Today marks the 4th week of going dark. Has had its moments of difficulty, but I have hung in there. Worked on a few mini projects to keep my mind focused, and utlized some meditation techniques to keep me calm (the breathing works great).
When she chose to be the WAW, it happened very fast. We made some verbal agreements on how we wanted things to be. At that time, I was obviously had a feeling of shock (in retrospect..maybe I shouldn't have) and the things I agreed to with her about finances and child custody..were decisions I had made quickly. I just wanted her and our kids to be OK, I was feeling guilt and I didn't want to make things worse - cripes...she was walking out of my life.
It is going on 9 months now - the smoke has settled a bit and things have changed. I have changed. My relationship with my sons has changed. My feelings about the agreements me made have changed. We do not have anything in writing yet - and in a way I am glad. Becaase I feel that makes things "negotiable".
I can't make this about her anymore, I won't. I can't support the idea of making this all "easy" for her, her decision - as much as I respect it still (don't fully understand it all, but respect what I can about it). I don't HAVE to struggle as much as I have been, it was my choice in the beginning, but once again..that has changed. I punished myself, but now I must move forward.
I will post some email discussions we had today about child custody, I had advised her that I want to have the kids more often...starting with adding an extra day a week..or something we could mutually agree on.
Was hoping I could get some advice or critisism on my verbiage.
Going to post it below..so this post doesn't appear so long.
Me: We can mutually agree on a way for me to see the kids more often – ie: when you have work related events, social life commitments etc. or add time to the current schedule.
I have considered what type of new schedule I would like, with regards to adding additional days – and around my daily schedule. It can go that way as well, if you would care to hear what I propose.
Her: I don't want any regular days added right now, with me working so much I feel like I barely see them as it is. If you are saying you will be flexible and want them if I happen to have to work and extra weeknight or weekend then I am ok with that. I asked my dad to babysit last night and my mom to babysit on saturday (I was asked to work) because I thought you said you couldn't take them because your scheduled was changing. What is beginning to get irritating to me is your inconsistency. You tell me something, I do it, then you seem to get irritated with that and want it all changed around again, and even step it up a bit and say you want them extra days permanently! We agreed to one night a week and every other weekend and I would be flexible if you wanted to take them out an extra day or something and you would be flexible if I needed to work. Can we keep with the original agreement?
Me: I can understand how that can feel irritating to you and that you feel that I am being inconsistent.
The financial situation was getting very tight and stressful for me when I mentioned to you that I felt I was going to be unable to see the kids more often, it hurt to even have to consider that as an option. I appreciate you accommodating me with that.
I have been fortunate to have some OT lately and it has helped me catch up, I didn’t expect that to happen when I had originally approached you about the schedule. I didn’t mean for it to appear as being inconsistent behaviour.
My request to see them more has no bearing on being irritated, I am not irritated. I am not trying to play games, your dialogue leads me to feel like you think I am?
Yes, we had an original agreement, verbally. At that time I just wanted you and the kids to be OK, I was overwhelmed with guilt and just wanted to give you everything I could. I didn’t want you to hate me anymore than I already felt you did. I have spent a lot of time and have put a lot of hard work into who I am and what kind of Father I am. I am a good Father, ALL of the time. I am committed to my sons. I don’t feel I should have to defend why I want to see them more often, I deserve to. It was a 50/50 decision by both of us that they are here today.
I am sorry you feel that you do not see them all that much, because you have to work so often. It is your decision to work and how you co-ordinate your life schedule and fit your time in with the boys. I am responsible for my choices as well.
I am sorry, I cannot say I would like to permanently stay with the original agreement.
I am going to spend some more time with my sons, we need to work something out to make that happen.
Her: The original agreement was not about you wanting to give me whatever I wanted. You threatened to take the kids half time if I pursued the issue of child support! I am not opposed to you seeing the more often, but the permanent arrangement we had I think is what we should stick with and I will be flexible like I always have been if you want an extra day here or there.
Me: A lot happened when you decided to leave, a lot has happened since then. I am not going back in time to review the way I felt when those discussions were had, I said what I did – and do have some regrets. I wasn't prepared for you to take our kids and walk out of my life…period. I have spent too much time controlling and undertanding those thoughts and feelings, and moving forward.
This has nothing to do with child support payments or anything else you may want to try and consider.
I am not going to be a “here and there” parent. I refuse to argue that matter with you.
I appreciate you offering to be more flexible at this time. I accept what you can do for me at this time.
But please understand that I am serious about not having this be permanent. I do not feel it is what is best for the kids…long term. I have a right to want this and feel this way. I am not saying I want this in the very near future, but I expect that to happen at some point later on.
I respect your feelings on the matter as well – and I am sorry. ----------------------------
Thats is where it ended off. I have not persued her to continue the discussion. I am feeling perhaps I have hurt her or angered her - or she is trying to process this in her own way.
You are being to nice. Get a lawyer. The longer you continue this the more it will look to the courts that you are OK with it. Quit worrying about how she feels, she will use that to her advantage every chance she gets. Your wife is much better at this game than you, get real help because this is a real issue.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Try to get the time YOU want to spend with the kids now, it will be harder to change a court appointed shedule.
Also letting her know you are flexible is good b/c things/events come up.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 09/03/1003:03 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Man up get a lawyer and fight for your rights as a parent. Your kids deserve to have a active father in there lives. My personal goal nothing full custody until my stbex becomes a responsible adult then 50/50 split. I have no regrets about trying to maintain my relationship with my kids.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
Thats what I have a hard time comprehending - the new her. I never thought, the entire time I knew her, that she was into games. That she would try and hurt me. That she would ever lie to me.
I know the issue is real, so is trying to afford a Lawyer.
Guess I am going to have to fit this into my plans, somehow.
I see a lot of threads about Legal talk, but I am not sure how much of it I can relate to. I am pretty sure the legal system works differently in the United States, I am in Canada.
I have done some reading at the Family Law resource website - gonna cost big bucks.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Do you have any court issued orders yet? You may want to talk to a lawyer asap.
You have been going along with this verbal agreement for a while now. The fact that this is the way things have been and the kids are used to it, could work against you.
See a lawyer and at least ask some questions pertaining to your rights to your kids.
It's hard to not care for her feelings but you must do what's right for you.
Take the emotion out of it and get what's best for you and your kids.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
