Yes, he is still in contact with OW. As of this moment, he is living with her. In order for him to come home, he must end the relationship and have no further contact with her. That will be one of my boundaries.
If he chooses not to come home, I will just tell him that I will not continue living this way. I guess if it comes down to it, he'll find out I filed for a separation when he gets the papers. That's a really important point so thank you for bringing it to my attention - I probably would have told him my plans and that's not the best idea. I appreciate the advice.
I do not want to try to set an ultimatum, that's not what this is about. And this isn't a bluff. That is about ME and what I need. This is about walking through the valley, facing the pain and my fears and trusting that God is with me and will give me everything I need.
In order for me to be at peace with the outcome, I feel like I need to give him the choice to come home. He has said (and I know actions speak louder than words) that he would come home, but I wasn't willing to let him. I'm now giving him the opportunity.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Actions speak louder than words. He is living with her. Unfortunately, that is the answer you dont want to accept. We all know how hard that is, but for your own sanity YOU have to ACCEPT it.
Is sloppy seconds all that you're worth??
If so you need to figure out why you feel that is acceptable.
Have you established a timeline of how long the offer will be extended to him? IMO I would keep it short.
When it comes to my H I have had lots of troubles (in large part of my own doing!) setting boundaries that are all about me and not part of a greater "ultimatum package". Setting boundaries is one thing, enforcing them is another.
Once the wayward spouse lives with their affair partner (and especially if they have now started to involve family in their R) a tremendous power is created. The only way to end that power is IN FULL. No calls, talking, messaging, texting, e-mailing or seeing OW at all. The thing is, HE has to make that choice or else the resentment will be deep.
I guess in life all we can do is offer or create opportunity.
PMA, of course it's not what I want to hear or accept. But I'm not comfortable staying where I'm at with no action. I guess I don't see what's wrong with opening up a door of opportunity for him to come home (esp. since he's said he has wanted to). I'm not going to beg, cry, or really even ask - I'm just going to allow it if he chooses to do so WITH boundaries.
Why would this be sloppy seconds? If that's the case - isn't everyone who takes back a cheating spouse getting sloppy seconds?
CG, I was thinking of giving him a week, but I'm not set on that. If he doesn't sound interested at the time I bring this up to him, I might just call the lawyer and get things started.
I know the boundaries are going to be tuff which is why I would want to be up front about them. I have settled on so much. I'm not willing to settle on certain boundaries. But I know he sees boundaries in a different way than I do. I see them as like guard rails - things to help keep him accountable and on the right path, things I need to feel safe and respected. I think he might see them as bossy demands and a way of me controlling him. That's not the case, but I don't know how to get him to see the difference.
I know what you mean about him having to make the choice or resentment will be deep. But if I open up the chance for him to come home, aren't I giving him the choice? He's acting like he wants to come home, but I wasn't really ready. If I now give him a chance, it's his choice. I'm not forcing him to do anything. He doesn't know that if he doesn't come home I'm going to file for a separation. I feel like this puts the ball in his court.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Hopefully others will chime in but I think a week is way too long. IIRC many people who have been in a similar position give the WAS in an affair just 5 min. to make their decision. I am thinking Puppy posts often about this when offering advice so maybe you can do some research on what is "best".
I guess what many people are trying to say is when a WAS ends an affair it has to be on the own accord completely and totally.
If he sees boundaries in a different way than you do then one of you doesn't understand boundaries. Boundaries are designed to create a healthy R with yourself! My H said the same thing all the time - my boundaries were control. My boundary was clear - I did not ask him to make any choice but as long as he was with OW there would be no further movement on our R. So the choice was his and I do believe he had all the information to make the choice he thought was best. He chose her. But he did that with his own freedom and me not saying "this or that".
Why would this be sloppy seconds? If that's the case - isn't everyone who takes back a cheating spouse getting sloppy seconds?
Yes. If they take back a spouse that is still "cheating" aka sleeping with someone else.
In order to take back a WAS they have to WANT to try again. Have to agree to a FULL NO-CONTACT LETTER and FULL PRIVACY DISCLOSURE. If not they are wasting your time.
Ofcourse that's my opinion. Once again. Life is way too short to be with someone that is not "sure" if they want to be with you. Living with someone else as a backup plan or vice versa is not someone that I would take seriously.
Courts - I didnt mean to come off harsh. I just get so tired of seeing LBS get used and manipulated on this site that I let my emotions get the best of me.
I also get upset when I see the LBS "enabling" this behavior by continually giving that WAS a chance again even though the WAS never agreed to stop seeing the OP.
Until the WAS is READY and WILLING to come back to the R/M by FORMALLY establishing a NO-CONTACT policy with the OP then they are just "cake-eating" in my opinion.
I get the feeling that you are assuming he is living with her because he doesn't have a choice. While that might be true, I think it is much more likely wishful thinking. But, I get your thinking.
Here's my question for you. Do you think, deep down, that he doesn't already know that he could come back? I think he does, and he is choosing not to, but you are there, what do you think? IF you REALLY believe he doesn't know it, tell him once. And make it cleat that your non-negotiable boundary is that there will be no contact with her. Tell him it's not an open invitation, you will give him a short time (2 days?) to decide. After that, the invitation is closed, and you will do what is best for you.
On the other hand, if you think he already knows he could come back, then skip that step. Really and truly drop the rope, and do what's you need to do. It's not the end, it might even be what has to happen before he will do anything. At the same time, don't expect that, and don't expect that anything he does or says will be real.
Personally, I think that telling him he can come back right now isn't a great plan, but I really do understand your motivation. I'm just concerned that it will just lead you around in a circle, right back to where you already are.
This is the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with. Just when I think I have a decent game plan and start to feel somewhat at peace, it's pointed out that this isn't the best idea. I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired of this. IDK if I'm not expressing what I'm feeling or if this is a stupid idea. IDK.
I'm tired of second guessing and wondering what to do. I've done 2 years of $hit that hasn't worked and it's driving me insane. I've tried getting a life (which usually ends up with me kinda of shutting H out) and that doesn't work for us. It pushes him further away.
I felt good about this decision bc I felt like I was giving the R a chance. Since he admitted the fair in April, he has asked a handful of times to come home. Was is genuine? IDK, but I really wasn't ready for him to come home and I also wasn't ready to file. It's been almost 6 months and now I feel like I want to at least make the offer so that if he declines I can walk into a lawyer's office knowing that I did everything I could to give him a chance. I won't walk in there with regrets and thinking, "OMgosh if only I would have given him a chance to come back bc he said he wanted to, etc..."
I felt like this was the step I needed to take to get out of the valley. I keep going back to that bc that's what was speaking to my heart at church.
He doesn't have to have a week, he can have 5 minutes. I don't care. I just want to open up the opportunity. He has said he wants to try although he doesn't know if it will work (and neither do I). But I haven't been willing to try. We both say stuff but nothing ever seems to come out of it.
I get it, PMA. I'm tired of being used and manipulated myself.
VH, maybe it is just wishful thinking. But yes...up to this point, I think he's given the impression that he's living with her bc he doesn't have another choice. IDK...after what I've said and how I've treated him, he might not think I want him back. He's reminded me that I said I was done and I'm not willing to help him like I used to. But then again, there's a part of me that thinks he probably does know he could come home bc he knows how bad I want to keep our family together.
Ugh. I've gotta get dinner going for DD.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
