New Here Same Old Story

[rb1967]

I am new here and need some direction. I have been married for 13 years, I am 42, H is 40. We have one son- 11yo. On August 17, 10, I looked at my H cell phone and saw text messages from what I am sure now is the OW. I had a hunch about this and have questioned him several times about if he is cheating and if there is anything we need to talk about but whenever I asked him about it he would say he was not cheating on me. About 2 months ago, he took my son and a playmate swimming. My son told me that the OW met them at the swimming pool. When my son mentioned woman's name I kinda started puttin 2 and 2 together. He said it was his Dad’s friend but didn’t speak about any funny behavior. I am pretty sure my son would have told me if they had kissed or something. I have not discussed this incident with my husband as I don’t know what effect doing so will have on my son. Anyway on 8/17 after seeing the text messsages, I confronted my husband about he messages only by pouring a bottle of water on his head while he was sleeping- wasn’t the whole bottle just enough to make him jump up. We have been back and forth about this issue since them. My husband says they have been sleeping together off and on for the past 2 years. He says it is just sex. And this is because I don’t initate sex with him. For the record this has been a constant battle in our marriage –the initating sex thing. I can bring myself to do it and other times I just cant. I do not however, turn down sex when he initiates. He says because I don’t intiate it he has built up the feeling that I don’t love him or care for him thus the OW. He is also saying he is very nervous and apprehensive about being in the room with me beacuse of the water incident. He says that if I would do that there is no telling what other acts of violence I may do to him. Especialy since he was sleeping.

About 5 years ago, we went to marriage counseling because he was having an A. Again, he said it was due to the same issue. He said after counseling I did a better job but I slacked off, way off. And here we are today. Currently, he is saying that he doesn’t want to end the marriage at all and he knows it can be repaired. I have made a commitment to him to iniate sex more often even narrowing down to x time per week. However he sites on of 2 things when we discuss my commitment or willingness to change my behavior 1-he is not sure I will continue as I say I will, because I have made this promise in the past and dropped the ball 2-if he gives up the OW and things don’t work out between us then he will have lost a friend. Even though he is adimate that he can not build a life with this person as this would be going backwards financially, she doesn’t know how to take care of his personal affairs, cant cook, etc. He says even though she told him she would be waiting for him if we divorced, he doesn’t plan on being with her if this happened. Again, it is just sex. He stated if she stopped having sex with him he would leave her to.

My husband hasn’t moved out and says he has no where to go. He does however stay out until around 4:00am everyday except Tuesday& Wednesday which his off days. However since the discovery he is even staying out on his off day until this time. He says he is not always with her – he does have guy friends. I have read Divorce Remedy however I had an eotional break down this week and now I am all over the place- mad, said , crying etc
I don’t know what to do now. Oh, my husband said he would go to counseling -1-for our marriage 2-and because he is traumitzed by the water incident. However, he doesn’t understand why I want to do it so quickly and why am I in such a rush -since he has made it clear he doesnt want to end the marrage. Could this be posible cake-eating. HELP HELP

[pinhead]

RB,

You need to set some boundaries for what you'll accept in your marriage. For example, a good one is:

"I will not live in an open marriage"

Enforce this with totally open transparency; email accounts, facebook accounts, access to his cell call history, everything. He also needs to send an No Contact letter/email to the OW.

You need to protect yourself and your son from this affair ASAP. Also, the "traumatizes" by water stuff is just a load of hooey. It's not like you went all Lorena Bobbitt on him.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy? Grab a copy when you can from a bookstore or library. It'll help you get through the coming fun times.

Also, take care of yourself as best you can; eat healthy, exercise to relieve stress and become healthier, and grab as much sleep as you can.

Oh, and yeah, why would he want to end the marriage? He's been able to have consecutive affairs with no real consequences other than a shower in bed.

[luvless]

uh wait a minute here...he has been sleeping with other women while married to you and you're the bad one because you poured water on his head?

he's lucky it wasn't gasoline - ugh the nerve of these cheating people (insert mad face right here)

Luv

[john28]

RB,

You are dealing with a serial adulterer. He has a serious character flaw. Nothing you do, including initiating sex X number of times a week will fix that. You could initiate sex 7 times a week with him for the rest of your life and that won't solve this problem.

Look, we get it. You love him. You think this can be fixed. Truth be told, it can. But not by you. You can only control what you do.

