This is my first time posting..... I can't believe I had to search for a board like this.
I'll try to make this short.
My husband about 2 months ago did a 180 in his behavior and personality. Finally, he told me that he was unhappy and the main reason is because he says we are more friends than husband and wife. He said the issue is intimacy and sex. I was devestated, shocked, hurt, worried, scared. I said...ok we'll work on it but he seemed reluctant. Even saying he didn't know if we could work it out.
Then 2 days ago....he tells me the whole story. When he did the 180 in personality and behavior is when he started cheating on me. I haven't yet found out if it is more just for sex or if there is emotional connections going on too. I am glad that he admitted this to me but of course I am heartbroken. I want to work it out and I told him that right away. We have had a great marriage and relationship, I thought. He said it has all been building for years (I think he means about 3 years but not sure).
About 4 months ago he had to move to a different city for a job. Prior to getting this work out of town he was unemployed for 1 1/2 years. We only see eachother on weekends. I didn't want him to have to leave during the week but I trusted him and thought everything would be ok with us. I knew it would be an adjustment but had no idea it would lead to this.
He is embarresed, ashamed, uncomfortable........ He keeps saying he doesn't know how HE can get past what he has done to me. He says he still loves me, respects me, thinks I am one of the greatest people he has ever know, still finds me attractive but is hesitant to take steps to make it work.
His dad was a cheater----just some history. He made a comment that he was just like his dad
I have been angry, hurt and I know it is going to be very hard to get through this but I WANT to. I love my husband.
We also have a 3 year old daughter.
He did agree to see a counselor with me on Sat. while he is home for the weekend. I am so happy for that but I am so scared that he will continue with his self loathing thoughts. He says he is sooooo uncomfortable talking to me because of his feelings so he has been avoiding me through not taking my calls. What about my feelings and my needs, right now. I deserve some communication from him!
So.......what in the hell do I do? How do I convince him to make steps to help us? I already know I can't make him do anything but how do I deal with all the feelings I am having?
Help! -JMTP
jmtp
me= 33 years old husband= 35 years old Married 8 years - together for 12 years 1 child - 3 years old
Sorry you find yourself here but we are an awesome bunch to be with (lol).
First of all... tell him straight up there is no M for you guys if there is a 3rd person involved. That is a non-negotiable. If he won't relent, expose the affair (to everyone). Then watch the whole thing explode. Muahaha!
If he avoiding your calls, do a 180 yourself... stop calling him. Be cheerful and upbeat when you are around him yet clear on your boundaries.
Did you guys set up your MC session already? Do you know the MC you are going to?
His daddy cheating on his mom has nothing to do with your marriage, btw.
...He did agree to see a counselor with me on Sat. while he is home for the weekend....I am so happy for that ...He says he is sooooo uncomfortable talking to me because of his feelings so he has been avoiding me through not taking my calls....I deserve some communication from him!
So.......what in the hell do I do?-JMTP
Hi Sweetie,
Sorry to hear about your o so familiar situation..
I would like to strongly suggest that you go to the C and completely focus on Four things:
1) LISTENING (Do not talk much) 2) Agreeing (Do not argue with anything he says) "You are right, this marriage isn't working" 3) Validating (Let him know you hear him) "I can see why you would feel this way"
There are reasons to to this, but there is no way I can explain why right now.
Well, he came home yesterday and we talked last night and a little this morning. Needless to say.....I am just as confused and just as scared. He said that he really feels that he needs to work on himself before he can begin to work on us. I can understand and appreciate that but in the meantime we are going to get further apart. He won't touch me because he said he feels discusting about what he did. He is still going to this afternoon counseling session with me but he said he really doesn't want to, again because he thinks he needs to work on himself first. He basically said he thinks it might be necessary to seperate. How much more seperate can we get! He lives in a different city 5 days a week! He even, for the first time ever, slept on the couch last night because he couldn't bear to be in the same bed with me. He says because of how guilty and bad he feels. What about me!!!???? Does that sound childish? Is he right, does he have to work on himself first? If he does, I can't help but think he will continue to put up an even bigger wall between us. He said he feels like he has no emotions. I feel like it is just toward me though. Yet, I really don't know because he is gone during the week. I am so overwhelmed, scared, I feel alone, and I will be honest.....I desperatly what it to work. I just don't know what to do!
jmtp
me= 33 years old husband= 35 years old Married 8 years - together for 12 years 1 child - 3 years old
I am sure it is normal to feel like I do but I want to make sure and see what you all might have to say about making me feel better.
At times I literally ache - my whole body just hurts. I have no appetite and this is sooooooo not me. I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I get very mad...then desperately sad. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel confused. I think I have had a least one anxiety attack....I physically begin shaking and my mind races with every bad thought you could imagine. I can't focus on anything but my relationship. When husband is gone during the week I can't think about anything but what he is doing or who he is with. I am obsessed with my phone/email. In case he calls.
All this makes me seem pathetic and weak. Rarely, I will have the feeling of strength or calmness. Everybody that knows (which is only 3 people) keep telling me I am a very strong and wise person. But, I don't feel like it.
jmtp
me= 33 years old husband= 35 years old Married 8 years - together for 12 years 1 child - 3 years old
I am sure it is normal to feel like I do but I want to make sure and see what you all might have to say about making me feel better.
At times I literally ache - my whole body just hurts. I have no appetite and this is sooooooo not me. I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I get very mad...then desperately sad. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel confused. I think I have had a least one anxiety attack....I physically begin shaking and my mind races with every bad thought you could imagine. I can't focus on anything but my relationship. When husband is gone during the week I can't think about anything but what he is doing or who he is with. I am obsessed with my phone/email. In case he calls.
All this makes me seem pathetic and weak. Rarely, I will have the feeling of strength or calmness. Everybody that knows (which is only 3 people) keep telling me I am a very strong and wise person. But, I don't feel like it.
Hang in there!
This will pass.
TRY/WILL yourself to do something other than dwelling on it.
No one and no poster will be able to take away these feelings. YOU have to fight through it.
I found the more I'd write out my frustrations here helped though. If you don't want to write here then go buy a journal and run out of ink. It helped me a lot when I felt like you did.
We went to the counseling session. It was helful but still not good. We were able to very effectively express how we felt to eachother. Unltimately, this is what was decided. My husband said he can't work on us until he starts to heal himself. I had a hard time understanding this but the counselor helped me realize the importance of that. He is depressed....bottome line. Our relationship needs lots and lots of work but he has to figure out why he feels so emotionless too. After the session we were actually able to talk to eachother probably more than we have in months. Our focus is going to be working on ourselves right now. I have lots of things to deal with too. So, (as I mentioned earlier he works in different city) we are going to be seperated for a while. We agreed to text or email during the week to make sure eachother is ok but we will not be talking. He will call to say good night to our daughter every night and then on weekends we are going to meet so he can have her for the weekend. He also wants to have a chance to update me on his progress when I pick her up. We are going to have dinner together so he can do that. He wants to see an counselor individually to work on his depression and feelings. I have no idea what is going to happen but I do appreciate that he has been willing to be honest with me at this point. I only pray that by him helping himself, and me helping myself, we can ultimately have a new and better marriage in the future. I am still so scared, overwhelmed and lonely but I have to hope that we can get through this.
jmtp
me= 33 years old husband= 35 years old Married 8 years - together for 12 years 1 child - 3 years old
