WAW Wants to Separate - Not sure What to Do

[GH3421]

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years and have been married for the last 6, we have a 3 1/2 yr. old son. Not really sure where to begin so I'll try and lay out the last month and a half to illustrate how this sitch is evolving. My apologies for the long post.

We got to NY every summer to be visit with family and friends, we are originally from there and moved away after we got married. Three days before we left on our trip my W demanded that we attend marriage counseling. Although I initially balked, I spent the better part of that day reflecting on our relationship and realized how difficult I had made things with my behavior. My W is a very emotional and physical individual. For many years I pushed her away emotionally due to my own issues. Our SL was good in the beginning but decreased in frequency over the years and after the birth of our son was practically nonexistent and not very satisfying for either of us. I've made numerous caustic comments to her over the years that have hurt her deeply; her anger and resentment towards me was evident as our sitch evolved. So with that background, I came home, we talked about a lot of issues over the next several days—I was trying to own my own [censored]—and while I expected this to be a long hard road for both of us to get healthy together, she had already mentally checked out of our marriage. She told me she no longer loved me, isn't attracted to me anymore, and wasn't sure we had anything left to give me, etc. The other piece of the puzzle in all of this is that unbeknownst to me, she had already taken steps to have multiple PAs and EAs which I'll explain shortly.

While we were on vacation in NY wife had a PA with her old boss. After we got back, I confront her with the physical evidence of the PA and after 10 minutes of questioning she admits to the A. In the process she admits to trying to get involved with another guy where we live. Ironically he turned her down because she was married. She's also having an EA with ex-fiance through IM. Apparently, he's the love of her live. She claims that none of these affairs have any meaning. According to her, the PAs are casual sex which she needs, I am no longer an option since "there is too much emotion". This confrontation caused another round of discussions where I did all the classic things wrong according to the DR book-asking her to stay, appealing to her motherhood, I can change, etc. We agree to go to the MC session that we set up.

When we get to MC two weeks ago, she stated that she wanted to leave me and see other people (code for I want to get laid); however, she wants me to move out because it "will be easier". She feels the affairs are separate issues from all the hurt I've caused and feels no guilt or remorse over them. I refused since she's the one who wants to terminate the marriage and is acting as if it's over. To make it more complex, she's also been a stay at home mom the last four years and has none of her "own money". She continues to view our accounts as my money even though I've told her she's legally entitled to half of what's in there and that I will have to pay child support regardless. The therapist to his credit attempted to get her agree to stay for two weeks until our next session rather than have us walk out filing papers; she agreed but felt she was coerced into it.
Since our MC session I've spent a lot of time on DB and have read a ton of posts. Where we are now is that I've agreed to a separation, shared information on our expenses, and gave her the set them free speech last Wednesday which I unfortunately let turn into another dead end discussion of where we are in our M. She says she's still undecided whether to leave and I didn't press for a decision; however, I did make it clear that would be no more PAs.—I don't do open marriages.

Friday night my wife sits down and watches a movie with me, the first time since we've been back from NY. Yesterday we go out together as a family and have a decent day. She makes a comment that trying to tell our S about her leaving is going to be incredibly difficult and is giving her pause about the whole thing. I don't say a word but think to myself that it's the first rational thing she's said in a month. Last night after dinner she makes a comment that my being nice, open, and helpful might be working (this is my 180 behavior). All I say is this is how I plan to be from now on. I thought we were making progress except last night she posts on Craiglist on missing connections stating her availability to some guy at her our health club. I have a keyword search and RSS set up and was alerted to it this morning.

So there it is. This whole sitch is going to incredibly difficult for my S to handle but I can not continue to live like this. Personally I think I need to set a firm out date for her GAL for myself. We have an MC session this Friday. I'm looking for some words of wisdom from those that have been there.

[rb1967]

GH3421 I feel your pain except a little reversed. I am new here also so I am going to just give you some words of encouragement. It is definately hard and I know emotional in the last month I have been all over the place from crying to cursing. But you have got to get a hold of yourself. I have had to read the DR at least twice and several chapters more that that. I suggest you do the same. I also got a tablet where i write down my relationship thoughts and feelings so that I dont have to vomit them all over my H. I have started GAL. That is really hard but even if its just a hobby that keeps you home-its all about keeping your mind clear and in check. Once I got it in my mind that where I should focus, dealing with my husband has become easier. He is now talking about our future and speaking as if he is not leaving. Most of all he has told me he loves me which he hasnt said in years.
In essence, you are gonna make some mistakes, Lord knows I didnt every thing wrong even after I read DR. But just read it again, cruise these message boards for more strenght and focus and take each day as a new one regardless of what you may have flubbed up the day before.
I think the most important thing was when I began to give my husband space in our house. When we talk and its just chit chat I go with that. I just try not to crowd him. This believe it or not is working. I also feel better now that I am not quite as scared he is gonna bolt for the door. God Bless you . You will get thru this.