Puppys Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice for WAS

[Dagny-2]

"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"


1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:


2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or


2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Can we have a discussion about just these two different approaches/philosophies? They are dramatically different. Who has succeeded with each and who has failed? Why? What worked and what didn’t? I’ve read some of the links that Allen A has posted and it appears that the DBing approach and the Penny Tupy approach are vastly different. I get the concept of the “Great Race” and that makes sense, but the no contact/minimal concept seems very extreme, especially with kids involved. But also as has been stated previously, a lot of both DBing and Tupy’s approach (is there a more formal name for this) are counterintuitive. Which is why we all lament at the beginning about the mistakes we make!

Thanks in advance for the help.

Dagny

[Vulcanized]

Hi Dagny,

I'm doing a combo of both.

Part 2: 9 months ago, I told H that there was one person too many in the M. Since OW is still a part of my M, I checked out. Moved out in March. Was dim/dark from Nov - Jan (moved out), dim from Jan to March (back in house), dim again from March (when I moved into apt) until June. Been pitch black for 5 weeks or so.

Part 1: in June, actively, aggressively exposed H's affair to all mutual friends. Exposed to my parents in November. H's parents are dead. Exposed to H's bro in Feb, he doesn't believe me. Friends do.

I'm trying the combo b/c H has been bringing OW around as 'new' OW, completely bypassing the part about year+ A. H told our friends I had A (completely untrue) and that was reason for our D. (also completely untrue)

As for right now, this moment. I am at the end of my rope w/H. At this point, think I'd rather be D than continue to deal w/H, OW & A. Thought that going black would help preserve loving feelings & keep me safe from H, OW & A.

What has actually happened is that some of the realizations that I've had have made me think there is no chance of R M. That may or may not change. Currently, H filed D 2 months ago. I contested, which means H can't get D until 3/2012.

I'm going to sit tight for a bit, then make a decision. I may tell my L to refile, under A, and have H served later this month for his 40th b-day.

Hope that makes sense/helps.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In advance of what I'm SURE will be a lively and spirited discussion, Dagny, I would point out that -- in your case -- didn't you pretty much try the nicer/softer approach the first time? What do you have to lose by trying something more dramatic/extreme like either Allen A's or Gucci's/Rob'x approaches?

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

fyi, we already hashed out a lot of this debate on this thread recently:


Why Bo Peep doesn't work

[Puppy Dog Tails]

omg, I just looooooved this post, from Dudess:

Here's an anecdote for the 'Bo Peep' files.

Last night I ran in to a woman I had chatted with a few times ten years ago when out on the town with friends. Back then, her H had just moved out saying he 'needed space'.

We were catching up and she told me that after a couple months of 'space', nothing was happening between her and her H. He didn't talk about what was wrong, didn't want to go to MC, didn't know what he wanted, etc.

She didn't buy any marriage books, learn about MLC or join any internet support groups. She just expanded her social life, lost 20 pounds and filed for divorce.

They divorced, just seeing each other as needed to deal with their children. Eight months later, H said he had made a mistake and begged her to marry him again. She said she wasn't sure but agreed to date him again. She made him start from scratch, and deal with what had happened. After a year and a half, they remarried. Now they have been happily remarried for 6 years.

This woman is not particularly remarkable in her looks, or intelligence, but I found her clarity about her situation quite remarkable. 'He didn't want to make a marriage with me anymore', she said. "It didn't matter if he was in MLC or having an affair, it wasn't a marriage anymore. If I had waited for him instead of moving on with my life, I would have been full of resentment and it would have been harder to work things through."

Someone needs to come up with a name for THAT approach. "Pragmatic"? "The Realist"?

[Vulcanized]

Sanest Approach Ever?!?

[Coach]

Someone needs to come up with a name for THAT approach. "Pragmatic"? "The Realist"?

The Stoic.

[Dagny-2]

I love lively debates and I will go read the Bo Peep thread.

Last time my H did not have a PA. Of course, I could be naive about that, but I truly believe he had an EA with a married woman and their crossing the line was through phone conversations/conversations at work. Believe me, if we would even reconcile, this will all be addressed before we could move on.

Yes, last time I tried the "nice" approach, he stuck around for about 9 months until he moved out and then things started to move along. But it did work last time, that was 7 years ago and until I left him alone for 1 year living on his own and he got lonely, the M was working (of course, I thought it was working after he started the A, so I might not be the best judge of this).

So how does the "letting them go" approach differ from the simply being civil and not initiate contact or prolonging contact method?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Someone needs to come up with a name for THAT approach. "Pragmatic"? "The Realist"?

The Stoic.

Perfect. Alternatively, "The Bud Grant Approach."

[Ready2Change]

That is the "move on and set healthy boundaries" approach....