I need advice from the board. TIA

[Troy999]

Married 19 years
Me=43 year old husband
She=40 year old Wife
Two kids 13 yo daughter 10 yo old son.

7/25/10 she dropped the bomb. Said she had given up on our marriage 2 years ago when she asked me to get help for what she thought was depression and I blew her off. Our first 14 years were great. Then 5 years ago I started my own company (left a good stable job). Suddenly I went from employee to employer and the walls started closing in. The first year of my new business was pretty good but she did finally get a part time job to help with the finances and that is when things started to change. She resented me for not making enough money so she could stay home. We both are guilty of throwing all of our energy into our kids and not taking time for ourselves. So the past 5 years were rocky-not all bad but not the same as the first 14 years when we shared a lot more. My company has been a constant struggle and I internalized all my struggles and shut her out. She said when she dropped the bomb that she hated having to find out about my business successes and failures from my friends. I always told her it was a struggle and I was working to try and make it successful. I did share the successes with her-they were just few and far between. Fast forward to this May and I started having some serious financial difficulties. Missed a month of paying the mortgage and american express cut me off until I paid them off. She had an amex card too that I always paid each month without question to what she spent and they cut that one off as well. I went further in the shell and she went from being indifferent to me to being very very cold. I knew that it was bad but I always thought she would give me one last chance to make it right. After she dropped the bomb I did all the wrong things. I stayed up for two days straight and wrote her long letters about how our lives had changed and how I wanted to make changes to keep our marriage. I took all the blame and I do think I was to blame for getting into this position. There are no affairs. She just does not want to be married to my any longer. We cannot afford for either one of us to move out. I would not move out even if I could but I think she would if she had any money. I have read Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue and Gary Smalley Winning your Wife Back. Both are pretty consistent in their approach and I have made big changes in the past 5 weeks. I started talking the kids to church by myself-she has turned her back on church. I have never been a spiritual person but I have found God to be a great source of hope for me in trying to save this marriage. Just when I think I am making small steps in trying to reconnect with her she flies off the handle and give me the "Its too late-you blew it speech" in a very angry tone. She wants me to leave her alone and we do not communicate much at all. I send her texts and write her little notes and they do seem to soften her stance for a day or two and then its back to the I want out of this marriage speech. We both work full time now and have kids activities every weeknight. I usually get home around 8 and she talks to my son and me for a few minutes and then goes and takes a shower and goes to bed. In the mornings we say good morning and goodbye before we are out the door to take the kids to school. No real chance to communicate there. I have good days and bad days trying to save this marriage. I waiver back and forth with how much of this is my fault vs how much is this her having a mlc? She has always had self esteem issues and is a very moody person. I am pretty laid back and try to make the best of bad situations. I finally have let her know that I cannot do that any longer. I have to own the bad situations and change them or get out of them and I think that statement did help. It has been 5 weeks and I have gone from doing no household chores to doing all the household chores, cooking dinner 3 or 4 times a week, picking up kids from school and church and sports. I have done all those projects around the house that did not get done when I was in my fog. I have let her know that I am fighting for this marriage and I will not give in. She take offense at that statement saying that I am not being respectful of her feelings. What else can I do? Nothing seems to have worked to this point although it has not gotten worse. She has not talked to an attorney and I have not either.We have not told the kids either and we still share a bed. Her parents have both told her she is making a huge mistake and she thinks they are ganging up on her and taking my side. Thanks. I can give more details but this is long enough for now. I just want some feedback. The kicked in the stomach feeling is getting very old.

[NotCrackingUp]

Hello Troy999

You seem to be trying so hard to prove to her that you've seen where it's gone wrong and want to change. My husband has recently left (after an affair, trying to work it out, then deciding he didn't love me anymore, didn't desire me anymore). Too much work, meeting each other like ships in the night and too much concentration on house, finances and children also laid the trap into which we fell as a couple. He turned away too much towards work and new friends through work, so available for affair. And I was so busy I never saw what was wrong. He could have talked, but he didn't, just kept on trucking until it all got too much and he decided unilaterally on a split. I don't know how to hope, but I try. Th OW is still in the picture, I think.

What's good in your case is that there's no other man. It's just maybe a case of stress and built-up resentment taking their toll. There's nothing worse than financial worries to put a strain on a relationship. I know that my H partly "blames" me for rocky finances during the 2 years I spent working part-time and studying. He'd agreed at the outset, but the reality upset him. He saw others at ease while we were not. now the studies have paid off, there's a better pay for me, but he's not around to share it and he's even angrier. It's irrational. People get irrational and inconsistent under stress, and your W's been under stress. So've you, but she can't see that.

I think you're lucky to still share her bed and house, but don't understand why you're doing so much of the housework.Are you being too nice? I know I was far too ready to please my husband, when we were together, and now realise it drove him bananas. He'd have preferred me to look after my own needs and be less available.

