Need to share. Need to journal. Need some help putting up the mental "STOP" sign on negativity.
We paid bills together today -- always a tense activity (H still under-employed) -- but at least we are doing it together, right?
One good sign.
I want us to go back to sharing one phone line -- our phone at our home -- but H keeps referring to that line as "your phone" and maintains a separate one for himself. Maintains his separate place for himself, too.
Which, if we are together (I think) is a stupid, unnecessary, wasteful, exhorbitant drain on our resources.
Sigh.
I just read HB's post on "Life Lessons" and will now repeat to myself: You cannot control him.
Let go.
You can control only yourself. But some days -- I wonder if I can do that?
Trying...
So after the bills got paid I said to H (with humility not fury) -- "I would like it if we shared the phone line at our house."
He: "Don't go there." End of discussion.
Sigh. That's why I got sad. And started to get mad. Why can't we talk about this?
But instead I changed the subject and we went on with the planned activities -- dog walk, drive into the city together. I put on my "quiet, calm smile" so my surface was smooth. H was cheery, wanted my company.
Count these things as good signs of change, right?
But underneath, my mind is churning, my heart is pounding, and I'm shaking. I want to dump him and be free of the gunk and crap of his restrictions. I want to hit him -- how dare he not listen, not talk to me?...
BRIDGET HONEY, DON'T GO THERE, GRRRRLLLLLLL!!!!
So, trying to get a grip (good thing number three) I say to myself:
-- Look around at the positive things & signs of love between you, there are many, don't dismiss them!
-- Remember you are DB-ing, you have a plan, you are not lost!
-- Realize you also have options, and if things get unbearable, financially or otherwise, you can split everything up, quit your day job, and go live with your wonderful, understanding sisters for a while, taking your doggies along to bother their cats...
Keep your eyes open! See these things too:
-- H didn't want an R talk, but he did want my company
-- On the dog walk he complimented me over and over (I think he sensed my feelings were hurt)
-- He bubbled about how much he enjoys our jamming together (both learning to play the blues) and said we should do it every day and said (I quote) "it's a form of couple's therapy to be able to play music together, more people should do it."
-- He said "I think we're going to make it" and when I mumbled "hope so ... of course no guarantees" he said "I think it pays to be positive."
(Major change in attitude -- notice this!)
-- After he got finished with his meeting he phoned me to see if I made it to work ok, just to say hi, and to let me know how it went.
See, Bridget -- letting go is working.
Don't catastrophize. Don't overreact. Don't push him. Yeah, I may wanna unplug that bleeping phone line symbolically. But I gotta let it go.
And accept OTHER symbols.
Maybe we'll have a new "our song" and will play it together?
Bridget: he will show you that he loves you in his own way, and it will be more authentic that way.
Thanks you all for being the people I know will understand me. And will help me.
Bridget-the-impatient (but thankfully no longer "the impaler")
Hi Bridget, Thanks for dropping by my thread and for the kind words.
... and the phone issue may not be dead either. Take Michelle's advice and wait to see what he does. You put it out there and now he knows what you want, so let him mull it over for a while. He may approach you to talk about it some more, maybe offer a solution or at least a compromise. It may even occur after on of those jam sessions.
Keeping this in mind can help ease that internal turmoil.
hey bridget, have to say I love love love the determination in your posts and the strength with wich you carry out your "plan" I admire you!! and hope to someday be as good at this dbing as you are. I know what I should do but the keeping my mouth shut about it and letting go are tough!
my h too keeps his appartment but I don't get to complain about it's cost cause he no doubt would say the money doesn't effect our household (the benny of being a small business owner heh!) h has 2 cell phones a beeper and a phone at his office! why so many??
and the biggie...ea (pa still in ?) ow is STILL a customer and h has yet to decide what to do about that despite the fact that I want her to GO!! (to hell actually but I'd settle for just no longer a customer)
so what can we do about these things that they "know" are bothering us but are yet to change??
bite off the tips of our tounges in waiting for them to do something?
sit with the knowledge that if they don't step up we can always step out?
puzzled?? like you if I look close enough my h IS showing me signs of love they just happen to be in his way, ie I am looking for signs of affection to me that would be a hug a rub on the back a stolen kiss on the cheek etc to h apparently it is a quick pinch on the a$$ as he passes me by, this used to annoy the heck out of me in the past but now I look at it as his hug or quick kiss and it pleases me, would I rather not be treated like a football player? you bet but I'll take it for now!!
Hiya Bridget! Just passing thru and I really connected with your comments about sharing one phone line with your h. Man was this a sore spot with me with my H some months ago! My H has been working a second job out of our home for the past year. He has a seperate business line for that. All was fine until he started insisting that his friends, relatives, etc call him on his business line instead of our home number. I was puzzled and hurt at the time and didn't understand why.
