You will find you have to dbust friends and family as much as your wayward spouse in some cases...
The process is the same.
You hear the same excuses 'he's in love" or "he said its over" and the unforgettable "he's not in love with you"
It's all lame excuses... don't accept them from infidelity supporters anymore than you do from your husband.. challenge it outright, with maturity.
You educate, challenge, and stand firm in your position... constantly throwing bricks under the wheels of the infidelity roller coaster... In many cases I have seen this derail it entirely... It takes time and a lot of perseverance...
H emailed me this morning and said "Rent for my house will be $xxx a month. Only a 6 month lease".
I don't really know what this means? What happens after 6 months?
Then he emailed and wanted to know all our financial info including how much I make so he can create a budget and wanted to know if he should open his own accounts. I don't know how to respond to that.
I have an appointment with L in the morning. I hope they can help me figure this crap out. I'm afraid that H will deplete all of our savings to pay for his rental. Although his friend told me that H doesn't plan to leave us (me and his kids) wanting for anything. What a hero.
Dont trust his friend or his claims that he will provide for you... Very often they make big promises but after they are out for a few months they suddenly have all these expenses and start short changing you.
When a spouse leaves they should put a separation agreement together... the L will explain this. It does not mean you are divorced, it just puts in legal how the finances and custody arranagements will happen... rather than you just being at the mercy of your husband's "generosity"
When a spouse leaves they should put a separation agreement together... the L will explain this. It does not mean you are divorced, it just puts in legal how the finances and custody arranagements will happen... rather than you just being at the mercy of your husband's "generosity"
This is the proper way to do things, having a proper separation agreement makes things simpler especially if children are involved.
And then step back.
Shut your mouth.
And leave things alone.
There is no need for everyone you know to know all of the details of your marriage and your problems.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
IF you don't want to save the marriage then by all means go and expose to your heart's content. Take out a full page ad in the local newspaper. Be as vindictive as possible.
BUT if the intent is to save the marriage, and to be able to forgive the affair and move forward, sometimes exposing isn't the right way.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
IF you don't want to save the marriage then by all means go and expose to your heart's content. Take out a full page ad in the local newspaper. Be as vindictive as possible.
BUT if the intent is to save the marriage, and to be able to forgive the affair and move forward, sometimes exposing isn't the right way.
Oh please. This is insulting. Exposure is a strategy that's well-researched, and -- done the right way -- IS done very clearly with the intent of trying to save the marriage!
Does it always work?
Nope.
Does it often cause more anger in the short run, and more wounds that will have to heal going forward, if you are to reconcile?
Yep.
But it's a perfectly acceptable technique, which has worked in tens of thousands of marriages.
How about we just say "Reasonable people disagree about this, and these are some of the pitfalls that I see, based on my experience", and leave it at that? To paint the broad brush that those of us who advocate this AREN'T trying to save the marriage, is insulting, BND.
Puppy I don't know about you but I am getting tired of people showing up here, NOT reading the history and us having to rehash the same arguments to people.
I am gonna put up a wiki and put an end to all this work we have to REDO every two months simply because people don't want to research the history of this forum..
Allen, I know it's frustrating, especially when you're often the only one taking the time to post on this forum.
But it's simply not realistic that we're all going to agree on something as difficult, and controversial, as exposure and intel, just to name two. Hell, even the "unanimous" topics of "Don't move out of your own marital home!" only get maybe 90% unanimity, and things like exposure, "snooping" and transparency plans are more like 50/50.
The key -- for ALL of us -- is to stay civil, read the person's backthread carefully before offering advice, and to state things like "in my opinion" when what we're offering is just that -- OPINION -- and to offer backup when what we're advocating is well-researched.
"If all of us agreed, Some of us wouldn't need to be here."
