MLC 5 years on

[kissak]

Thanks for starting this thread...it seemed as if everyone was reading my mind and saying whats been going on with me for almost 4 years now.

H has been back and forth so many times. Now after his longest time back, 8 months, its like all his old patterns are coming back. He has made me so miserable the last 6 weeks that I want to leave!

I feel like i made a mistake in letting him come home again. I feel stuck in my thinking. I feel like I have DB for so long, IM stuck there and with someone who will never care for me the way he should.

My H has turned into the immature child. I feel the only thing he does for me and our children is support us financally. Im ready for him to go. I have the feeling that he is trying to make things miserable for me so I will tell him to leave. That way he can lay the blame on me.

Im so tired.

[His Wife]

Hello Kissak

as you can see, same story with me. I too feel like I made a mistake in letting him come home. If I could turn the clock back I would make very different decisions.

My H also seems to be trying to push me, with his lack of any effort whatsoever for our marriage, into making this decision so he does not have to.

I feel "stuck" as well.

This isnt good for us. I just dont know how to change it.

Sorry you feel the way you do. The depression and tired feeling is overwhelming isnt it?

[kissak]

Yes, it is very overwhelming. Its all i have thought about for the last few weeks. But something in the back of my mind keeps saying "wait". I dont know if its because I have held onto HOpe for so long or what. But I do know I dont want to continue with him if this is how he is going to be. He has changed, he is right about that! But we all change and should be able to live with changes...but I think he is just using that as an excuse to escape. He is scared and doesnt have the answers either. But Im tired of doing this.

I know I will be ok if he is gone. Ive done it before. Just this time around things will be different for me. I know I will have done everything I could.

[His Wife]

Same feelings with me. A little voice in my head telling me to "wait just a little longer". Is this good intuition or just simply not being able to let go of a mindset that I have held onto for so long that I am afraid to see what is real and let it go?

[kissak]

Is this good intuition or just simply not being able to let go of a mindset that I have held onto for so long that I am afraid to see what is real and let it go?

My question exactly!

[beatrice]

Hi Kissak and His Wife, the more I see of MLC and other behaviours the less I understand, in some ways.

Yes, all weak people will try and 'make' the other person take the decision. It is, I think, passive aggressive behaviour. It is another ploy for not facing themselves.

The underlying question, for me, in whether or not it is really MLC is whether they changed from one state to another fairly rapidly. My husband was a lovely man at the end of June 2005 and by mid October he had become a monster. But I have one of the very mean ones. He doesn't do 'nice' very often and when he does I have come to suspect it.

There may be other reasons why someone changes from a kind and loving husband and father into a vengeful, cold, cruel and spendthrift person, but given his script and behaviour, I am not really in doubt. What I do doubt in my case, is whether he will ever come out of the tunnel. I am not holding by breath.

As for doing something different - it makes no difference that I can see whether I am tough or kind, sympathetic and listening, or cut him off. The one thing I am NOT doing any more is taking him back again on the strength of words and the promise of reform. There would have to be a lot of action to convince me that this was not another touch and go.

You ladies clearly have spouses who cannot let go, and maybe they have to and you have to let them. I do wish someone with a bit more wisdom and experience of others would come in here. All I really know is my h, what I have read [and there aren't many quite as extreme as mine]. I have had very very little contact with my h, and probably two or three 'real' conversations with him in the past 5 years, all of them in the last few months.

Perhaps what you are doubting is not the fact that it is MLC, but whether your spouses are so stuck that they aren't moving on in resolving whatever is the matter with them - mainly a failure to grow up in a rather important way, to put it simply.

Like AA it is one day at a time.

[kissak]

I wonder why my H changed so quickly just 6 or 7 weeks ago. I thought things were going good. Then they went to ok to worse. He has become so angry towards me the last 2 weeks. He just isnt himself. I feel like I am waiting for a blow up from him. I have been nice and quiet. I have even agreed to him going out on Friday nights to have some "him" time. To give him his space. I dont complain about it at all. Even when he comes in at odd hours and after drinking.

I just feel like when it gets to the point we are at now, there is no turning it back around without some sort of break between us. It's like he doesnt easily get past anything. We dont fight and make up, we fight and it gets worse.

I feel like If I break it off with him or he with me...time will go by, he will miss me, he will wonder if what he did was the right thing. He will feel guilt and regret. He will get mad if I see or talk to any other man. He will want to come back again.

I cant do that anymore.

He is stuck. Even with therapy he is stuck. He does not tell his therapist everything. This I know because he told me that. Im sure he splits hairs with her too! SO how on earth can she help him???

