Need some encouragement

[kissak]

Thanks...I find I can only vent here

I am patient. Really I am. I did think about expectations and that probably was my problem. I expect him to be nice, supportive, loving, etc with me and the kids....Ugh

But I do not like him very much right now and its hard to be nice and act "as if".

[SecondChance]

Hi Kissak,

I don`t usually post on your thread but I have read it lately because it`s sort of like my sitch.... I`ve really been hoping for you that things will work out

I think it`s tougher then a `normal` relationship because normally people WILL argue, and they WILL upset each other, but they will NOT run away. Our WH`s have shown that they don`t deal with the things that come up in a relationship and they ran away before, and so we struggle with whether or not they will run again. And partly we care so much because there are kids involved, and they are getting hurt by all this too.

I don`t know what the answer is, I really don`t! Maybe there is just something wrong with them. That`s what my Dad says (but ya know, he`s my Daddy so, he would say that anyways!).

Last week WH got mad at me for some small slight. Didn`t talk to me for a week. Easier in a way for me because he is NOT home. I kept imagining though, what if he was back home and did that. I would have to walk on eggshells for a whole week until either he came around or I did something else that ticked him off.

I don`t understand the ANGER. It`s too strong, and inappropriately placed, and comes up over and over again. Like with your H now. It is a big problem.

Hang in there girl, I am wishing and hoping your H see`s this as some silly bump in the road and things go back to reconciling with you guys.

- SCh

[kissak]

Thank you so much for your post SCh,

It is tougher. I do find that he is loses his temper quicker now, but he does get over it quick. Thats what makes it a bit easier for me NOT to walk on eggshells like before. These are different eggshells. Not sure how to explain it. I know all to well the feeling before of walking on them eggshells when he came back multiple times before. I guess maybe before it was a "lets see if it will work" reconcilation, now its a "lets make it work" reconcilation.

I dont like the anger I see in him. I see it all too often in my 3 younger sister's relationships. I believe they are all 3 in danger with their so called men...thats why I dont like the anger part. BUT it is something that didnt happen before he first left. He NEVER got mad. THerapist said he held it all in. NOW he doesnt. Guess its just part of the process. He hasnt been to therapy in a few weeks, but will go on MONDAY. I will be glad about that. He needs to talk to his therapist about the last few weeks.

I will have to read up on your thread SCh. Thanks for the good wishes

[kissak]

I don`t know what the answer is, I really don`t! Maybe there is just something wrong with them. That`s what my Dad says (but ya know, he`s my Daddy so, he would say that anyways!).

Had to laugh at this quote! My daddy says the same thing! Of course, me and my sister's all say that we have such a hard time finding a great man, because we will never find one like our daddy My mom got lucky

[LanceSijan]

I think it`s tougher then a `normal` relationship because normally people WILL argue, and they WILL upset each other, but they will NOT run away. Our WH`s have shown that they don`t deal with the things that come up in a relationship and they ran away before, and so we struggle with whether or not they will run again.

You know second chance makes a good point that I have been thinking about lately. In the first three stages of MLC the WS is running away.
In the last three stage they should not be running away. You are rebuilding your marriage.
So some of your "expectations" may be in error, because of the stages. However until they break withdrawal they have not committed to the marriage and maybe they will decide not to remain in it. So again that can color your expectations.

I think these might be reasons that we are told to have NO EXPECTATIONS.

I think in the rebuilding stages fights are invevitable and are necessary in ordr to rebuid the marriage properly.
No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect.
Hence the world is not a perfect place and we might fight with our spouses.
The question is did they run away or stay when all got said and done?

[kissak]

You know its funny....before the bomb, I was the one who ran away from arguments, I was the one who locked the bathroom door, it was me that would get so mad at him and not say why.

NOW, well its him. He is all that I was before and I am different. I know longer even close the door when in the bathroom, or run away from arguments, and I want to talk to him when we have a fight!

Why is that I wonder???

[kissak]

Not feeling to happy today....or last night.

H just seems to be insensitive, or just mean. I wonder if he was always this way and I just never realized it or is this just another thing he is going through.

I mean, he is just been in a mood, but says he isnt. Says all is fine. Well, I feel like he is just insensitive to my feelings.

I told him last night about a scratch on my new car...he was standing beside it, didnt look or even say anything. I told him he could at least act like he cared about something that was important to me...he said it was my vehicle not his!

UGH! He is just in his own little world. NOT hearing me or listening to my feelings at all! I feel so frustrated lately! I do not like this person he is right now. Its not just the scratch on my vehicle, its other things.

Its hard to keep my mouth shut and not say a thing sometimes. But I would rather not start an argument and telling him how I feel surely would with his current state of mind.

Just venting.

[fisherman]

I've been following along as of late, and wanted you to know that I really feel for you, and I'm pulling for you.

You have the patience of a saint.

Having never been in piecing I can only imagine what it must be like to walk that tight rope made of dental floss.

I'm not at all encouraging you to become impatient or pushy at this point in time. It's just that to really piece things back together, it's going to take the both of you. I'm not so sure that he is there yet.

In piecing, the occasional R talk should be alright IMO, in fact essential. You can't fear them. Nor can you fear expressing your feelings, concerns and boundaries.

I'm not saying that this is to be done daily, weekly or even monthly but IMO it HAS to take place in order to piece.

Again, I am in no way telling you that this is the right time to start with that, I think you're doing alright by being patient, it doesn't sound like he is completely ready and no one or no thing can speed him along.

Hang in there, keep digging deep and keep coming here to vent.

[kissak]

Thanks Trapt...I agree with you. I do think R talks are important in Piecing. But like you said, now isnt the time. I do know enough about my H that when he is ready to talk, he will. I find whenever I push talking, it ends with me saying "im sorry".

So, when he is ready, he knows Im here for him to talk to. I have let him know that. I just know he is working through things lately. He did talk to his therapist on Monday...he said it went good. Thats all he will ever say. I dont push.

Thank you for pulling for me. Patience is something thats seems to be my strength! Thank goodness for that!

[Cyrena]

Hi Kissak,

Sorry you're feeling so ... alone. That's what I hated about Piecing: sometimes things seemed to flow so much better between us, and then H would go into another period of navel-gazing and it would feel as though he'd gone back to his you-don't-matter Replay behaviour. Really, these were necessary periods, because during them he finally assessed his whole behaviour during the EA, figured out what a good relationship looked like, etc.

But for myself, I found the best way of handling them was to remind myself that I'd learned I could be fine on my own, so if he never became an equal partner again, I could leave the M feeling proud of how hard I'd tried to make it work, and proud of the dignity I'd shown and changes I'd made. Then, I devoted myself to whatever needed doing ... and he'd come looking for me when he was ready.

I don't know whether your H has reached the point where he truly is working on himself, but since he is going to a C, likely he is making progress. With luck, he'll reach a point where his internal growth can be manifested in his words and actions. It does take LONGER for the selfishness of the MLCer to wear off than you would ever believe possible, even after they do come back, so I hope he is still moving along in his healing.

Hugs for you, Kissak. I remember parts of Piecing as being so hard that I wondered whether I was going to sink into my own depression. You've discovered your own strength in this whole process, however, so I know you're going to be fine.