Need some advice here

[gettinsomenads]

Sorry this may go a bit long.

I haven't posted here in a long time 8 months or so and then it was in the Newcomers section.

The basics of my story are;

My wife suckered me into moving to a new town about an hour away from my work and all my friends and family.

She said how it would be a new start for us and how good it would be for the kids and stuff.

That was December 2009.

About a month before this huge move she give me the ILBNINWY story and OMG the storm begins.

So long long story short I DB my a$$ off and even did many many coaching session with Jody from here. She is wicked by the way. We even did joint and individual sessions with my wife.

After all that time DBing there was a bit of a bump in the road. Finally comes out a year long affair with her ex boyfriend who lives ... you guessed it in the new town.

Still tried to divorce bust willing to forgive and move on but just not enough for her and STBXW decides she want to be with him.

We sepatate in house for 3 months. We sign a separation agreement money changes hands, custody agreement done and she moves out.

So, I mean you know how it goes friking dying inside. So quiet and lonely in the house without the kids. Of course she scripts the usual "wants to be friends" texting me with this and that but nothing important.

So finially all I can do is meet her with anger. Not rage or anything in front of the kids but just can't talk to her in anyway. I just drop the kids off and run.

Finally I come to the honest fact that I still love her. I mean we have been together for 15 years ... I am sure everyone gets it.

So this weekend I text her an let her know this and that basically I am so angry and it makes it easier for me to have to deal with all of this "hiding behind my anger".

For whatever reason telling her this was kind of freeing for me. I have no idea why.

Then last night she says she wants to come over and show me (us actually my mother in law and her boyfriend rent my basement suite) my daughters new hair cut.

Now she is like poking me and sort of play fighting and stuff. I dare say flirting with me.

Tonight I drop the kids off she invites me in for coffee and I take her up on it. Also drops she has broken up with her boyfriend.

Through the grapevine I hear she already has another on the side.

I posted here because I have not been trying to DB at all in anyway. I see no answer but a divorce. I have been through the meat grinder.

I cannot go backwards now. Someone said to me once, "hurt me once shame on you", "hurt me 2, 3, 4, 5, times shame on me".

I really don't understand what she wants from me. She moved out 2 months ago. I don't know how to deal with this or her. I have to see her 4 days a week to drop off the kids

I am just trying to keep my head above water. You know I am up and down good somedays, real lonley others. I am also watching my kids struggle and it hurts me as well.

I am not like "maybe she wants me back" because I just can't see it ever working again.

Just how do I deal with this? I know nobody can say exactly what she wants from me but ... good god if you want to go then go and let's get to the business of raising our kids.

[mishka422]

Until you come to a conclusion on what you want it's going to be hard to answer your question.

How to deal with it? Deal with yourself first. Get a handle on what you want and need. Be logical about it first then deal with the emotion of it.

So answer that question first....WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[soleil]

So is there any way to find out if she's seeing that other person right now? Did you ask her about it? Two months isn't that long of a separation.Sounds like she may be turning a corner.

[gettinsomenads]

Thanks for your responses.

What I would like is to completely separate and move forward.

Take the time to heal.

It is impossible to completly separate we have kids.

If she is actually seeing the other person I have no idea.

At one point I could have forgiven the unforgivable but now ... even more has gone on since the initial discovery of the affair and it came down to the untimatum of him or me.

She choose him. I am no ones second fidle.

We have been out of the same house for 2 months but I lived in the basement suite separate and appart for quiet a while. We even came up with a temperary custody arangement.

She is probably having regrets but I doubt she would ever admitt it and I am not going to ask.

[ImprovedRomeo]

First off this is all very difficult and we've all been through the ringer (some still going through it).

How old are the kids? You'll never really be able to cut her out of your life completely because of the kids but once you've moved on and she's moved on she'll be like the neighbor at the end of the street who you see once in a while, say hello to and be cordial with.

She is probably having regrets but I doubt she would ever admitt it and I am not going to ask.

It's kinda irrelevant what she's doing or thinking...as mishka said what do you want? If you're ABSOLUTELY SURE you don't want her back then go ahead and file. Take control of the situation and build your new life without her. But based on what you wrote I don't *think* you're emotionally ready to let her go? So if she came back tomorrow appologized profusely and showed remorse for what she did what would you say to her?

[gettinsomenads]

Hi Everyone.

Romeo thanks for your reply and I spend quite a while last night reading your sitch.

Really I look at your timeline 2006 / 2010 and I know if I went back into it with her it would just be a few years of wheel spinning and time wasting.

She is a cheater - more than one affair was disclosed during the storm and I just never expected that.

My kids are 3 and 6 so you are right we will not be out of each others lives for a long time.

I am in the process of letting her go. We have been together for 15 years and on and off since I was 16 in highschool.

I don't expect that to disappear overnight ... its just one day at a time.

I cannot file because in Canada where I live there is a mandatory 1 year separation required before divorce will be granted. So there is no point in filing until 3 months before that date so that would be Feb 2011.

I guess I don't know what to do with this play fighting and flirting ... I guess really I just answered my own question like my username. I should get some nads and tell her to stop. Period.

[ImprovedRomeo]

In my situation yes I wish I'd D'd her the first time I would've been much better off both financially and even emotionally by now. Hindsight is 20/20 but even then there were some positives in our reconciliation especially when I think about DD. She at least got to experience some family stuff and build some fun memories that she'll cherish for the rest of her life.

However, I like that you're looking at things objectively. Since you can't file for a while that's a good thing actually. You're in no rush and you can use this time to detach and focus on yourself. Figure out how you want the D to go and use this time to research the laws and attny's while you have the time.

As for her flirting etc...could it be that she's simply being cordial and you're reading too much into them? Even if she is you decide how you will react to them...or won't. Setting boundaries is good and you should definitely do that but you can't tell her 'STBX next time don't ask me if I want a coffee!' instead you just politely decline 'No thanks. Are the kids ready to go?' - your focus should be the kids nothing else.

Now if she does do something that over steps the line then clearly you should tell her not to "That's not appropriate, please don't do that." etc.

You have to stay in control of your emotions and it's important to treat her with the same level of respect and courtesy that you would expect from her- if nothing else for the sake of future kids dealings.

[gettinsomenads]

Hi Everyone,

It's funny you mention reading into the flirting ... I was begining to think so too but ...

Last night my neighbour told me that her mom had see my STBXW doing the play fighting thing and her mom told her she found it hard to believe we where separated.


As far as the D we are bascially done ... separation agreement (money and other things like spousal and insurance done) custody done ... now a 1 year wait period file and divorced.

Can I ask you and anyone else what are some of the things you did to detach?

I totally hear you on th emotions in front of the kids as well as just basically don't engage and leave ASAP

[KenF]

my x did the same play/flirt/still friends thing too. really screws with your head.

i finally concluded their/her reasoning is that if she can play and i play along, then i wasnt really that hurt and i've forgiven and so she shouldnt feel guilty for what she's done.

if you're done and you dont want to play along with this act, then you have to set the guidelines. cordial and friendly without pretending its something its not is where i like it. we're parents to the same child, but not friends.

[TimeHeals]

finally concluded their/her reasoning is that if she can play and i play along, then i wasnt really that hurt and i've forgiven and so she shouldnt feel guilty for what she's done.

Mind reading.

You could flirt back and tease. Good practice for dating if nothing else