He has a serious character flaw. It's an addiction. You must treat it like that. Your H needs some serious IC help, and quickly if you want to save this M.

Like Pinhead said, you need to set boundaries. Since your H doesn't want to end the M, I would highly encourage you to set those boundaries that Pinhead put out IMMIDIATELY. If he crosses them, you need to kick his a$$ out. Seriously.

I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of an expert on this. My wife has had, hmm, up to this point that I know of, about 6 EAs within 4.5 years of marriage. I wish I would have kicked her out after discovering the second one.

Please, take our advice. I know it is tough, but it is what you have to do if you want a H that is dedicated to you, and you only.

[Lotus]

Since he says that he is willing to do marital counseling, I suggest that you go to a Retrouvaille weekend first. You can find dates and locations on their website at www.helpourmarriage.org. They have an excellent way of making both spouses understand how their actions affect the other. And they will teach you a communication method that will help you. You can always follow the weekend up with MC, or you may find that the Retrouvaille program is all you need (there is more to it than just the weekend, but you do the weekend to start.)

[NotFromThesePart]

I'm new and not expert. But I call BS on the "I'm scared to be in the room with you thing". My wife has thrown water on me, kick end scratched etc. He shouldn't put up with it. But he is not afraid.

He knows he can manipulatue you and that is what he is doing. It is the same thing with the OW. He is blaming you. You need to tell him that you are not OK with the OW. Now. Not in a week. Now. He MUST call it off. Hell if you are strong enough and he isn't you could offer to call her. My guess is any attraction she has for him will turn off the instant you tell her "Hi, um I'm ____'s wife. Yes, well ____ is sitting here and too scared to call you, so I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know ____ can't screw you any more. He is grounded."

Just a though.


Good luck!

[rb1967]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I pretty much thought this. But for some reason I feel so much weaker now than I ever have.
It has really been hard to grasp the trauma thing I was caught between am I supposed to be understanding on this or is thisn"fear" like a smoke screen or something. Yesterday, I tried like a cold shoulder, in the time we had before he went to work. I tried to act like I pretty much didnt care - that prompted a phone call on his drive to work and questions about why am I pushing him away and he is trying. Do I need some IC also, or do yall' think the boundry setting will be enough. Do we both need go to counseling seperately or together?

[sandi2]

I don't know if you believe in God or the scriptures, but I believe God made the male to be the initiator and the female the responder. If you'll notice, the animal kingdom is that way, too.

I think the H gets a thrill when the W initiates but in your case, something doesn't seem right. Does he want to be the "responder" that much?

Him using this as his excuse for an A is crazy! You said you never turned him down, but he's saying that isn't good enough for him...so he'll have an A!

Well, you can find a lot of good people here on the board to help you. Just stick with us and come back every day to talk to us, okay?

[Dagny-2]

Hi rb, so sorry you are here, but here is a place where you can keep your sanity and get through this roller coaster ride.

I think IC would be a great idea for you. H is throwing a lot of stuff at you, and even when your intellect is saying not to believe it, there always seems to be that tiny bit of self doubt that can eat you alive.

And here is a wonderful place to post the snarky responses that you want to say to H, but just know are not the right thing to do if you want to save your M. Seriously--throwing water on him is cause for trauma? Advice I got was think about if this was happening to your best friend, what would you advise?

Stay strong.

Dagny

[rb1967]

Okay, I am rereading the Divorce Remedy and trying to get a game plan together on setting the boundries and my demands so that when I do this "confrontation" with him I wont get knocked off my game.
He is really playing the traumatize to the hilt. Sleeping on the couch. When he is in our bedroom he sleeps in the chair. He is talking as if we are cool however he is maintaining that he cant sleep.
Yesterday, morning I asked him about the couch sleeping and in his drama he said that he **it himself during the water incident and may need professional help to shake this feeling. He is still maintaining that he may become a victim of domestic violence.(eyes rolling). This man is ex-military for 17 years and currently works for Depart of Homeland. I dont get it. I mean he is an ameature bodybuilder for crying out loud.

I also have contacted a counselor for myself and am waiting for an appointment call back. Thanks again to everyone.

Thanks everyone. You guys seem so strong and are really helping me. Just reading everyones pssts all over this forum is giving me a more postive outlook whatever the outcome.