After having the "spiel" given to me back in september and then a "recommittment" from him recently his business line is still very important for him for his personal calls too. The only thing that makes sense to me is that is his way of having his "space". My MLC H is not having an affair (he attempted an EA 5 months ago via email with his female boss. That has seemed to come to a dead end) but his MLC is demanding a lot of personal space for him. Apparantly this includes the telephone. So I am picking my battles carefully here.
My H uses his business phone a lot and he is unpreturbed if I am in the office while he is using it ( even with his conversations with his female boss). And yeah I've been there and done that with checking his answering machine and last number dialed thing, I am ashamed to admit. The bottom line for me was and is that his actions towards me are matching his talk. At some point I have decided to trust him again. Not unconditionally yet but as time goes on and his actions are speaking louder than his previous words I am allowing myself to step out on a limb and extend trust to him. For me it has been hard to say that it is only a phone line. There were other deeper issues for me about him that I have had to deal with. I am trying to "pick my battles carefully".
Thumbs up to your positive mental attitude girl!! You are hanging in there and whatever support you need we are here for you!! <<<HUGS>>>
I hope I don't say the wrong thing to you but here is my attitude right now. We connected on the board because weboth have a fiesty spirit. Your fiesty side does not want to take any [censored] from your H and neither does mine. But our little girl side wants to be comforted and loved and is scared. Every time we feel scared we voice our feelings and when they are negated our put down by our H we are NOT the type of waoman to take that. SO all of your anger is stuffed back in and you start to rationalize all of the good changes that your H is making so you don't feel pissed but you still are. It is what it is. Personally my "revenge" to his comment about the phone would be you standing your ground with another issue and feeling strong again. I am not saying play games but put the ball back in your court it is the only way he won't annoy you because you are going against your grain when you be quiet when he tells you to no go there. It isn't your personality and he should value that also. BUT he might listen to you at a later date on it so give him a chance BEFOrE you get annoyed.
Thanks all for your replies. Honestly how would I do this without you?
Ha ha, XYZ is so correct about my feisty spirit. It doesn't like a dousing.
I am learning to HARNESS that spirit in the interest of accomplishing my goals. And yes, XYZ, you are so wise -- the spirit will want expression somewhere, won't it?
So let's be creative about it, shall we?
Today I was able to do that when I wanted to make love but my H was reluctant. Instead of freezing in worry ("Is his mind on younger, more beautiful bods?") I got creative with my own ahem toys. Smiled at H and shrugged off his not being in the mood as not being in the mood. "Jeez, moodiness -- us women don't know anything about moodiness, do we, honey? What's the big deal?" Smile.
H actually laughed, lightened up too, and then opened up enough to admit to a little peformance anxiety. Hmm... food for thought.
He's not sure he can keep up with me lately, ladies.
Smile again.
Actually I'm feeling real honest humility today. I'm proud of my H for returning to me and being vulnerable to me again.
And of course you know I'm proud of myself for my amazing self-discipline and strength. And for squeezing into heels when need be.
(And speaking of creativity -- how do YOU GUYS manage to dress suggestively in winter?)
Hiya Bridget, Just wanted to say, Thanks for the visit and cheering me up. Your words always have an angelic touch that is so uplifting. My W was in a strange mood tonight, one I haven't seen before. She was upbeat but distant at the same time, as if she was off in her own little world and I wasn't invited. Don't know quite what to make of it? Oh well...they do keep ya guessing, don't they?
Thanks for the tip on the book, I'm going to have to check it out and no I haven't gotten to marriagebuilders.com yet. Will have to put some time aside to do so soon.
I know what you mean about more sunshine in store as the days lengthen. My W has mentioned how she hates the darkness of winter and it does adversely affect her mood. She almost becomes a hermit during the winter. Just trying to bide time til Spring.
Enough about me, any storm clouds on the horizon lately? Keeping a vigilant eye to see if they are the good kind that water the flowers so they'll bloom and stand clear of the ones that can drop a house on ya? In the meantime, enjoy the rays of sunshine that shine upon you.
Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between a doused feisty spirit and the rest huh? At least that's something I sometimes "struggle" with. I do find the stronger/more confident I become, the less I have a problem with it because I'm not worried about most things I used to worry about.
Dressing seductively in winter...IGgy bought me a great medium weight turtleneck sweater at old navy for Christmas - form fitting with these strategically placed darty looking lines - light colored. It looks great with low rise, boot cut jeans and great boots with about 1" heel. And you can even wear long johns underneath
Of course, there's always the bulky snuggly robe with maribu under it...
Oh well...they do keep ya guessing, don't they?
