Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

I understand that when a marriage splits up someone is always the initiator but does that automatically make them a WAS? Why is their pain/confusion any less important? In short where do they go for help?

I have my reasons for wanting out but more importantly I have 2 very special, beautiful and innocent reasons to stay...but that doesn't make me any less confused or any less hurt.

I've been reading EVERYTHING. Talking, searching and hoping that things will become clearer. I want both sides of the story and I'm trying to truly understand the LBS side so that I can sympathize and hopefully help my H through this but I don't know where to go.

I accept that everything is my fault because I brought this to the table. I get that I dropped the bomb but deep down I know that it's just because we have both been too scared to say anything. I get and accept everything that is thrown at me but at times I feel like screaming 'don't kill the messenger.' I just said what we were both feeling and have been feeling for some time.

And now I'm even more confused. My thoughts seem so clear 99% of the time. Then I start to wonder am I rushing, is this really hopeless? I have been hurting for so long and hurt so many times that it's terrifying to think of opening myself up to that all over again. It took so long to say anything I just don't want to go backwards.

I won't ramble anymore, I feel like my brain is about to explode from everything rolling around in there. But the biggest question I have is, where do I get help if I'm the WAW?

[A_goodman]

Doodi,

It seems like you have an interesting situation brewing. I don't have a frame or reference for where you shoul go, but I can tell you that if your H is a typical LBS, you will be presented with some real opportunity to remake your M in a way that appeals to you (and him). If you are 100%dead set on ignoring those opportunities, you can expect this to get even harder and more confusing before it gets better for either of you.

BTW, expect some very experienced people to come along and help you. Greek and Sandi2 Will be able to give you more clarity. Listen to them. I expect them to tell you that there was a lot of mind reading in your first post. It's possible that your H doesn't "want this but was too afraid to say anything".

Secondly, it will be helpfull to know what "I have my reasons" means. A problem with my WAW is that her reasons keep changing. It has taken 2 months of MC to get down to any reasons that smack of sincerity. Be honest and open here. It's annonymous.

Good luck. I pray for you and all WAS so that they may get peace and find happiness again in their lives.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Doodi,

It seems like you have an interesting situation brewing. I don't have a frame or reference for where you shoul go, but I can tell you that if your H is a typical LBS . . .

Goodman, I think Doodi is saying that SHE is the walkaway spouse ... or about to be.

Doodi, thanks for posting. I give you credit, as it takes courage to not only face -- but vocalize -- the ambivalence you've got going on in your heart right now, about potentially tearing apart your family.

Are either you or your husband involved -- even emotionally -- with anyone else right now? That will make this process MUCH more difficult, and REALLY cloud your judgment. Such an infatuation will actually chemically change your brain, and interfere with feelings your husband and you would normally have towards each other.

I hope you don't mind my asking.

Puppy

[Doodi]

@Goodman
You're right, I might have "read his mind" a little, but I only take that from things said during arguments over the years. Also, the fact that neither of us has been able to 'love' each other in a way that it's felt.

My reasons may seem simple to many but I've lived with an emotionally abusive person for 15+ years. I've reached the point that I simple dread him being around. I'm never doing the right thing and I'm never good enough. It's just a constant fear of the aggression and hostility. I just want to not be scared.

@ Puppy-

I can only assume that H isn't involved in anything. I am absolutely NOT involved in EA/PA. I've actually focused on not letting anything like this happen. I want to make sure that the reasons I'm leaving are based solely on what is best for me and my family.

I am not looking to run to something or replace anything. My only focus is to find peace for me and my lil ones.

I am just so confused. I don't know which way to go. I just wish I could dump everything out of my head and on a table so I could separate the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't want to just react to emotions (leaving out of fear or staying out of guilt). I really am trying to do the right thing.

Here is a quote that seems to sum everything up for me right now.

"Try to follow your heart and you'll lose your mind. Try to use your mind, and you'll break your heart. This is the nature of love."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

@ Puppy-

I can only assume that H isn't involved in anything. I am absolutely NOT involved in EA/PA. I've actually focused on not letting anything like this happen. I want to make sure that the reasons I'm leaving are based solely on what is best for me and my family.

OK, I will take you at your word, Doodi. Your opening post just sounded a little "foggy," if you know what I mean, and I'm usually pretty good at spotting those sort of things. We're all anonymous here, so there's certainly no harm in telling us the truth, so we can better help you. I'm glad you're both trying to make such important -- in fact, life-altering -- decisions unencumbered by any influence from a third person.

In what ways has your husband been emotionally abusive?

Puppy

[pinhead]

If I didn't know better, I'd swear this was my W.

[TimeHeals]

If I didn't know better, I'd swear this was my W.

We're all unique... just like everybody else

[Greek]

I understand that when a marriage splits up someone is always the initiator but does that automatically make them a WAS? Why is their pain/confusion any less important? In short where do they go for help?

Brave girl stepping in this room. I love it! You can both get and GIVE help here, Doodi.

I have my reasons for wanting out but more importantly I have 2 very special, beautiful and innocent reasons to stay...but that doesn't make me any less confused or any less hurt.

I understand this completely.

I accept that everything is my fault because I brought this to the table. I get that I dropped the bomb but deep down I know that it's just because we have both been too scared to say anything. I get and accept everything that is thrown at me but at times I feel like screaming 'don't kill the messenger.' I just said what we were both feeling and have been feeling for some time.

Do you mean that the failing M is your fault? I'm thinking it's never just one spouse's fault that a M fails. Everyone makes a contribution along the way. And I (former WAW) struggled with "don't kill the messenger", too. B/c when I blew the thing open, my H admitted along the way that he had not been completely happy with the M as it was, too. And yet for a long time I felt like I was the bad guy for opening the can of worms. Actually, we both had to deal with the messy M we had and make a new one. And we did - there's some hope for you

I have been hurting for so long and hurt so many times that it's terrifying to think of opening myself up to that all over again. It took so long to say anything I just don't want to go backwards.

I have been in that place. Will you tell us more about how you got to where you are? It would help if you explained the path your M has been on and where it is right now.

I won't ramble anymore, I feel like my brain is about to explode from everything rolling around in there. But the biggest question I have is, where do I get help if I'm the WAW? [/color]

This seems like a good place to start.

Greek

[TimeHeals]

want both sides of the story and I'm trying to truly understand the LBS side so that I can sympathize and hopefully help my H through this

Darlin'. If you're going to be leaving, you can't help him through this.

You have control issues.

Go back and read Greek's post. You can't own or control all of this.

[Greek]

I am not looking to run to something or replace anything. My only focus is to find peace for me and my lil ones.

I really am trying to do the right thing.

I could have written your post three years ago. You can sort this out. There is so much to be hopeful about...but a lot of work to be done. You seem up for the task. What about your H?

Greek