WAH - Confused and Depressed

[Lost&Lonely]

Hello fellow DB’ers

I’ve read quite a few posts and most have a similar story with their own personal slant on things, here’s mine:

We met at university and fell in love, we moved to the city where his Co-op job was located and married. He’s been very successful at his career, and me, not so much. We both had jobs, and after six years we started our family. After our second son was born, we decided that I should be a stay at home mom. In hind sight that wasn’t a good choice for me. I love my boys but I was lonely and my husband was tired when he came home and we never went out socially.

I started a home daycare and looked after other people’s children as well as my own for 12 years. During this time, our major arguments were: 1. That he didn’t get the amount of intimacy that he desired and 2. That I didn’t get any help with domestic chores. This became a very cyclical argument that was never resolved. I was feeling neglected and lonely and so when shortly before our 10 year anniversary an old friend called me I was weak and we started a friendship that quickly developed into a long distance affair.

My husband knew everything that ever happened during the A, as I stupidly kept love letters in a form of a journal that he discovered and read. The affair ran its course as these things usually do, and my husband and I reconciled (our children were very young then and that was our main motivation), although looking back we didn’t have a clue on how to reconnect. We would argue about the affair and the lack of affection/help with housework issues and never resolve anything and then after a couple of years of arguing we agreed to disagree, but the resentment was still there. For the next 13 years things were “OK”: we raised our children (we couldn’t even agree on that, I wanted them to do more chores and he just spoiled them); we went on vacation; we were intimate, but it was never like it was before we had children.

Last November he dropped the bomb, ILYBNILWY. This was not an unexpected turn of events, as we (mostly me, had thrown the divorce word around before), but when he actually said it to me it was a light bulb turned on and the haze had lifted. I wanted our marriage to survive, I wanted “US”, and not the marriage we had, but the marriage we could have. I asked him to go to counseling and he said, “yes”. I went out and bought five self help books (one of which is Michelle’s DB) and I went into overdrive trying to win him back (if only I had had those books before our marriage or at least during the first 10 years). We had a horrible MC, one that played us like good cop/bad cop; I would come out of there every session feeling browbeaten. She either came down very hard on me or him, and several times she said that she was going to recommend that I file for divorce!

I became very affectionate, organized “dates”, planned a surprised birthday 50th party for him etc. He just felt guilty and sad and wanted to separate to have time to think. We told the boys and in August we starting living separately between our cottage and home (I’m unemployed (for over a year) so I stay at the cottage during the week and at then at the house on the weekends so he doesn’t have a 4 hour commute to/from work, if/when I get a job he’ll commute from the cottage).

So I’m backing off, giving him his time and space, he’s being polite but distant (sometimes cold). We discuss the children by e-mail but that’s it (and even that is at a minimum now that both boys are in university). I’m trying to keep myself busy: starting to run, joining a book club and trying to find a job, but I miss my husband and I’m very lonely (no real friends to speak of, my husband was my best friend).

He’s coming home this Monday afternoon to pick up extra clothes and I’ve invited him to stay for lunch (he accepted). (I have to stay in town as I have several appointments over the next few day) and I’d like some advice as to how to act: I’m planning on serving leftovers (it will be good), should I be available for conversation or should I keep my distance. I’m visiting my mother on Wednesday (6 hour trip)for a week or so (I really need to get away) so this may be the last chance I get to try to connect with him for a while.

[sandi2]

What do you think pushed your H toward D? Beside the EA, the lack of intimacy and not agreeing about some things, would you say that the M had been pretty good? What happened in Nov that made his mind up?

[Lost&Lonely]

Hi Sandi2
I can't say for sure what pushed H towards D. Since posting this we've talked and he said he's felt ambivalent aabout us for the past 5 years (since our 20th anniversary), he said it was kind of a test. He planned a weekend away for us and although it went quite well (we did enjoy ourselves) it was not what he was hoping for. I think the kids moving out of the house was a big trigger for him (he's a great father and loves his children more than anything). I don't think he wanted to leave the house as long as they were home.

We had another talk recently. I came home after a week away at my mother's, he was not expecting me home (I didn't tell I was coming as I knew he wouldn't be there if I did). I made him dinner, gave him a back massage (he has a chronic sore back, I offered, he didn't ask). We slept in separate bedrooms, in the morning he packed up most of his belongings. I brought up the relationship (knew I shouldn't but couldn't help myself). He said he felt at peace and is sleeping through the nights (he hasn't in years) but that he's not happy (not quite sure what that means).

