Hello - this is my very first post, so I probably won't get all of the abbreviations correct :-). I have been reading posts for a couple of weeks and I ordered and read Michele's book, The Divorce Remedy. I have come to realize that my H is having a full-blown MLC at 37. I wasn't sure what it was at first, because out of NO WHERE he tells me that he can't handle the guilt anymore - he is having an affair with a 27 year old bartender. As many of you unfortunatly know - it was devastating. We had a wonderful marriage - really. We have been together since we were 17years old. Wonderful sex life, no an AMAZING sex life, 2 wonderful D, good careers, wonderful friends and families. I can't tell you how many times during my marriage people would tell us how they wished their marriage was like ours. We never fought (just little stuff like everyone does, but we always made-up right away), were always touchy-feeling, even after 20 years. Then the last year, I got a big promotion at work that was very stressful and took a lot of my time. He started complaining about every single little thing. I would laugh at him and say that he was manstrating again and to take his tampon out! I never took what he was saying to me seriously. Just thought he was going through some kind of phase. He loved me like a fairytale. He was a wonderful father and husband and I had the perfect life I thought. He started talking about selling our house and moving back to our hometown a state away...crazy insane talk. I wouldn't listen - just ignored him and what he was saying. He kept appling for different positions within his company that would take us out of state, and would get so upset when he didn't get considered for the positions. He has always been an athlete - works out all the time. But this last year, it became more. He had to get bigger, more "ripped" trying new diets, vitamins. Getting on me constantly about exercising with him. I never wanted to because I was so busy and then tired with work, kids, etc. I was never over weight, but like most women in their late 30's I could stand to loose a few pounds. He was suddenly wanting me to look like I did when I was young. I found photos of me when I was 19 years old in his wallet! But still, I didn't think anything of it. Then on July 3rd, after a 3 day drinking binge (totally NOT my husband), he told me that he was leaving me, that he was in love with someone else. That he had been seeing her for about 6 months. My world ended with those words. Crazy thing is - he had no plans, no where to go and no plans to live with the OW (who is married 2 but can't have any children). He was lost and totally confused.
Ever since then, he is a changed man. He stayed at home for 2 weeks after the announcement - physically broke off the relationship with the OW, but I found out he was still texting her a million times a day. He said he needed his space, so he moved in with a friend. Decided that he loves me but is not in love with me. I am his best friend, and he is totally attracted to me physically (but it is just lust)but there is something missing. He doesn't know what it is, but he just doesn't love me like he used to.
Total devastation from everyone we know and love. "this isn't ____!" "He would never do this!" "You two had the perfect marriage!" I have heard it all. He has completely alienated everyone he knows and loves. The OW is the only person he says that he can talk to that doesn't hate him. The only one who understands him. blah-blah-blah.
Now I am 2 months into the separation. We are "friends" and talk/text everyday. We have done a few "family" things together with the kids. I have done ALL of the things that I am not supposed to do - beg, plead, cry (all of the time), tell him how much I love him. Of course it has done nothing but push him away. I know what I am supposed to do - go on with my life, give him his space, etc. but this weekend we had a medical emergency with our youngest D and I couldn't reach him. I had to go to his apt. and pound on his door and windows until he finally heard me and came to the door. I lost it. I couldn't believe he wasn't there when something horrible happened to our daughter, that I was totally alone dealing with this emergency while he was figuring out what was "missing" in his life. I gave him my wedding ring and told him that he won. He had officially lost his family. I emailed my friend that is a lawyer and got the information on how to proceed with the divorce and then called him today with the information. For the first time it hit him...what was happpening. He asked me to wait until we sold the house and that we would decide after that what the next step was. He clearly didn't want to proceed. He complained about the money and that he didn't want to give a lawyer any money. I laughed and said that he wants to leave me, but isn't willing to pay for a divorce?! I asked if he thought we would be separated forever? He didn't know, he just didn't want to do anything right now. I told him okay, and that I would continue to give him the space he needs. That I am not in a rush to end my marriage.