[His Wife]

My H had 3 affairs. I did not find out about any of them until the last one when he admitted all 3. The last one was a relationship. He pushed and pushed at me with emotional abuse until I finally kicked him out and he went and lived with her for a year. When he asked to come home he admitted to all three. The first had been several years prior and with a woman who at the time was my best friend. It is hard to recall what exactly we were going thru at the time that would cause he to reach out to her so long after the fact but my guess would be a combination of his childhood, work enviorment and the stressors of raising a family. The second was a work OW as was the third. By then he was dealing with our sons no longer needing him.....he had no one looking to him for guidence. He only left for the third but he claims he didnt leave I kicked him out. All three were the damsal in distress types. So....this is why I am concerned. We had a good first 12-15 years. He was kind and loving but always had to be doing something....During #1 and #2 I swear I never noticed a change in anything, possibly an increase in affection...

I know he is out of the tunnel so to speak and sees the damage affairs can cause and will not go down that road again but I just am no longer sure if he was/has been trying to get away since the beginning or if this is all his own garbage? Does anyone understand any of this. I am sorry I am not being so clear. Currently he is kind, helpful and everything he does is for "us". when I tell him I am unhappy and just waiting for the other shoe to drop, he says not to worry he isnt going anywhere ever again. I am so heartbroken if this is all there will ever be I feel like I have wasted over 35 years of my life which doenst leave much left that was real

[kissak]

Sorry His Wife that you are having to go through this. Maybe you are like me and you never fully gave your H that Trust back. I felt like I was always waiting for my H to break my heart again, so I never took my walls down. I dont think he did either.

[Sanderika]

Hello To All.....

I last posted on this thread on 9/7. I want to thank you all for sharing your situations and thoughts...This thread has caused me to be pro-active more than any other I think.....

I spent the past 10 days thinking and acting.....

My H left me over 5 years ago for OW, the same one he is with today. Sure it's been rocky and on and off pretty steady, the fact still remains....he is still entertaining her!!!

We have traveled a good road from 5 years ago. We went from being at opposite ends of the spectrum with each other, very distant (no intimacy) and numb towards each other (he actually hated me) (I actually was in a "just existing" state)to a place today where we are friends and friendly. I never set boundaries in our separation (in regards to sex as well) and I have no regrets. I DB'd my butt off to recreate our friendship and reach a place where we actually like, enjoy and yes, love each other, all the while in hopes we would reconcile. We are friends, reconciling isn't possible.

However, the facts are undeniable. My H entered into a MLC approx. 6 years ago with an accident he had involving a propane explosion and the death of his mother 2 weeks later to cancer. During Sept. and Oct. of '04 my H faced mortality first hand. He went full blown into a MLC. He finally left me in Aug. '05 within 9 days of meeting the OW. It was then that I began to face "our" issues and stand for our marriage. I believed we were inseparable and that we had hit a bump but would overcome it.

My H wanted an immediate divorce. He then without explanation, in Jan. '06, began to question his choice. It was then that we began to see each other again and I was happy to have hope that we would be ok. He became a classic cake-eater. I became a classic enabler. Over the next 5 years we stayed in contact. The most out of touch time would only last an average of 13 days and then we would be back working on reconciling and those times would last an average of 2 1/2 months. This was a steady pattern for 5 years.

During this the OW was always lurking. OW was always fighting for our demise and pushed for the divorce. While I tried to find hope, the story is actually very ugly. I have myself to blame for putting myself in this path of pain and destruction. I have endured countless attacks and abusive treatment. My story had been told on my threads during the past 2 years. The common
link to us all is that the basic story is the same, we are just different people playing the same game.


My H filed for a divorce in Oct. '08 and immediately wanted out of that. We postponed steady for over a year. We dismissed the case in Feb. '10. This should have never happened. I should have insisted that we follow through with it.

My H had me served 2 weeks ago....He has never filed the documents with our county. I had not heard from him between 9/2 and this past thursday 9/16. He (and this is typical) called to say hello and see how I am....The call lasted 8 minutes of which the topic was about him......I ended the call.

Coincidentally....I had a lawyer appt. 2 hours later, I filed for a divorce. The money has been paid and the papers have been filed. H will be notified by the county by next tuesday.

Like you all, I am tired of the bs. I am tired of being abused.
I think for me this will never be done in the way that I too have that "wait" thought constantly nagging on me. I am a stander.

Lance says "stir the pot". I'm stirring! I am not turning back.
My H is very sure of himself, he was betting that he could keep me dangling. A common thread for us all.....Our H's don't want to be with us, they also don't want to be without us!!!! I never thought I would file! We all have a breaking point. I have reached mine. I am not playing games anymore. Divorce is on and H would have to have a divine intervention to change enough to get me back now.....He pushed me to it, he's going through with it. Whether he filed with the county or not, I was served papers. That will be the last cruel joke he gets to play on me.

Another thought I have always had....H didn't really want the marriage back. He doesn't want me...He wants his wealth in tact, I have come closer to the belief that it's all about the money and always was.....

I am sad, I worked so hard to restore our relationship. It isn't meant to be. One day at a time, I will survive this ordeal. I wish him all the best, I hope he will find happiness in his choices.

Sorry for the rambling....My thoughts are with you all....

((((Hugs))))

Sanderika