Hello all - I've been lurking for the past week and want to get the board's advice on my situation. I think it's a bit unique. W and I have been together for 7 Yrs and M for 1.5 yrs. The first 4 years were great (rarely any arguments, which I now know is not good either). After we got engaged, we started to argue more. I didn't know at the time, but the cause of the arguments were primarily my control issues (which the therapist helped identify as caused by my fear issues growing up).
Fast forward to February-April this year. We're spiraling down and arguing more often, to the point where I finally suggested marriage counseling. W agreed and we started sessions in May. Our first therapist was horrible and basically sat in his chair each session and listened to us argue more. W and I each dug in deeper, became even more defensive, and every conversation between us at home, on phone, etc. ended in a boiling / heated argument. Finally, W and I pretty stop talking to each other just to avoid the nuclear assaults. We wasted 8 weeks with this therapist before I got smart and insisted that we switch therapists.
W agreed to a new therapist by now I can tell she was emotionally checked out. We attend 4 more sessions with a much better therapist, but W was still despondent when we were not arguing.
Finally, I had a personal breakthrough when last week, after some deep soul searching, I realized that the root cause of our problems was my control issues.
W hints that she is done with therapy but I ask for one more session this week. Then last Sunday, I told her about my self realization, admitted my mistakes, and how I was going to work on changing myself. She was surprised that I finally "got it" and also admitted that she was part to blame. However, she said that it was too late and that she signed a new lease at an apt and is moving out in 3 weeks. She also wanted a marriage annullment. Needless to say, I was shocked.
Between yesterday and today, I try some LRT it helped a little. W and I had a friendly conversation last night, even shared some laughter, but she also went out and bought some moving boxes and started planning out her move. Then today, in our therapy session, I gave my admission of mistakes & took the blame. W said that that was thoroughly impressed, that what I said was what she had been waiting to hear for the longest time. She was impressed that I finally reached this self realization but that it was too late and too much damage had been done. She said she needs to regain her own self identity, that we are done, and that she is still moving out in 2 weeks because the pain is too much to recover from.
So, I've got 2 weeks to somehow turn this around. I feel there's a bit of momentum & progress from just a week ago (before my self realization), but W is still doing things to move out and carry out the marriage annullment.
I would love any advice from the forum on how to proceed. I think there's a chance to save this but I'm not sure what exactly to do over the next few days. There are moving boxes everywhere inside our house
Ummm ... get a lawyer, you can't usually get a legal anulment after so long. A divorce, yes. In some states, you'd have been married if you lived together 7 years.
And then back off... Mr. Control issues.
Quote:
So, I've got 2 weeks to somehow turn this around.
Not going to happen. Just agree with her and let her go if she wants to go.
You can't control her decissions, you can't control how she feels, you can't control what she does. The only person you can control is you.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/25/1001:16 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
But I feel that there was a real cognitive breakthrough with W in our therapy session today. Her eyes finally zoned in and she sat straight up to listen when I was talking about my self-realization. She hadn't done that before. Afterwards, she said that she was impressed and happy that I finally figured it out.
I'm realistic and know she's not going to jump back into a R with me. I'm just trying to figure out how to a) increase the odds of her changing her mind on move out, or b) not doing an annulment right away and try for a separation period. This way, I can have some time to demonstrate the "new" me and then let her decide whether she wants to try a new R with me.
See if she will go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you. they will teach both of you good communication skills. Then you can work out your problems yourselves. Sounds like you have to do that anyway. The website for more info is www.helpourmarriage.org. There are lots of weekends coming up soon.
I don't know how long an annullment takes, but you have to let her move out. Do not try to stop her. The separation may actually help. It will give her time to think about what she really wants. As long as you continue to pursue her, all she will think about is how to get away from you. She needs to be able to think about other things.
What happens to your stuff in an annullment? you have to split things somehow. Just go conu=sult with a lawyer right now, but maybe you don't have to retain one yet.
Don't help her with any separation, annullment or divorce paperwork or planning. Let her do it all. Just step back,give her space and play it cool You are fine withher leaving and you will be fine without her. That is what she needs to think. let her see the changes you are making, but don't tell her about them. Wait for her to come back to you. It is very likely that will happen and probably sooner than you think. Don't mess this up like I did in the beginning.
You can do this. Hang in there and keep us posted as to what is happening. Good Luck/.
Thanks DanF. I'm not sure how an annulment works, but my W's sister is an attorney so I think they looked into it before telling me.
I understand your idea behind letting her move out. I'm just worried that the annullment will happen quickly (maybe on the day she moves out?) so that's why I feel like I have to do something quick within 2 weeks.
Agree w/DanF- you let her go. Do not try to show her any more changes right now or persuade her to not move out. If she says "it's too late" you can say "I realize that now and I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. You should go, that is the best thing." Then drop it and work on you for you- not to get her back, but so you can figure out how to stop being controlling to the point that it has affected major relationships so this doesn't happen again- with her, should she decide down the road to change her mind- or with anyone else.
(((hugs)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Btw, tonight was another relatively pleasant night. She heated up some leftovers, and we chatted (light topics) while eating at the table. The exchanges were very pleasant.
However, as soon as we finished dinner, she went back to packing up more of her stuff
So.... Why were you available to have dinner with her in the house? You should be out GALing, making plans you don't tell her about and not just sitting around being available when she decides she wants to spend time with you. Don't mean to sound harsh, but that is what you want to strive for--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I don't know how long an annullment takes, but you have to let her move out. Do not try to stop her. The separation may actually help. It will give her time to think about what she really wants. As long as you continue to pursue her, all she will think about is how to get away from you. She needs to be able to think about other things.
What happens to your stuff in an annullment? you have to split things somehow. Just go conu=sult with a lawyer right now, but maybe you don't have to retain one yet.
Don't help her with any separation, annullment or divorce paperwork or planning. Let her do it all. Just step back,give her space and play it cool You are fine withher leaving and you will be fine without her. That is what she needs to think. let her see the changes you are making, but don't tell her about them. Wait for her to come back to you. It is very likely that will happen and probably sooner than you think. Don't mess this up like I did in the beginning.
You can do this. Hang in there and keep us posted as to what is happening. Good Luck/.
You are getting some VERY good advice. And yes, I know it sounds counter-intuititive ... it is. And it is your best shot. Remember ... there are no guarentees. So, stack the odds in your favor, take the good advice and read the resources.
FWIW, it's not even about letting her move out, she is an adult and can choose that if she wants to. And right now, not only does she WANT to, she probably NEEDS to. Get out of her way. Your actions, the smallest consistent actions, are what are what matters. And honestly man, you are still trying to control the situation. Let it go.
Start really examining your control issues, not just the why, but the HOW. Right now you can't even see that you are still trying to control her, her decisions and the entire situation. But she can. I promise you that.
Keep reading the resources, and really think about the advice you are getting here.
Good luck! PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
