Thanks for both of your posts with the pertinent quotes Pearl. They have been very helpful. I have been reading the 'setting them free' thread. My reference to feedback was regarding myself before I joined the forum. I lurked here for a month and read the books and thought I was doing well with the LRT...but it's obvious after just a few days here that I would have served myself better to have been posting and getting some feedback. I think I was misunderstanding what I read in a lot of posts that being in the same house would be the ideal situation for using DB methods. Here I was thinking I was in the best possible spot to turn everything around. Posting was a big 180 for me-my IC is encouraging me to reach out to people more, so I'm trying!
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
H came back after labor day. We didn't speak much-kept to our own parts of the house.
I worked a 12 hour shift the next day, and when I came home H said he wanted to make some phone calls, but didn't want to tie up the line if I needed to call my mother. It was the first time he mentioned that he knew about my mom. As expected, I was overwhelmed by emotion-mostly anger. I blew up and told him that I would need him out of the house next week while my mom was here. That I just couldn't deal with all of this loss and stress without being tempted to go to him for comfort. That if that happened I would be so humiliated because he was busy playing single guy and we both know he doesn't give a crap about anything concerning me anymore. H just looked at the floor and said he would be gone next week.
I tried to stick to the logical let them go speech. But there has been so little R talk since the bomb dropped, that it's just all aching to come out. H hasn't called me one time since the bomb; has only e-mailed 1 time about a bank error since the bomb. Communication is non-existant unless I'm home and doing my GAL stuff and being positive....then he drops in with, "you smell good", "you've been looking nice lately", etc.
I was re-reading DR, and was reminded about baby steps. Before H left for the weekend he did say that I could e-mail him if I needed anything....and he also 'fessed up that he does have a cell phone, but his account was messed up currently and the minutes he just bought weren't showing up, so he wasn't giving the # out to anyone. He also said he was very very sorry about my mom, and moved to hug me, but hesitated, and I walked away. I'm not sure if those count as positive baby steps, or I'm just a complete failure at all of this.
It's a grey rainy day here...I feel hopeless and lost. I hid on the computer all day reading the DB site and watching a horrible tv shows. Had a long GAL/180 list that I totally ignored.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
I ended up not being able to sleep all saturday night. Was just too depressed, angry, scared. Decided to write H a letter. I spewed out all of the negative angry things that I had been thinking about the whole situation and what I have been hearing from mutual friends and family. I have not asked anyone a single question about him-they just volunteer information, which is so frustrating. I had written the letter on my e-mail....then I sent it to myself instead of him. It made me feel a bit better to get all of it out and to be as spiteful and angry as I wanted without actually saying it to him. If he goes through my e-mail he might find it, but I'm not sure that would be a bad thing.
Went to a car show with some friends on sunday. H was supposed to come home sunday night to pick up clothes and do laundry. He never showed. Monday I tried to get in touch with a friend of a friend who is a real estate agent. Trying to figure out how I'm going to be able to get a house in a decent part of town without a full time job and no savings. It's impossible to find an apartment that will allow my 120# dog. Signed up for a writing class with my Aunt. Talked to some people about jobs. So I made up a bit for saturday's self-pity wallow-fest. Have been working on cooking things that I've always wanted to learn to cook. I stopped cooking for the most part during M, because H considered himself to be the better cook, so he would criticize-it was childish of me to let it get to me, but it did. Been practicing cooking ribs-at the very least, it is giving me some interesting stories!
Tomorrow my mom is coming to town to go see her oncologist and get her prognosis. I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Trying to work on staying positive for her. Think I am going to have to take some kind of sleep aid to get some rest tonight.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
Well, it's been almost 4 months since the bomb and not much has changed as far as the R. H shows up every few days to do laundry and pay bills....sometimes he's friendly, but mostly he pretends I'm not here or ignores me. No phone calls, no e-mails. I have been working on GAL-making plans with friends, going out as much as I can, helping my mom with doctor appointments (still waiting for the prognosis after many more tests), and having PMA. No calls or e-mails to H. No snooping, no questions.
Feeling stuck in limbo land.