It is all so confusing and terrifing. All of my friends and family think I am crazy to "wait" for him to realize he still loves me. They all get so mad and angry. It is hard to contantly defend myself to everyone. How do you all deal with the insanity that is all around you? I never know what to do from day to day.
Sorry my post is so long! I guess I have just been building everything up and it all came out in one post!
me:37 H:37 Together: 20 M: 14 D: 12 D: 10 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 OW: together about 7 months - still in picture
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Bad idea. How is that working out for you? You plan on being his friend until he finds somebody else? Awfully nice of you.
Go dim. Back way off. Only communicate when it's about logistics/financial kinds of things.
Make sure he doesn't bleed your savings accounts dry or run you into a poor house. Go see an attorney and look into getting a legal seperation to protect yourself financially, or you might be here asking about bigger problems before you know it.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I see my friend cadet has been here to give you homework.
First thing I can think of is the three main things you must do here is #1 detach, #2 Patience, #3 Work on yourself. These are in no particular order of importance. Actually #3 should be the most important.
Your H is on a journey, and he is forcing you to take one too. At first you will fight the fact that you have to do it but as you step forward you will find that it is a necessary journey. On this trip the destination is not as important as the sights that you will see.
There are no tactics here. MLC is not for the weak willed. It is a marathon not a sprint. You must outwit, outplay and outlast you H MLC. In the process you must find YOU. That is the person that we are concerned with here. YOU!
Start reading, learning and posting. Ask lots of questions because the only bad one is the one you do not ask.
I am sure others will come and look in on you and give you some more advice. This is a great place to be. Enjoy.
Thank you so much for the links! I will start right away. I have really started to work on myself - I have been hiking with friends everyday after work. The forest were we hike is wonderful and very spiritual for me. A place I can pray since I don't attend church anymore. Meanwhile, I have lost 22 lbs and look fantastic if I do say so :-) I am wearing a 2 piece swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. My H is actually afraid to be alone with me, because he can't keep his hands off of me - seriously. I told him that we have a chemistry that will not go away with a divorce. He keeps saying that sex was never our problem. When I ask what our problem was, he really doesn't know. I don't listen is the best he can come up with.
I am bonding with my Ds and it has been incredible. They are so supportive and wonderful. Our relationship is on a new level.
I am spending lots of time with friends and my mom. My dad and my husband were best friends, they worked together - share the same friends. My dad is sooooo angry that I can't even spend time with him. All he does is bad mouth my H and talk about how he hates him and wants to kill him. It is so sad. My mom worshiped the ground my H walked on. Thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.
I am also going to Las Vegas with my girlfriends from high school/college this month for a long weekend, while my H keeps the girls!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
First off, there is little here that will surprise most..
We have seen it all , heard most of it, and deal with this crap everyday.
You will meet some of the best people you will ever meet here. They will guide you and talk you down from the edge of the cliff. Cry with you and share from the bottom of their souls.
IF....
You do the work on yourself.
Originally Posted By: TAMF
Then the last year, I got a big promotion at work that was very stressful and took a lot of my time.
Originally Posted By: TAMF
He started complaining about every single little thing. I would laugh at him and say that he was manstrating again and to take his tampon out!
I guess he did huh ?
Originally Posted By: TAMF
I never took what he was saying to me seriously.
How about now?
Originally Posted By: TAMF
I wouldn't listen - just ignored him and what he was saying.
Originally Posted By: TAMF
I never wanted to because I was so busy and then tired with work, kids, etc.
Originally Posted By: TAMF
But still, I didn't think anything of it.
How would YOU feel if that /\/\/\/\ were reversed....?
Originally Posted By: TAMF
My world ended with those words.
My guess is....that it didn't...
Originally Posted By: TAMF
We are "friends" and talk/text everyday. We have done a few "family" things together with the kids.
Do what YOU can handle for now....
Nothing more than that...
