I have a question... My husband is financially separating from me. He has divided our assets and expenses and our net worth. He says that this can be undone at anytime, if we fall back inlove with each other (although I see no signs of even trying from him). I brought up the subject of his benefit package (it covers everything), and he said that only family members can be on it and if we divorce, I'm not family. I'm currently job hunting and most jobs I'm qualified for do not offer any benefits(or not a good package). While I'm still trying to DB should I bring up this subject (it does anger him, he thinks he's being fair), of whether I should apply to just any ole job, or only apply the few that may have a good package but that I'm less likely to get an offer from. I want to remain on his benefit plan (not sure if this is possible).
Should I ask this question and risk further alienation, or keep quiet for the time being.
H:50 W:49 Together since 1981 Married 10/13/1984 S: 20 S: 17 Bomb Drop: 20/11/09 Separated: 01/08/10
I have a question... My husband is financially separating from me. He has divided our assets and expenses and our net worth.
Why exactly is this up to him? Shouldn't a lawyer (or two) be involved? As good a guy as he might be, he is biased. Don't agree or sign anything until your lawyer has reviewed it!
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
Hi NFTP We haven't got lawyers involved yet and when we do he wants to go the mediation route (he feels lawyers would eat up all the money). I do feel very strongly about the benefits that I should have equal access to them (in one form or another)and when I do consult a lawyer if they say I have a right to them I will fight tooth and nail for them.
But my question right now is should I bring up this with my husband now, and further alienate him while trying to DB?? #1 son is coming home for a week and I have an opportunity to spend quality time with son and H. When sons are not around I have been detaching (thanks Sandi) to try and give him some space.
H:50 W:49 Together since 1981 Married 10/13/1984 S: 20 S: 17 Bomb Drop: 20/11/09 Separated: 01/08/10
LL- You can still go throughh mediation and engage your own attorney. In fact, ultimately you must in most legal territories in order to sign off.
Alternatively, insist on a mediator that IS a family lawyer. Ask one that you find for a referral to someone you can engage as your own. They will be familiar with each others' styles and help you get a feel for the mediator.
I did this and it's a wonderful thing. Total costs will be about 15% of the fully litigious court route. And even with a lawyer in court there is no guarantee the judge will rule in your favor.
Thanks CD Bear, I guess I haven't contacted a lawyer yet because I'm scared. Scared that it's the real beginning to the end and I don't want to start that. Kind of lame eh?
Also, my IC says that we should have family time with children separately. Currently, adult children come home (from school) we have family time together, is this that letting him have his cake and eat it too?? I just want to spend as much time with children as possible (and so does H).
H:50 W:49 Together since 1981 Married 10/13/1984 S: 20 S: 17 Bomb Drop: 20/11/09 Separated: 01/08/10
I believe your question provides the perfect opportunity for you to try some divorce busting skills. Hopefully you have read Divorce Busting and/or Divorce Remedy.
The central premise of many of these skills is that you can improve the quality of your relationship by pro-actively changing your own behavioral approaches with your partner. You learn to lead the dance steps to new and more successful outcomes.
There isn't necessarily any one strategy that is right for every situation, but there is a wrong strategy for every situation: doing the same thing that hasn't worked.
So here's a suggestion for your current situation. Approach your husband and say something to this effect: "H, I've noticed that when we discuss the _______ situation, it becomes difficult for both of us. To be honest, because I have my own anxiety about this situation, I don't think I've done a very good job of listening to you. If there's a time when you would feel comfortable sharing your point of view with me, I'd like to hear it. And if you are willing to do that, I promise that in this instance, I will do nothing other than listen to you until you feel like you have been really able to express what you think and feel".
If he wants to talk at that time, then dedicate yourself exclusively to listening and/or asking clarifying questions. Do not argue or interject any opinions of your own. This "conversation" is 100% for listening.
If he does not want to talk at that time, let it go without any further request for at least one week.
Again, at such time as you have this conversation, after he has expressed himself, let him know you appreciate him sharing his thoughts and feelings. Furthermore, make sure to let him know that you can understand/appreciate/see the validity of his thoughts or feelings (remember, this may or may or may not mean you actually agree with them, but agreement per se is not the point). Then allow the conversation to end without saying anything in response.
Then wait at least two days to see if he brings it up for any further discussion.
The worst case scenario here is that you will end up no worse than where you started. Hopefully, however, this approach will lead him to change his approach as well and introduce a new tone and openness to this conversation that is currently stuck.
Furthermore, you might find that it is something that you can apply in other conversations as well.
Before signing off could I just say one more thing. While it might sound silly or unimportant, I really think names and identities matter. While I understand you may feel lost and lonely at times, I hope you can think of yourself, and identify yourself as getting better all the time. Just a thought.
Hi OYS2 and TH, That's a great suggestion OYS2, I will try to approach him in this manner next time we're alone (son is coming home this weekend, and I think I've mentioned that we're not living together). I've been afraid to bring up the R or anything else that's sensitive, but that approach has not been working, so this is a great alternative.
For the most part "Lost&Lonely" is how I feel, sort of perpetual funk (so attractive, I know:). I've been doing my best to pull myself out my depression, but my husband was my best friend and I'm unemployed and we didn't socialize much when we were together so the friend pool is extremely limited. I've joined an exercise class, a photo club, start up an old hobby and am going to volunteer (not sure what else to do).
TH, my husband wants to draw up legal separation and then take it to lawyers for revisions, I'm sure either his or mine will state if it's to generous or stingy. In Canada there's a general rule that if your marriage adds up to 65 (time married and age, my number is over 75) that he's pretty much on the hook for lifetime support. Of course I'll consult a lawyer before betting on this.
H:50 W:49 Together since 1981 Married 10/13/1984 S: 20 S: 17 Bomb Drop: 20/11/09 Separated: 01/08/10
Hello again Lost@Lonely aka gettingbetterallthetime (and your last post shows how true this is)
Wow. I only wish you knew how impressive it is for you to undertake the new hobbies and interests you are now pursuing. This is all the more impressive because you are doing this at a time when it would be easy to cave in or withdraw. I really hope you keep it up and believe you will. You are finding your strength.
Sometimes people who feel depressed say they will undertake these changes when they feel better. The truth is, in my opinion, they won't start feeling better until they make the changes that begin to redefine how they live life. Then, gradually, mood and self-worth begin to improve. And - as an aside - an additional benefit is you just happen to look more attractive to others.
In situations like yours, it is easy to believe that certain legal milestones are the be all and end all of what will happen. Sometimes maybe they are, but sometimes they are not. If your response is to say it is the end, this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I encourage you to keep your head as level as possible and realize that your process is unfolding and your attitudes, beliefs and actions will continue to play a large role in the eventual outcome.
