Hi - new here. My story is pretty similar to the ones already out there, so here's the short version.
Married 17 years, 3 boys (10, 8, 5). In April, H started acting weird and distant, suspected A, confirmed in June (OW works in his office). We are now separated - he is staying with "friends". He sees the boys a couple times a week. I have been doing nothing but research on A's and MLC. He follows the scripts of both. When I thought I was just dealing with an A, I believed there was hope, once he got out of the affair fog. OW is also married with 3 children. Now I believe he is also deep in MLC and I'm not sure what to do with that. Since we are separated, I have no idea what (or who) he is doing. Our only conversations are about the kids. He tells me he hasn't been happy for years, but I find that hard to believe. So do our mutual friends - people we've known for years. He has alienated his family. After reading a lot of your posts, I know that I basically have to detach from him. I am getting a life - exercising, going out with friends, enjoying my children. But the nights are rough. I hate going to bed alone. It's so hard to believe that this man who I've loved for so long has turned into someone I don't even know. I struggle and cry everyday. My heart breaks for my children, who didn't deserve this. I still want our marriage. I still love him. Please... any advice would be most appreciated.
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Thanks, puppy. I have proof of the affair. Back in June, he claims he ended it (I saw the text he sent her), but I wasn't fooled. Since he still works with her, I know it is not over.
What is your opinion on telling OW's H? I have a lot of conflicting feelings about that.
I am already in step 2b, I think. He is out of the house, free to do what he chooses. I learned he is looking for an apartment. We do not speak except about the kids usually via text (my choice). Should I try to pursue a friendship with him, so that he can see how great I am (wink, wink)? Or just try to be patient?
What is your opinion on telling OW's H? I have a lot of conflicting feelings about that.
I think absolutely, you should inform her. Why should she be the only adult of the four involved to NOT know the truth of what's going on, so that she can make her own informed decisions that she thinks are best for her and her family?
I am already in step 2b, I think. He is out of the house, free to do what he chooses. I learned he is looking for an apartment. We do not speak except about the kids usually via text (my choice). Should I try to pursue a friendship with him, so that he can see how great I am (wink, wink)? Or just try to be patient?
You're not fully understanding what "2b" is. Go read Gucci's thread, if you haven't begun to already. The distinction you're missing is, "Just because you're dark, doesn't mean he necessarily knows you're 'letting him go'." You could just be FRIGHTENED, for instance, or a classic conflict-avoider, or possibly being dark because you don't want him to see you upset, etc. There are a bunch of different reasons why HE might think you are dark, if you've never given him the "letting him go" speech.
No, do not try to pursue a friendship with him. Be CIVIL, and let him see you (or hear about you) interacting with OTHERS positively, wonderfully, etc. But if you do that with HIM, he'll see it as condoning his affair, and he'll just cake-eat, going back and forth between you and OW to get his needs met.
Again, the above two approaches are the only things I've ever seen work.
I gave him a "letting him go" letter a couple of weeks ago (he had been cake-eating for months). Said that I knew this wasn't working, that he needed to go and the only time we should talk would be regarding the kids. I have since gone on vaca with a friend, starting exercising 3x a week, concentrating on kids and work, even planning my own 40th b-day party. I realize that I can't control his feelings/emotions/actions and I have stopped trying and am even trying to stop thinking about it. I have a lot to keep me busy. I have an appointment with a L tomorrow to discuss my options. I am in IC. So basically, I should just proceed with my life as if he didn't exist, except to be civil to him when I have to see him, right? It's hard with kids - they are upset and I don't want to ever put them in the middle. I'm trying to get strong and your words are helping. Keep 'em coming! Thanks!
Then YES, you are doing "2b", and YES, you should just keep it up. Not only did you give him the letter, but your ACTIONS are also screaming "I'm letting you go," which is the most important thing.
Any suggestions on what to say to OW's H? I have his contact info. I'm just not sure what to say. I never wanted to be 'that' person. What if he's an abuser? What if he boots her and then she and my H are free to be together? I'm very non-confrontational and I am afraid to make that call.