Originally Posted By: TAMF
I gave him my wedding ring and told him that he won. He had officially lost his family. I emailed my friend that is a lawyer and got the information on how to proceed with the divorce and then called him today with the information. For the first time it hit him...what was happpening. He asked me to wait until we sold the house and that we would decide after that what the next step was. He clearly didn't want to proceed. He complained about the money and that he didn't want to give a lawyer any money. I laughed and said that he wants to leave me, but isn't willing to pay for a divorce?! I asked if he thought we would be separated forever? He didn't know, he just didn't want to do anything right now. I told him okay, and that I would continue to give him the space he needs. That I am not in a rush to end my marriage.
Be careful ringing bells Tam....Once they're rung, that can't be UN-rung.....
Originally Posted By: TAMF
It is all so confusing and terrifing. All of my friends and family think I am crazy to "wait" for him to realize he still loves me. They all get so mad and angry. It is hard to contantly defend myself to everyone. How do you all deal with the insanity that is all around you? I never know what to do from day to day.
Your friends should be YOUR support...
Simply put....This is my decision, and if you can't support it, then we will NOT be discussing anything.
MLC is a long road, filled with lots of bumps and mountains...
There is no cookie cutter advice for this..
Simply put ?
Work on you, and take this time, to really find out who you are .....
My advice for right now ?
Read the resources Hannah Montana put up for you.....
Really read them and understand this monster named MLC.....
Here in MLC, we tend to lean toward self-growth and healing.
No two MLC's are the same....they are as individual as the person going through it.
Thank you - it is refreshing to talk to people who know what I am going through. It really is amazing how little people know about MLC - myself included! People laugh and make fun - but when it hits the man you love, it is horrible. Like a nervous breakdown. I realize some men go out and buy big toys or start to workout and diet. But what is happening to my husband is like a disease. A cancer to his personality. My friends cringe when I say MLC. They think I am making excuses for him. But I actually care about him and worry about what is happening to him.
Thank you agian for the help - I will work on the detachment process and let you all know how it goes.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I don't like the term MLC (like a lot of professionals in the field of psycology).
After all, it can happen at any age. Think of somebody who is constantly putting off enjoying the moment because they are building their career, raising kids, trying to buy a home, the right kind of cars, save for retirement and so on.
They spend a lot of time sacrificing today for future rewards, and in the meantime they aren't really enjoying themselves that much, but they keep that quiet because "things will be better".
Meanwhile, they look back more and more often and their growing resentment at never really feeling all that happy, but it's all going to get better right?
Then one day, they wake up, they have the house, the retirement account, the cars, and so on, and they still aren't happy. Now, they lose the dream, and the resentment and regret overwhelm them.
That's not a mid life crisis--that's a skewed perspective leading to a crisis and another skewed perspective no matter what you call it.
Drag in an affair and all bets are off it's even what I have described because most partners having affairs pull the crap you are talking about, and I don't care if they are 16 or 60.
As far as MLC goes, I like John Boyd's take on it which he developed when his parents suddenly divorced: "I resolved to have a mini mid-life crisis every couple of years instead of saving it all up for one big one".
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/01/1009:18 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
TAMF, I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. Not everybody going through this make it here. So now you get to read. These people here will help you and know what they are talking about. It takes a while for all of this stuff to sink in. Even then there will be times of doubt that you will have to conquer. This was a trip that you did not start. That part is huge to get to realize about this wacky mess that will keep unfolding. This Monster takes time. Lots of time. You will get the help you need if you ask for it. Many have been through most of what you described. I love the "you two had the perfect marriage" in your post. Remember this: If people said that to both of you throughout your marriage, then it was probably true. I have been there and done that. Now.... you have people here that really understand this journey that you will take as a LBS. Some stuff is going to hurt but you will grow in ways you will not see. But others around you will see it. They will tell you when you do. You won't necessarily see it in yourself, but if you do the work that you must do, it will payoff in the long run. I do mean loooong run. It takes time for you to get used to this. It is like learning a new instrument or procedure for the first time and you know how frustrating that will be. That is when you truly have to dig deep for patience. Patience is going to be the #1 weapon to protect you. It sounds like you already have had an OMG moment when you stated I have come to realize that my H is in a full blown MLC. You will make mistakes, maybe many mistakes, but the lessons learned will be very valuable. Hang in there, it seems like you have got a great start!!
