Love is Unconditional

[missmyfriend]

I guess I would be considered an old timer around here. I have read "Divorce Remedy" and I agree with Michele. My situation is basically the same as anyone else with a spouse that has gone through a MLC with just the details being different. I have to admit that the phases of MLC that I have seen here and elsewhere are pretty accurate, with the timeline depending upon what caused the MLC and how our spouse's are dealing with it.

My topic "Love is Unconditional" is a huge one and not something I would put on anyone else. I am focusing on myself and, in my heart, I still love my wife regardless of our marital status. I have gone through some serious depression for what seems like decades even though it has been almost four years.

Four years...

Wow, that seems like a long time. It is but it isn't. I was legally married for 18 years (this would have been our 20th) and we were together for 16 years. 16 years sounds like a long time but believe me, it isn't. The time flew. Absolutely flew.

So is four years a long time? It depends on the person and the emotions. In some ways I have really good memories over the past four years, even after she left. I have been blessed with my children, blessed to have my job still, blessed with the friends I have (with one very close friend passing away two years ago), and, even blessed that I still have "her" in my life.

I have known some very wonderful women who have wanted to be in a relationship with me but I have no regrets that I didn't pursue a relationship. I know many people think I am foolish standing for a marriage that my wife wanted out of so badly that she said hurtful things. Did it hurt to hear her say the things she said to me, committed hurtful acts to me and our children, carried on so differently than her personality prior to her deciding she was done with "us"? Yes, it did but it wasn't like I hadn't read what she could do or say in Michele's books or other sites that believe in standing for your marriage. In fact, I used to think my situation was so unusual and no one has had to go through what I have endured.

As time has passed, I know that my situation is typical. The details may be slightly different but it is amazing how much of what has happened and what she has said is almost out of a script. Even for those that waited to see their marriage restored apparently experienced much, if not all, of the things I have gone through. Only the names and minor details have changed.

So, will my marriage be restored? It isn't up to me. It really isn't up to her. While I know we have free will, I know that we can either choose to listen or ignore what we are told.

When I was a child, I could "choose" to listen to my parents, when they instructed me to either clean my room or be punished. I could have exerted my free will, not cleaned the room and experienced the end results whether it be corporal punishment or grounding or having something taken away that was important to me. I could also choose to exercise my free will and clean my room to avoid the results of disobeying my parents.

Over the past several years, I have tried to use my free will to do what is right and not what is easy or temporarily pleasurable. At times, I wondered if I made the right choice but inside, I knew that I did. So I still have free will but my Father has guided me to continue loving her but placing Him first in all areas of my life. I thought I had been putting Him first nearly this whole time but I began to realize I hadn't. I was sad most of the time because of "losing" her. I know I appeared sad around my kids and friends because I was. I allowed myself to be reminded of what I had lost and the fear of never having her again in my life.

With that realization, I am starting to understand that I was not putting Him first. I was still making the same spiritual mistake I have made my entire life and that was putting others first, then Him. I was still putting my wife first before God. No wonder I never felt happy.

Am I happy now? I am getting there. I have to say that I do trust Him (with the occasional slip ups) with everything in my life whether it be my marriage, my children, friends, finances (and my job), etc. And as I lean on Him first, I feel much more free and depression episodes are much less frequent.

I could not understand what people meant when they said to put God first, before anything else. I mean, I understood it in my head but apparently I didn't understand it in my heart.

It was Paul who wrote that God will take care of everything for you and that we need to be content with everything in our lives, even when we were lacking money, food or other things.

We all want to believe that we can love someone unconditionally but without Him it is impossible. As He is becoming first in my life, I feel much more compassion for my wife, the "other person", and others that appear to be my enemy.

Do we love our spouses unconditionally? It is more of a heart question.

[sleeper]

I'm going through a bit of introspection and re-evaluation of what I'm doing, my goals, etc. and I'd like to ask a couple of question if you don't mind.

1. You mention you trust him with your marriage. Do you still have a marriage?

2. If your X re-marries would you still have a marriage?
a) Would you continue standing?

Thank you for your response.

[missmyfriend]

Excellent questions, sleeper. Before I respond, I want to say that it is important to me to follow what the bible teaches and not "use" the bible for my own ends.