Although- I AM feeling more positive about myself and my life and my ability to move on. My mom offered to loan me enough cash to buy a house, so I'm going house hunting with a realtor saturday. It will have to be something very small and in need of repair to be in my price range, but I'm excited about that because I did most of the rehab on our current house myself. Found a lawyer who suggested mediation-I just have to convince H that's the way to go. I won't be able to maintain a separate household without the settlement from the D. I just don't see any alternative at this point, since H will hardly speak to me.
One curious thing did happen. Before he left for the weekend today he left me a note saying he was moving him mom out of the house that their family had used as a summer vacation home since his childhood. My IC recently pointed out to me that I did all the emotional work in the relationship-including talking him through all of his issues and emotions. On one hand, I feel bad that he's going through this loss and I naturally want to rush in and help him deal with it, since his mentioning it seemed like a reaching out. On the other hand, he hasn't once brought up my mom, or asked how she was doing with her cancer. I'm not sure how to respond, or if I should respond to him. Not responding in a 180, but there has been so little contact between us that I'm tempted to use that tiny crumb to connect.
What to do?
Last edited by Oxymoron; 09/24/1009:07 AM.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
I know money is tight, but please be careful if you go the mediator route. I'm a big believer in using a GOOD mediator, but ONLY if:
- the divorce is uncontested, incl. custody
- one of the spouses isn't wayward
Your husband, whether he's more in "affair" mode or just general "walkaway husband" mode, is clearly wayward and rather foggy and entitled. That can be a not-very-healthy mix when trying to forge a legal agreement.
There's a reason they put that little "v" between the names of the parties in a divorce, Oxy -- by design, it's an adversarial system. At a MINIMUM, please consider hiring your own attorney (even if it's for an hourly or a small "flat fee" arrangement, rather than putting someone on retainer) to review any eventual mediation document, before you sign it. Even our mediator recommended to me and my wife that we do that (we eventually reconciled).
Why is he coming to the house to do laundry? Does he live there or not? If not, he can take his clothes to a laundromat. This business of coming and going as he pleases is great for him, how is it working for you? Have you told him to leave the house?
Make no mistake, he is cake eating and you are allowing it. He comes around every few days to make sure you're still waiting for him as a back-up and yep, you're there. He told you about his mom because he still wants to use you for emotional support.
I will say it again--if you're letting him go then let him go. His problems are his to figure out. He didn't ask you a question about financial/practical matters so there's no reason to respond.
You are stuck in limbo because that's where you choose to be.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Puppy- Thanks for the input. I have done free consultations with a few lawyers, and from what I can gather, the fees would probably eat up most any financial gain I would get from hiring a L. H seems to be feeling very guilty and does have a history of trying to buy off his guilt, so I think the only thing he would balk at is spousal support. The L who suggested mediation does family law only and has been doing it for over 20 years-he seemed much more knowledgable than the other L's I talked to. I will get a few more free consults. Still don't know if H would even consider mediation, so I want to be sure on my position.
Pearl- Thanks for your input as well. I read through all of your sitch and admire how you stood up for yourself. My financial situation is a bit different in that we are broke from working at keeping our house while H was laid off and we are barely keeping our heads above water right now. We agreed that he would be keeping the house after the D, so it's been difficult for me to keep it clear in my mind that I can ask him to leave. I don't think he will agree to that, so I have been looking for somewhere that I can go. It's hard to 180 a lifetime of being told I would never be able to survive on my own, but I am really working at it! Got my first call back today from a job application, so I'm feeling positive. I guess when/if he comes back next week I will need to set some boundaries about when he can be in the house, and just keep telling myself that the D is his choice, so he has to deal with the consequences.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
My financial situation is a bit different in that we are broke from working at keeping our house while H was laid off and we are barely keeping our heads above water right now. We agreed that he would be keeping the house after the D, so it's been difficult for me to keep it clear in my mind that I can ask him to leave. I don't think he will agree to that, so I have been looking for somewhere that I can go.
Where is it written that you can't change your mind?
Change my mind about keeping the house, or change my mind about asking him to leave? The house is way too big for me-I couldn't even keep up with utilities on my own. I am seeing the light about asking him to leave though. It seems like letting go when we don't speak and rarely see each other. It didn't occur to me until Pearl said it that regardless of what he's thinking right now, every time he comes home and sees me here it reinforces the notion that I will always be around as a backup.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
