Is it OK to send him an email and tell him I want to make sure he is choosing the right therapist? He is going to see someone who does brief therapy and I think our issues are way too big for that.
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
Ok..help! Now he's texting me to let me know he has a doctor appointment tomorrow morning for physical therapy. See the confusion I have? Do I reply? What do I do until my book arrives tomorrow?
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
I have done EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING wrong so I am going to give you insight on this situation so you do not end up on the road I was headed on...I would not send him an email to make sure he is choosing the right therpist because he is an adult, let him decide for himself. If he texts you respond...but make it short and business like. You really need to detach, I have been down your path so I get it. I read that you begged him to stay, I did this too, but now, I dont care, he can choose to stay but I will NEVER beg him to stay again, why in the heck should you beg someone to stay with you. Let him go! Work on yourself!!!! Concentrate on what you want in your life. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I have been through the ringer and I finally decided that I dont care anymore, if he goes..he goes...but he just lost out on the best thing that ever happened to him if he does:)
You don't sound harsh. I appreciate your feedback no matter how hard for it is for me to accept it. Have you decided to get divorced or is he still trying to decide if he wants to stay? Do you have kids?
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
I think you need some guidelines while you wait for DR, this is what was given to me:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Great advice..i needed that badly. Thank you so much. I've decided to sleep in another room. I go to bed after they do and wake before they get up so we can hide it from the kids. We were both waiting to see our therapists (seperately) on Monday to break the news, but I think tongiht might be a good night. Any feedback?
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
The bit about not "spying" on your spouse is way off base. That is absurd because you need good intel in order to proceed. Of course you should try to find out what's going on, just don't get caught.
And yes, it will hurt. So? You're hurting right now anyway and sticking your head in the sand is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Puppy is the master at this, so try to find his posts about surveillance and other techniques.
@ris.....I have been seperated from my husband for 6 months and I have done all of these things. Is it too late for me to make a turn around and win my husband back? We still talk and are interacting with each other well. He is involved with a OW but we spend one day together every week.
Me (32) H (36) Together (12 years) Married (3 years) Children (4 ages 11,9,7,6) Bomb dropped (November 09) Seperated (January 29, 2010)
92 if you havent left the bed yet DONT, its your marital bed your not the one possibly having an A so why should you move out! If you H finds its uncomfortable then he can move rooms. I know this all sound very hard and unnerving at the beginning when everything is very raw and painful, but actually the list above is imperative and even though its so counterintuative it works. I know its not easy to see who are VETs on here and who are newbies, but spend some time reading posts so you can work out whose who! Lots of good advice on here which you will pick up as you read along (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
