I am going to be sure not to look for reactions - that has interferred with my progress before. I have made it my MISSION not to.
I have put hope on the backburner, I feel that has made impacts to my progress as well. She said she was "done". Not a lot of hope to find in that word.
She may notice the change, she may not. Like the way things are now, its her decision. One thing I do hope though...is that she knows I am doing this (going dark, DBing) because I love her and our children..so very much.
WOW - the detaching really seems to be happening. Something is clicking, that is for sure.
Looked over at my work phone and saw the date. It looked familiar. Sept 7th. A month ago, I was dreading today, thought I would break down, fall apart etc. Today would have been our 8 year Anniversary.
I have been so caught up in ME, and GAL etc. I didn;t even think about it until now. And I am OK! I did, however, ponder for a few minutes...did it go the same way today for her as well? Just a quick thought that drifted on by?
Anyways...better just keep myself mindful of this and move forward today - before I do land up slipping...LOL
Had a rough night last night. I did my best to keep myself busy, I cooked a stew and cleaned my house like a mad man.
I am feeling so much anger towards her lately, like I have been bottling it up over the past 9 months. Usually when I would feel some anger, I would stop myself - would keep trying to remind myself that the sitch is mainly my fault, I love her, I don't want to be mad at her.
But now, I do not hold back - I feel disgust when I think of her, I avoid seeing her etc. I sure hope this is just part of detaching, a stage that will end soon. It is not a nice feeling.
I am feeling so much anger towards her lately, like I have been bottling it up over the past 9 months. Usually when I would feel some anger, I would stop myself - would keep trying to remind myself that the sitch is mainly my fault, I love her, I don't want to be mad at her.
Change this thinking. I too thought the same way early on. It takes time but you are not 100% to blame.
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But now, I do not hold back - I feel disgust when I think of her, I avoid seeing her etc. I sure hope this is just part of detaching, a stage that will end soon. It is not a nice feeling.
You will have many more ups and downs my friend. Good days and bad days. The key is to group a few good days in a row. Your self esteem right now is low. If YOU don't feel good about yourself, how will someone else feel good around you?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Anger is a natural feeling in all of our situations. Channel the energy it gives you into something productive. Easier said than done, I know.
None of us here are completely to blame, or blameless. And to be honest, focusing on the past is pointless. You're here. Pick a direction on your personal compass and GO.
The only time I think it's worth focusing on the past is in counseling, particularly MC. I think it's essential for us to both hear our spouses, as well as say what we feel; this often means dealing with stuff from the past.
But reacting to your anger by blaming yourself is simply suppressing your anger over your sitch. It'll resurface eventually, so deal with it now.
I have actually gotten an email and text from her, about the kids of course. But the strange thing was, it was stuff she didn't really need to say (obvious details about things). It was almost like she wanted to communicate with me.
This is your power. Don't underestimate the effect it will have on her if she can't get her "fix" of you when she wants. These WAW's outwardly show resolve about their decision, but inside, they are scared and anxious about what they're doing. They need to "check in" with you every now and then to get that anxiety reduced. The less available to her you are, the more you show her you're moving on, and now have other things in your life, the more that anxiety will grow and grow.
Unfortunately, you are similarly suffering from fear and anxiety over losing her, and you'll be very tempted to use these little contacts to lower YOUR anxiety. You have to be the stronger one. You need to get her doubting herself, doubting her decision. As long as she knows you're there as her fallback plan, she'll stay on her current path.
Don't worry that you'll be pushing her away by rebuffing her attempts at communicating with you, as long as you do it in a harmless "too busy to talk right now" kind of a way. It will make her think MORE about you, and increase her doubt. As time goes by, and she can't get her fix and reduce that anxiety, it will get harder and harder for her to consider her chosen path to be the best one. This is your power. Use it.
If I carried any weight around here, I would give you !!
Seriously, this is all true. You have to be the strong one. Use it to your advantage. She will need to contact you. Let her keep trying and be too busy to get back to her immediately.
These WAW's outwardly show resolve about their decision, but inside, they are scared and anxious about what they're doing. They need to "check in" with you every now and then to get that anxiety reduced.
100% true.
What kind of stew did you make? I'm getting hungry thinking about it...
These WAW's outwardly show resolve about their decision, but inside, they are scared and anxious about what they're doing. They need to "check in" with you every now and then to get that anxiety reduced.
100% true.
This is so true.
In my case both myself and WAW have a child each from a previous M.
I earn twice her salary. My S's mother is very cooperative and i never have any childcare issues. I work from home. I am concerned about the financial impact of the separation and the possibility that it may be difficult to find a new home close to my S's school. My future etc etc. On paper I shouldn't have anything to worry about but it is normal to worry in times like these.
She will have difficulty maintaining a home and the new car she just bought. Her S's father does not cooperate and will not help her with childcare. She works shifts and is reduced to asking neighbors to mind her son ( that will get more difficult as time goes by ). She has never really taken care of herself but is outwardly 100% confident she can manage. she doesn't seem to have a worry in the world.
I am well capable of taking care of myself but am a bit scared and anxious till I get settled in a new home. I can only imagine how she feels given what she has to deal with.
She has already made one major financial blunder and has not been planning very well but it's not my job anymore to bail her out or inform her.
I have been full steam ahead. I love the advice, but I have decided that the GAL and letting go of the rope is what has to work for me now.
Maybe she does take those moments to get her "fix" of me, but then again...maybe she doesn't. Right now, I choose not to even think about it. It is distracting. I spent 9 months doing all the wrong things. If and when she is ever ready, I will listen. Like the advice I was given, I am enjoying my picnic. I am working towards what I feel is best for myself and my sons.
I am ready to get the Separation Agreement in writing, and legal (should be done this week). I have told her that is what I want, and she is on board with it. I have told her what I want, more time with my sons...50/50...and to make some alterations to the "verbal" agreement we had etc. Especially finances, I have been living in hell for 9 months...in many aspects. The financial part has been draining. I want to be free. I made the verbal agreement while playing the role of "nice guy". I had guilt, hurt, pain, fear etc Had a lot of hope, that things would be OK. I can't do it anymore, I can't live this way and have an independant and healthy household for my sons - when I am poor, misrable, miss their mom etc.
Heres hoping for a bright future...wish me luck.
Thanks everyone! I will always check back in from time to time.
Gr8, you really are Gr8..thanks man! If you're ever up to Canada and want to wet a line...let me know..lol
