Hi I'm new here and looking for a little direction. Married for 10.5 years with two children and my husband said a couple of months ago that he wanted our relationship to be like it was before. What I didn't know when he said this that he had felt like this for the the last 4 years. When We would have an argument I would threaten to leave and it kept pushing him farther away from me each time.It built up for so long that he had built a wall against me and had been thinking our marriage was over for several months before I knew he felt this way. I there is definitely an OW that is at the very least an EA , but possible PA. He maintains he was only talking to her about our marriage because she noticed something was wrong with him. They are co-workers. When I first discovered that he was talking/texting her he said that he was trying to figure out how to tell me that he wanted out. He thought he might have feelings for her, but she said no way because she didn't want to be the reason the marriage ended. On the night he told me this two months ago I truly thought our marriage was over. i left for a few hours to get a grip on what he was telling me and when i returned he asked me what we it would mean to work on the marriage and I said that I would work on figuring out how to stop "running" in conflict and that obviously we need to figure out how to communicate and I would find a therapist for us. He agreed that he would work on the marriage because of the way I felt about him. He didn't realize that I still loved him until we talked that night. For about a month everything seemed great. We were talking, we were intimate, he was telling me he loved me everyday and he was spending more time at home with me and our daughters. We went on our annual family vacation and I'm not really sure what happened to change his attitude, but after we returned home he started to become distant and more like he was a few weeks before. I tried talking to him about it, but he insisted that he didn't understand where my concerns were coming from. a few days later i asked again and he said tht he feels bad, he's tried really hard, but he didn't feel the love we had before and to be with me he really needs to feel that way to stay married. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave or not. In the weeks that followed it has been a lot of him pulling away and distancing himself from me, less intimacy, not answering phone calls or texts, him staying away at night until the early hours of the morning, and lots of ambivalence about him trying (because he's there) or him leaving (because he doesn't know if he is staying). I have acted completely irrational the last three weeks, lots of begging and continually professing my love, lots of questions about why he feels this way and lots of very heated, emotional and irrational arguments that have mentioned either me leaving or him leaving several times. He finally agreed to go to therapy this week, but he wanted to go to an individual session. I gave him my session on Monday and the therapist suggested to him we all meet this week, she called me to set up the appointment. The early morning hours before our appointment I was very anxious and not able to sleep. He woke up when I woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't think I wanted to go to therapy and I was feeling like this based on the therapist calling me to say she wanted me to have an individual session at the end of the week to begin to deal with what might happen at our couples session. He was very honest and said that he told her he was leaving me and he wanted out of the marriage. I struggled very hard that day, he insisted on trying to comfort me and I asked him not to and he wouldn't leave after he told me because he "didn't have a place to go", he held me while I cried and begged him not to go for over an hour and we ML, although I had to stop him because I was so confused and crying that I started feeling like I was going insane. He insists that he is not trying any longer and he is finished with the marriage. He came back and slept (different rooms) in our home the night he told me this. I got him to agree not to tell the children until we both knew exactly what to say and when we could have answers for them. We agreed that we should do a couple of therapy sessions with a new therapist to help us answer the girls questions. We agreed to tell them he was working late/overnight. I believe that he's staying with his parents, but he has not taken anything with him from the home. The night he spent in the home I left with the children by 8am and he stayed until early afternoon. He put away all of his clean laundry and put his dirty laundry in the hamper. He texted me the next day to ask if he could come by and shower/change. He wanted to do something with the girls this weekend and I told him he could stay at the house and I would visit a friend. I'm at a loss right now as what I should and should not do. He was asking me very often if I was ok and if I needed anything and I am trying not to be needy because I do want him to comfort me. I keep saying I'm ok and being very vague about my feelings. I don't know when he plans on "leaving" he hasn't taken anything. He started talking to the OW again, a few times in the last couple of days. Not sure if he's seeing her outside of work. He has stopped texting me with questions about me, it's all about the children now & I was trying very hard to make everything about the children the last few days. Please help so I can do the most productive things to keep him interested in the family and the marriage. We still have not made plans or scheduled a therapist yet to discuss talking to the girls. He has a very strong love for me and he cares about me very deeply. We have a very strong physical intimacy between us. BTW, on our vacation we, as a family, had a very traumatizing experience. Completely on accident, our 8 yr old daughter ran over our 12 yr old daughter with a golf cart at about 10 miles per hour. Both my husband and I witnessed this and we were all in the hospital for several hours before we knew she had not sustained severe injuries. She was admitted to the hospital. We were very fortunate, but I know for me I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that she could have easily been killed right in front of us and we could do nothing to stop it.
Hi I'm new here and looking for a little direction. Married for 10.5 years with two children and my husband said a couple of months ago that he wanted our relationship to be like it was before.
What I didn't know when he said this that he had felt like this for the the last 4 years.
When we would have an argument I would threaten to leave and it kept pushing him farther away from me each time. It built up for so long that he had built a wall against me and had been thinking our marriage was over for several months before I knew he felt this way.
There is definitely an OW that is at the very least an EA , but possible PA. He maintains he was only talking to her about our marriage because she noticed something was wrong with him. They are co-workers.