I asked him to dinner tonight (he said, "yes"). He e-mailed me to ask I'd collected financial files (credit card statements, RSP, RESP etc; also some clothes and CDs). We enter finances into accounting software (he's always been very anal about this stuff (part of his job (Accountant)).

I feel so lost and lonely now: my kids are gone, my husband is gone and I'm unemployed. I have too much time to think, and that's not a good thing.

[Lost&Lonely]

Hi All,

Does anyone seem to sense a basic difference between WAH and WAW???

From my time spent surfing the forums, I see that most WAW are frustrated and are actually crying out for help and recognition for unseen service. WAH seem to be more reserved and by the time they get to walking out the door, it's a decision that's already been made (maybe years ago) and once a man's made a decision, come hell or high water, they're unlikely to reverse it. To me it seems to boil down to the basic difference betweem men and women. I can't speak for my H but I know in my case (my PA) was a cry for help (although I didn't recognize it at the time). Anyone care to comment??

[DumpedforMIL]

in general, i agree with that observation.
tulsatime was an exception to that rule though.

[Lost&Lonely]

What's tulsatime???

[DumpedforMIL]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...386#Post2033386

[Lost&Lonely]

Thanks DumpforMIL,

Can never be 100% sure, but in our case there is no OW, he just seems really sad and distant (and determined).

[Lost&Lonely]

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted (although I’ve been lurking around here a lot). I finally got to see my IC and she thinks I’m nuts. Our boys came home for Thanksgiving weekend from school and I made a roast beef dinner for 1st night at the request of our youngest. I invited my H to dinner and to stay over (in boy’s room). The older boy wouldn’t be home until 8:30 and H insisted that dinner wait for him. As a result I was cleaning up the kitchen without help at 10:00 (just fuming under the surface, but didn’t say anything for fear of ruining the weekend). I know I should have asked for help, sort of just assumed H would offer (stupid, I know). We all went to my sister’s for Thanksgiving dinner, H was hesitant about going (but he’s the one that wants to make things “normal” for our boys) my mother was there too. The evening went well and he even helped with their dishes (that kind of burned my butt, that he actually thought of helping them, but has NEVER helped me). One of our major issues was division of housework (my issue) his issue was lack of affection. We spent the rest of the weekend either at his place (as a family) or at mine. My C says that’s like ripping the bandage slowly off, reapplying and ripping it slowly off again. She says that separation is separation and marriage is marriage and that never the twain should mix. She says at Christmas we should decide when each of us has the boys (if they’re willing they are pretty much adults) and to not really see each other. The problem I see with that, is that neither of us has extended family to stay with when we’re not with the boys. So should we suck it up and be “as if” (more a problem for me, than H, since separation is NOT what I want) and spend all our time together as a family OR each of us have our own time with the boys. Both of us want to spend ALL of our time with the boys. So confused as to what is the right thing to do for me.

I just saw my H yesterday (so he could pick up his mail, and take our dog for the weekend). It was our anniversary just after Thanksgiving and I pretty much begged him to go out with me to dinner and a movie. He said he’d do it but I was not to buy a gift or card. At the last minute (day before) a friend said they could use my help, so I went to their place for a couple of day and let H off the hook for anniversary, but he said he’d take me out on Friday (yesterday) for dinner. It was pretty much a disaster. He wanted to show me how to pay the bills on-line and ended up showing me a division of assets. He previously wanted to show this to me, but I said I wasn’t ready. I thought our separation was to give us perspective and think about what we really wanted NOT to just plough ahead with dividing up assets and deciding on spousal support (he’s just so cold and distant, says he wants to be friends …. not really a compassionate bone in his body, who is this man????

My major problem right now is that I’m unemployed (almost 2 years now). I am looking (try to apply at least one job a day) but my area is in a 5 yr high for unemployment right now. I just have so much time to think and analyze everything.

[Lost&Lonely]

Yesterday, when discussing division of assets and expenses the topic of the boy’s tuition was brought up. It costs us $40K/yr in expenses for their schooling. I've always thought that they should contribute something towards that, but H was always adamant that we pay 100%. I don’t think I can afford $20K/yr. I was thinking that I pay a 1/3, H pay 1/3 and boys responsible for 1/3. Also, as an incentive for older boy, H said he could have a car if University grade was above certain average (I didn't agree with this, but he did it anyway). Older boy acheived the grade and now we're paying for lease on practically new vehicle (which I have to pay for now as part of shared expenses). I went along with these actions because I believed my H would make it work somehow (he's very good and creative with money) and I had the security and support of the marriage. How do I bring this up without making him angry? I still want to work on the marriage and I know bringing up this topic will not help. Advice please.