GAL not so easy at times.

[Keeter]

Tomorrow will mark the second week I have started detaching myself from my W. I have done well with respect of going dark, no texts, emails, nothing. I have found some days easier than others, as long as I keep myself busy and have fun with my children...all goes well. But it can get so tough sometimes, trying to discipline my thoughts - to let go. The life I had with her was what I have always wanted. Our family means so much in my life. When I go home to an empty house, or look at the empty carseats in my truck...it really gets to me. My heart aches.

I have a great time with our kids, but its hard not to ponder on how much more I would enjoy our entire family unit being together.

My kids ask me questions I have a difficult time answering sometimes - recently they have asked when I am going to come and live with them and Mommy. When we will do things together. I can only tell them that I do not know, i tell them that I want to..but it is beyond my control. Decisions have been made. Its cute, but at the same time heart crusghing when they try to help me out...and come up with alternatives or solutions...to have us all under the same roof.

I try my best not to put the blame on their mother, but in the beginning I spent so much time explaining to them that it was my fault. That I was sorry, that I regret hurting mommies feelings too many times, that I was angry and grumpy, that I am going to be a better man now...but that doesn't mean it will change things regarding our family. I am glad they have recognized changes in me, we now have a father and son bond like never before.

This was her decision in the end, and I believe the kids need to be aware of that to some extent...but its too early in their lives to have that explained in detail.

Aside from my little pity party.. that I have apparently invited myslef to today. I have started a blog in which I will take one picture everyday for 365. It will help with my self discipline - and perhaps bring out some new found talent in me. I have an interview at the Seniors Home tonight, hopefully I can get volunteeering there soon. My first meditation class is next Monday - looking forward to see if someone can teach me to empty my head out!

[pinhead]

Hang in there Keeter; try to stay as busy as you can. Make a list of small projects that you can accomplish in a few hours. Then start whacking them down.

[A_goodman]

Keeter,

You totally named this thread all wrong!

Those are GREAT ideas. Helping others at the senior center (or anywhere for that matter) will do wonders for your soul.

Taking a picture a day is an awesome idea. I know you meant a picture of something, but I'm inspired by it. I am going to take a picture of myself every day for a year. I want to see the changes in my face and body that I'm too clse to to perceive. Should be a fascinating experiment.

You have to be confident. I can see it, the others will see it. You are making a very strong start on your GAL.

Maybe it's time to start a "GAL ideas" tread. If someone else hasn't done it by late this evening, I'm going to and your two ideas are going to be the start.

Gotta run and pick up the boys.

Good job.

[Maxfly]

Keeter - this past Monday I went to a divorce/separation group session. It was located at a nearby church. I was very hestitant to go, but I dragged myself into it. At first I felt really uncomfortable, telling myself what the hell am I doing here. But as the group began, and I started hearing about other peoples stories and what they went through, it started to help me greatly. When it came my turn to share, that was also very good as well. I enjoyed this group session a lot more than IC. Got to meet some nice people also who could relate to my problem. I walked out of there feeling really good about myself and that life can go on - take it one day at a tme.

So, if you need to get out... I would recommend something like this in your local community. Just an idea

[Keeter]

Thank you all, for the positive words and suggestions.

Approaching 3 weeks of going dark (this Friday). I had an awesome weekend with my sons, as usual it was tough to let them go. I don't think that will ever change - but I will be mindful of it and learn to accept.

I haven't seen the W in 2 weeks, I think. It sure helps with the "out of sight out of mind concept". Sure, I love her and miss her dearly - but I am adapting to making my days more productive...for me.

I have actually gotten an email and text from her, about the kids of course. But the strange thing was, it was stuff she didn't really need to say (obvious details about things). It was almost like she wanted to communicate with me. I kept my replies brief and on topic. I found myself starting to analyze, and 180'd right away.

I had my interview at the Senior's Home and all went well, I can start at anytime. When I walked out, I felt "light"...I felt good. I think that was the "wonders for the soul" at work.

I also had my first Meditation class last night. It was not at all what I thought it was about..it was the opposite...it was better. I was fortunate to have the entire session with my instructor..one on one. I learned a lot about Meditation and had a good chat with him. He has experienced a D as well - so it is nice to have another person who understands what I am going through...it helps me feel that I am being guided at a comfort level I am happy with. I will be continuing the classes weekly.

I think I am fortunate right now, that there has been no talk about the R or the D papers etc. It is allowing me to focus on GAL. I hope it stays this way for a little longer.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

God work Keeter.

the meditation will help out. I was doing yoga for awhile and it helped tremendously.

remember, all these changes are for you and your W may be confused b/c it's not the typical Keeter.

Don't tell W what you have been doing let her notice your changes.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

A_goodman,
I noticed your tagline.

Wasn't it Improvise, adapt and overcome???
That was our motto for our high school b-ball team.

[Keeter]

Thanks GR8.

These changes are certainly for me, although, I will admit that when it all first happened I was focusing on making changes for her.

I don't think I would have the good feeling I do right now, if it wasn't about me.

I am not even thinking about her noticing any changes, I don't care? Also, she doesn't see me and we don't really talk much - so the opportunity isn't really there anyhow. No point in worrying about there noticing anything. Besides, I know where her focus is now - and it is not me. I just keep that little thought in the back of my mind - if she wants to, if shes ready - she will. Pretty much going back to the Picnic analogy you had sent me.

This coming long weekend is the first I have had without the boys, since the arrangment. It will feel a little awkward and I will miss them. But she needs her time with them as well. I have decided to take a little fishing trip with my lil brother and some friends - some down time. It maybe only 30 mins from here, but there is no cell service..no wi-fi...no power. I will take full advantage of it.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Sounds good Keeter, just making sure you're still on track.
Remember your boys are a phone call away.

Enjoy fishing, I plan to do a little fishing this weekend too.
Five day weekend for me and the kids!.......AWESOME.

[CPCajun]

I have actually gotten an email and text from her, about the kids of course. But the strange thing was, it was stuff she didn't really need to say (obvious details about things). It was almost like she wanted to communicate with me. I kept my replies brief and on topic. I found myself starting to analyze, and 180'd right away.

That's how it started with my W.

Keep up with the GAL and 180s. W noticed the littlest changes and would start texting more and more...usually the small chat.Then it would progress the face to face. The only thing I didn't like about the talks were W talking about the past. But it was a good thing, as I could validate her feelings. It got her to open up more.

Keep it up!!!