When I first discovered that he was talking/texting her he said that he was trying to figure out how to tell me that he wanted out.
He thought he might have feelings for her, but she said no way because she didn't want to be the reason the marriage ended.
On the night he told me this two months ago I truly thought our marriage was over. i left for a few hours to get a grip on what he was telling me and when i returned he asked me what we it would mean to work on the marriage and I said that I would work on figuring out how to stop "running" in conflict and that obviously we need to figure out how to communicate and I would find a therapist for us. He agreed that he would work on the marriage because of the way I felt about him.
He didn't realize that I still loved him until we talked that night. For about a month everything seemed great. We were talking, we were intimate, he was telling me he loved me everyday and he was spending more time at home with me and our daughters. We went on our annual family vacation and I'm not really sure what happened to change his attitude, but after we returned home he started to become distant and more like he was a few weeks before.
I tried talking to him about it, but he insisted that he didn't understand where my concerns were coming from. a few days later i asked again and he said tht he feels bad, he's tried really hard, but he didn't feel the love we had before and to be with me he really needs to feel that way to stay married.
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave or not. I n the weeks that followed it has been a lot of him pulling away and distancing himself from me, less intimacy, not answering phone calls or texts, him staying away at night until the early hours of the morning, and lots of ambivalence about him trying (because he's there) or him leaving (because he doesn't know if he is staying).
I have acted completely irrational the last three weeks, lots of begging and continually professing my love, lots of questions about why he feels this way and lots of very heated, emotional and irrational arguments that have mentioned either me leaving or him leaving several times.
He finally agreed to go to therapy this week, but he wanted to go to an individual session. I gave him my session on Monday and the therapist suggested to him we all meet this week, she called me to set up the appointment.
The early morning hours before our appointment I was very anxious and not able to sleep. He woke up when I woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't think I wanted to go to therapy and I was feeling like this based on the therapist calling me to say she wanted me to have an individual session at the end of the week to begin to deal with what might happen at our couples session.
He was very honest and said that he told her (the therapist) he was leaving me and he wanted out of the marriage. I struggled very hard that day, he insisted on trying to comfort me and I asked him not to and he wouldn't leave after he told me because he "didn't have a place to go", he held me while I cried and begged him not to go for over an hour and we ML, although I had to stop him because I was so confused and crying that I started feeling like I was going insane.
He insists that he is not trying any longer and he is finished with the marriage.
He came back and slept (different rooms) in our home the night he told me this. I got him to agree not to tell the children until we both knew exactly what to say and when we could have answers for them.
We agreed that we should do a couple of therapy sessions with a new therapist to help us answer the girls questions.
We agreed to tell them he was working late/overnight. I believe that he's staying with his parents, but he has not taken anything with him from the home. The night he spent in the home I left with the children by 8am and he stayed until early afternoon. He put away all of his clean laundry and put his dirty laundry in the hamper. He texted me the next day to ask if he could come by and shower/change.
He wanted to do something with the girls this weekend and I told him he could stay at the house and I would visit a friend.
I'm at a loss right now as what I should and should not do. He was asking me very often if I was ok and if I needed anything and I am trying not to be needy because I do want him to comfort me. I keep saying I'm ok and being very vague about my feelings. I don't know when he plans on "leaving"or moving out, he hasn't taken anything.
He started talking to the OW again, a few times in the last couple of days. Not sure if he's seeing her outside of work.
He has stopped texting me with questions about me, it's all about the children now & I was trying very hard to make everything about the children the last few days. Please help so I can do the most productive things to keep him interested in the family and the marriage. We still have not made plans or scheduled a therapist yet to discuss talking to the girls. He has a very strong love for me and he cares about me very deeply. We have a very strong physical intimacy between us.
BTW, on our vacation we, as a family, had a very traumatizing experience. Completely on accident, our 8 yr old daughter ran over our 12 yr old daughter with a golf cart at about 10 miles per hour. Both my husband and I witnessed this and we were all in the hospital for several hours before we knew she had not sustained severe injuries. She was admitted to the hospital. We were very fortunate, but I know for me I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that she could have easily been killed right in front of us and we could do nothing to stop it.
Why is your 8 yr old driving a golf cart in the first place? Especially without an adult in the cart to prevent this type of accident?
Follow these rules and stop begging your husband to stay. What is the deal with the affair? He knows you know, but doesn't care? You should probably expose it. Ask him how his family would feel about it.
Wait for better info from puppy, coach, R2C, Sandi, etc. I'm still kind of new to this, but pursuing your H will not work. Especially with OW in the picture. Is OW attached to someone else?Get the book Divorce Remedy and read it.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Thank you. My daughter was not alone in the golf cart. Both children were driving the carts with adult supervision, mine and my husband's, It was a very tragic and unfortunate accident. It was not possible to stop the cart. I have exposed the A with the OW. My 12 yr old has even asked about the OW.
Since he said he was leaving and it iis over i have not texted or emailed hi, and I have stopped pursuing him. I have mafe it a point to only contact him regarding the kids and nothing else.
My confusion is that he has not even packed a bag to leave the home.
