my older two don't seem to want anything to do with it??
The reason I posted in this fourm today was because of the jealousy I am feeling. I have had advice from puppy, I have read Gucci's "letting go" I have followed many of the posts in a few of the catagories here. I am really working hard to DB, though we have essentially no contact right now so hard to know if my efforts are having effect?? Like I said it is my "thoughts" of this guy and her being with him, that have me pretty down right now. When I first confronted her about it, she denied it, which in a wierd way comforted me, but since she admits it now, I find my feelings are a little darker. I was somewhat surprised by the difference in suspecting and knowing, and how it made me feel.

[g450]

Nvrgivup,

I am actually divorced from my XW. I did not find out about her online EA until two months after the divorce and although I suspected a possible PA at least once, I had no proof. So in a way, ignorance has been kind to me in that regard. I do know that she has at least tried to date one of her old High School boyfriends post-dirvorce by asking him to go to a HS renunion dance. That was painful to find out.

But my feeling is that if I did find out, I would write her off completely. As of yet I still hold that 5% chance that she may come back to me. But I honestly believe that will never happen. It's a fools hope and I know Im just keeping myself from completely dropping the rope.

I feel the same way as you regarding my jealousy and although I am not a violent person, I can see myself losing it if I ever find out about a PA with an OM. I even posted a thread similar to yours way back when and got a bit of advice there.

To my eyes I feel like finding out about a PA would be similar to going into combat. You will never know if you will be a coward, a hero or somewhere in-between until you are actually in the situation itself. And that is my fear. What will I do if I find out? What will I do and what will I feel if I see her with another man or find out from friends or family that she has a boy toy?

Honestly, Nobody really knows the answer too that unless it actually takes place. And sadly, I feel like many here that claim no PA took place, simply just did not find the evidence of it. In most cases there is almost always another person for obvious reasons.

I can also tell you that dating post divorce did nothing to change those feelings in me at all. The only good part that came of it is that I have sworn to myself that I will never feel jealous of another relationship no matter what. The downside is that this will probably keep my heart from being 100% in my next relationship and I have already decided that I will never remary because of my D.

I can only pray for you if you do find out. Try to put yourself in the mindset that it may have already happened (and it may very well have) and go from there. Prepare for it now. That's all I can tell you.

Anyway, sorry for the rant.

[Nvrgivup]

Thanks for the response 450, getting support from others who have been there really is great. And truth be told I feel bad for everyone here who has gone through this. I guess one thing I should say for the sake of clarity is, it is not a matter of IF I find out, she has flat out told me now that she is in a "relationship". It is to my mind an affair, not only because we are still married, but also in a way because she has talked about filing since January, had the papers drawn up and everything, she just hasn't filed them yet? She is in a PA now, and there has been at least 2 EA (PA?) that I know of.
The analogy of combat really hits home because I do feel like I'm at war. Though now its more with myself than her. I've learned that I can't win any battle with her, right and wrong mean nothing, truth, vows, etc. Like I said above, we are married, this R is an affair! But not to her, so I can't use that or fall back on whats "right" for me. the combat is now against myself, letting go, trying to be friends, GALing. Its hard, and knowing right now as I write this that she is with him, kills me. But I've got some great advice here that I'm trying to follow, I at the very least know what I need to do, even if its not easy most of the time. You mentioned 5% hope, I'm probably more like 20%, we are still "married". But thats down from 50 a few months ago, and 100 a few months before that. So I guess its progress? I'm trying to do the right things, but I admit the jealousy is the hardest part, I love my wife (and yes even though she's not really good for me now) I miss her, and my family. and it's hard not to see this guy as a huge threat to what I want, even knowing it isn't likely to happen regardless. Fog!! War, divorce, same fog me thinks?

[g450]

That's painful for me to hear.

I personally think my XW did have a PA either prior too or during the divorce as this would explain a lot about her emotional abuse towards me for years. And I know that she was at least looking to dance with Mr. High School friend from 36 years ago. I can guess why.

The problem I have is if I ever "see" physical evidence of a PA I will not know how I will react too it. I know this seems shallow but it's how Im wired and how I was raised.

If I ever see her with another man I have no clue what I will do. Apparently you are in the same boat with me. I hope we make the right choices if that happens.

I guess I used the "not knowing" as a guard of hope that it didn't happen. If I ever find out otherwise then my security blanket of ignorance will come down and I will have to deal with my darker side.

It is something I both dread and wish I could get over with at the same time. Like waiting in a dentists office for a root canal. If she did it then I wish she would just get it over with and tell me about it. Not happening though as she is now a compulsive liar about everything.

Sadly though, it's my own fault for not detaching 100%. We both have the power to let them go and let what they did go as well. I wont be in the forgiveness stage for quite a while (if ever). Im not even sure I have hit the anger stage yet (God help me). I think I am still grieving my marriage.

I will follow this thread as I have interest in how you handle this situation. Good luck.

[Nvrgivup]

Not fun at all 450, not at all, ironically as I just saw your response in my iphone while driving home from work, I drove by my old house (unfortunately it is on my route to work) his truck was in the driveway. It took a great deal of restraint not to stop and cause a scene, but I know better (I hope??) as it would solve nothing and in fact just make me look worse. But it does bring up all those gut wrenching feelings again...
I was pissed off when I got home, I took a quick look to make sure my kids were not around and told my brother what happened looking to vent a bit. I guess my kids had heard me come in and were hiding behind the couch to "scare" me lol, they like that game.. unfortunately they heard me tell my bro about the truck being in my driveway. (I try to make sure not to say anything in front of them) what really hurts right now is they immediately started telling me that last week the guy came over to watch a movie with her, and how they both went to their rooms (their choice) and how they felt they couldn't come out. Obvioulsly they are pretty hurt by her actions too. In fact my 14 yr old said that he was going out his window onto the roof to see if the truck was still there, becuase he was hungry and didn't want to come downstairs while the guy was there. it sucks that my kids don't feel free in their own home to get a snack etc. But as I've said she sees nothing wrong with any of her behaviors or what affect it has on anybody else (I get she could give a rats butt about me, but the kids?) I just don't know what to do anymore? other than be a good dad and give them a safe place to be? they have talked at times about staying with me more, and even have stayed an extra week here and there, but I'm starting to wonder if OM is making more of a presence now at the house if they may not decide at some point to just stay with me? Bitter sweet in a way, I would love to have them full time, but I don't want to be seen as punishing her, and even though I'd never ask them to or even encourage them to, if it happened I know I will get the blame for "taking away" her kids. No win

[g450]

Well you are a better man than I am. I could not have handled that. Thank God my Son is grown and she lives on the other side of town. I will admit that there was a time when I would drive by her (my Son's) house during the separation. Not healthy.
I think I am way past that now.

You did the right thing showing restraint. Just concentrate on your kids. They should be all you need to keep you grounded until your life stabalizes into something more normal and healthier.