Since i last posted i have had probably more bad days than good but i can look back and say that I am feeling better. H agreed to go to lunch with me on Thursday and it went well. We talked and I didnt bring up anything about the OW or get emotional like our last lunch. Now my birthday is on Sunday and Thursday evening he asked me what wanted to do. I think I messed up here cause I invited him to an overnight hotel spa day. He waffeled on it taking 2 days cause he only wanted to take off his job for one day. Okay this is where I messed up cause even in a calm voice I went to the "are we working on our marriage thing, if so we should spend more time together then". Hopefully I caught myself before I got out of hand. Anyway I think there was also a timing issue cause he had already told me at lunch that he was going out for the evening. Okay now this morning he asked me about it again and I was a deer in the headlights and said that I thought the overnight stay was too much for him and I didn’t want to smother him. We had a lengthy conversation after that about our issues. I actually think it went well and I didn’t cry or get emotional. I was very calm and he was mostly. We however are still at an impasse however, I feel like it was good for me to listen to the things he said cause he said some things I didn’t know or we had never talked about. Anyway, we agreed to forgo the hotelspa thing an just go to a football game in 2 weeks. He also asked me when I was going to make an appointment with the marriage counselor.
Okay now question –I did make an appointment with a marriage counselor only for myself however and the 2 of us on Wednesday. I haven’t told him cause it is a different marriage counselor cause I think the last one didn’t help us. Not sure how he will handle this. How do I handle with him?
Second, question, -when my husband does come home he sleeps in the chair or on top of the covers. This is very distracting to me as I don’t sleep sound. So I spend the rest of the night not being able to sleep. Also, I think sometimes I have an attitude the next morning cause of the sleeping situation and now I know what time he gets home. I want to move to the spare bedroom 1-so I can sleep, act happy, and get some goals together 2)give him some space I p Please help, I am terrified I may send the wrong message or on that may sabotage my efforts.
M-42 H-40 DS-11 Discovery:8/17/10 ILBININWY:8/17/10 IC scheduled:9/13/10 MC scheduled:9/15/10
I dont know if he is still cheating on Tuesday he told me that just because he is not home doesnt meant he is with OW. So i just left that as that .
1-thanks 2-okay not sure about this one but not sure about anything so what the hell. I have prozac.
Okay, I am staying strong. Today I got back in my routine and exercised. I had been doing so well since June 2010. I lost about 35lbs. This is one of the things he had been unhappy with in the past. I actually started this change on my own I didnt even tell him about it before hand. Just got up and started one day!! Unknowingly, it may have been too late. But I got a goal weight and I am gonna focus on it and get to it the midst of all this.
Thanks everyone !!
M-42 H-40 DS-11 Discovery:8/17/10 ILBININWY:8/17/10 IC scheduled:9/13/10 MC scheduled:9/15/10
Thanks. We have a long way to go, but we're making slow progress.
The A has been busted for a while, and she's back in the bedroom. She is willing to ML occasionally (sometimes my idea, sometimes hers), but isn't willing to work on romance/intimacy yet. For now, she's fine with being roommates who have sex, but nothing more. Every now and again she tells me she's still mad at me for exposing the A and for cheating on her 17 years ago, before we were married (?!?), but she's still here.
Every day's an adventure...
Sorry for the hijack, RB. We're here to help if you need any more advice.
Unless he has given you transparency (letting you see his email/computer/cell phone) whenever you ask, and has sent her a "No Contact" letter that you sent together, chances are that he's still cheating.
He's just trying to work both sides as long as he can until he is forced to make a decision. If you remove yourself as a choice, you will probably see him slink back with his tail between his legs once he realizes how good he had it.
People want what they can't have, and it sounds like he can have you whenever he wants you. Being chased by you and the OW is stroking his ego big time.
Be less available to him, and stop asking him out.
About the bedroom, he left, so why should he be comfortable? It's your house. You stayed. Let him be uncomfortable for a while.
Next time he leaves, consider moving some of his things out of the bedroom to help him get the message. When he leaves, where does he stay, by the way?
I know this sounds harsh and unnatural, but he needs to see how bad things could really be in order to respect you and the marriage more than he does now.
Thanks again eeyore and Allen. When i was just lurking the boards before I saw where people said they made mistakes and now I know exactly what they are talking about. I also know myself-want things to be right so I think in that haste I get off kilter. I am definitely going to step back-I finally realized that today. That’s why I asked about the bedroom thing. Tomorrow I am going out with some girlfriends-which is something I havent done in years. Its my birthday.. I am never out of the house at night. I think my predictability may have made him think I didn’t have a life and I am boring. Probably right about the no life thing. I always made an effort to be home when he is home.
Eeeyore-to answer your question about where does he stay when he is not here. I dont know. He works until 11:00pm and then he comes home at 4:00am- then that started to turn into 5 or 6 am. That’s how the whole thing started and got the ball rolling. I went with the 4 for a while and tried to get him to reassess why he thought that that was acceptable. I didn’t want to accuse him of anything because of his past. Trying the benefit of the doubt. I KNOW he is sleeping somewhere cause before I said anything I monitored whether or not or how late he slept the next day. Since he told me he was clubbing. This is a large city so there are afterhours clubs. Again, couldn’t figure out how someone could stay awake until 4 or 6 in the morning then get up at 9:00 go to work until 11 at night and repeat. Guess I know now. (hahaha-had to laugh)
M-42 H-40 DS-11 Discovery:8/17/10 ILBININWY:8/17/10 IC scheduled:9/13/10 MC scheduled:9/15/10
sorry to break into this thread, but i noticed a certain similarity betw ur sitch and mine eeyore. how did u handle ur exposure? did W come clean? did u consider sep or was it W's idea? i have chosen spare BR and left her BR.
m not sure bout A and cannot monitor her secret phone or iphone although have aobo (like eblaster).
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_____________________________________________________________ M: 42 W: 40 T: 18y M: 15y S: 7y, 9y D: 4y, 13y, 15y OM1 - EA/PA 11/08 to 2/09 (old college love also lives in CT) exposed OM1 3/09, in hindsight did not come clean 100% stayed together w/ MC 5/09-9/09, no resolution DB'ing (probly not well enough) bc ILYBNILWY 3/10 (but stopped saying I love you 3/09) ML regularly though until 8/10 wants to party, "no connection" betw us W's FB is closed to me starting 3/10 OM2 - EA/PA 5/10-9/10 (lives in FL but working NY past 6 months just went back home 9/2/10), busted it 9/6/10 OMW2 - lives FL w/ 4 children and OM, estranged at times