Is there any way you could break the cycle of running around after the kids, for a week or two, and just either take time together or take turns to relax separately. Maybe you just need a break from the treadmill. I don't mean spending money on hols, just going for a walk or a cycle, to the swimming pool, spending an evening reading the newspaper... The soccer matches and other kids' activities won't mean much if you split up.
You've to respect what she says, but she's got to hear you out too.


Maybe her parents could help if they left the pressure off. My husband partly turned away from me and home because he couldn't face his family's disapproval of what he was contemplating.I liked his mother's support, but now I realise her berating him only made him burn his boats and resent me all the more for it.

You'll have to stop asking her, arguing with her, pleading. I realise that if I'd reacted coolly and angrily to the affair (instead of gushing with loving forgiveness), then coolly to his decision to withdraw to the spare room (instead of pleading and bending over backwards to please), he might well be still at home at the minute. I begged, pleaded, argued, tried to convince, openly wept. And he got angrier and angrier, more and more resentful. Not fair, but that's it.I made some big mistakes, now I'm trying a u-turn.

It's great to do things you'd planned around the house. Actions speak louder than words. I'm trying the same. When you speak about a "fog" and depression, maybe you could seek medical advice to show you're tackling it.

So much for my thoughts. I'm new to this, and he's gone, but I won't give up hope. Good luck and keep trying.
NotCrackingUp

[john28]

Troy,

Sorry you're here - believe me I wish you weren't. But, since you are, you're going to be in good hands.

I won't elaborate on my situation, and you're welcome to read up on it. But I will tell you what will not work because I've done it.

First, you have to detach. You have to let her go mentally. You have to let her have her own thoughts and stop trying to control them. When you do that, she is free to come back to the M. Anything other than that, she is held hostage by you and the M. Do not fight her on anything else, ever. Validate everything she says. Do not initiate R talks.

Second, you're doing all these changes for the wrong reasons. Trust me, I know. You're making all these changes for her, not you. Sure, you think that you'll be a better person for it, but your real motivation in doing these things is to win her back. She's your W. She knows everything about you. She sees right through that in a split second.

Until you start changing for yourself, you're going to fail. Miserably.

Until you detach, you're going to have minor successes, but no real movement of the needle. Once you detach, the game changes.

We call that around here "dropping the rope". Imagine your W with a rope tied around her waist, and the other end of the rope you're holding. She's running away from you as fast as she can, but you still keep holding onto the rope. If you were to drop it, she's going to fall down on face. Then she'll get up, see that no one is pulling on her anymore and say, "Oh man. What do I do now?"

Best of luck my friend. This isn't an easy road to navigate.

[john28]

Troy - you also need to IMMIDIATELY STOP telling her you are "fighting for this marriage".

She knows by now. She's know since bomb day. She knows you love her. In fact, everytime you tell her that it pushes her further away.

You've been doing the same thing for over a month now. How has that turned out for you? What real progress have you made? I'm not talking about "she told me she loved me one day, or smiled one morning at me". I'm talking about REAL progress. So, how much?

It's time to do something different. Stop saying ILY. Stop sending texts. STOP doing all pursuing stuff. Seriously, you're the one killing your M now, not her.

[Troy999]

Thanks. I needed concrete advise. As I said in my initial post we are not in a financial position for her to move out. Should I just become a stranger in the same house? Become disinterested in her? I am ready to do it. I feel alive for the first time in 5 weeks.

[pookie69]

Move into another bedroom. You should not sleep in a same bed with the woman who does not want to be with you right now.

She resented me for not making enough money so she could stay home.

Tell her that you are doing everything you can to feed the family and take care of the household. If she wants more she can go ahead and find a job.

She wants me to leave her alone and we do not communicate much at all.

Do it.

I have let her know that I am fighting for this marriage and I will not give in. She take offense at that statement saying that I am not being respectful of her feelings.

Stop that immediately. You are not respectful of her feelings.

Read this.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2030222#Post2030222

[Troy999]

notcrackingup:
Thanks for the kind words. I hate that we share this in common. It is nice to have your support.

[Troy999]

Thanks again guys, heading home to start the new approach I will keep you in the loop.

[john28]

Troy - that is solid advice on YOU moving into another bedroom right now. Usually we don't advise that you move out of your bedroom, and stake your claim to your own bedroom, but in this case where you can't tell her to GTFO of your house, you'll have to make the first move. You don't really have to say anything. Just go to bed in the other room by yourself. You'll then have the power to move back into your bedroom anytime you want.

If you make the moves first you take the power away from her to control you. You then can control yourself. Also, it will give you some sense of control in this situation where you feel absolutely powerless. Take control of your emotions now

[Coach]

No don't move out of your bedroom. WTF you guys talking about?

if she's uncomfortable tell her you understand and if she chooses she is more than welcome to sleep somewhere else. that's her problem no yours. you have other problems. you don't reward bad bad behavior, she won't respect you if you do.