I know that many in history have used God to attempt to justify some pretty heinous acts but delving into the word, bending to His will, and not just cherry picking what supports personal objectives, is more important to me than my marriage. Scripture warns against selfish motives.

For anyone that reads this, I don't want anyone to think I am pushing my beliefs on them or to tell anyone what they should do with their marriage. I am focusing on what I believe God is directing me. I will encourage anyone, if they are believers, to be cautious in following what any man or woman would tell them, if it isn't supported scripturally. I have sometimes listened to others when I shouldn't have. What they said sounded pleasing to my ears but it wasn't following what He has written in His book.

Back to your questions, sleeper.

1. Do I still have a marriage? Not according to man's law. We are divorced according to the state that I live in. Further, I did not try to hold on to her. She wanted to be free and I love her enough to let her go.

As far as God is concerned, I believe we are still married. During our marriage, we became Christians, being fully aware of what it meant by John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." & from Jesus' own declaration in John 14:6, "...I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

We have a covenant marriage, both of us vowing before God to be married until death do us part. In Mark 10:7-8, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one." In verse 9 of the same book and chapter, Jesus said "Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." It may as well have said that no one can separate these two, including those in this union, unless God Himself makes it so.

Are we still married? I know that legally we aren't but spiritually, I believe we are. I know that I could move on (date and even remarry) without worry since she sought out the divorce and according to scripture, I could remarry without violating God's commands.

Something I believe few Christians who have divorced are aware, divorce wasn't encouraged and wasn't even allowed until Moses time. In Matthew 19:8, Jesus told the Pharisees, "He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so". I am not judging anyone who has sought a divorce. I am providing scripture that God does truly hate divorce. I am concerned that people are hurting their relationship with God since they may not fully comprehend that He is not condoning divorce when He provides allowances for divorce. If Jesus said that God allows it because of hardened hearts or another way to say it is that we are stubborn. He is saying further that we cannot remarry unless we divorced our spouse because they were in an adulterous relationship otherwise the new marriage would then be an adulterous relationship.

2. Would we still be "married" if my wife remarried? Legally, that is man's laws, definitely not. Spiritually, that is a good question.

If Jesus said that once married, let no man (or person) separate, then I guess we are married until once of us dies. God does not recognize or bless all marriages. If she remarries, then, according to scripture, it would be an adulterous relationship, so it would appear to be a legal marriage but not a Christian marriage recognized by God.

2a) Would I continue to stand for our marriage even if she remarried?

I really don't know.

[missmyfriend]

Sleeper, one more thing. I strongly support anyone to assess and review what they are doing and why. Whether someone is a bible believing individual or not, I believe logically evaluating one's self is critically important so we aren't tossed "to and fro" one the emotional tempests of life.

Let me know what happens.

[missmyfriend]

...I know that I could move on (date and even remarry) without worry since she sought out the divorce and according to scripture, I could remarry without violating God's commands.

I have to correct this statement I made. To be very honest, I haven't given it much concern since I am still standing for my marriage but the questions have me looking closely at perceived notions that I have had for a long time, specifically that it is okay for the spouse who did not seek the divorce to be free to remarry. Most churches, I believe agree with that statement but I have been reviewing a lot of scripture this evening and I am seeing it repeated time and time again, that it could be considered adultery for either party if they seem to remarry, regardless of an "at fault" perceived allowance.

And he said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." (Mark 10:11-12)

Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery. (Luke 16:18)

I am going to look further into this and see what scripture says but if God says that I cannot remarry, then I won't remarry.

[TulsaTime]

MMF,

I agree with you. Check out the spirit of Hosea website. With the internet, the numbers of standers are growing.

[missmyfriend]

TulsaTime, thank you. I'm not familiar with the website. I'll check it out today.

[TulsaTime]

Let me know what you think.

[missmyfriend]

Tulsa, I like the site. The audio sermons are excellent and scripturally sound as far as I can tell. Thank you.

[sleeper]

Here's a mind quizzler for you.

My X was married years ago at a vey young age for a relatively short time (no children). She divorced her first husband. He was not in an adulterous relationship but may have been having an emotional affair. There was evidence that he cheated on her at some point. He wanted to save their M but she was done and pushed the divorce. No physical or substance abuse.

Question:

In light of the above was our marriage adulterous and not recognized by God?