I appreciate the help during this tough journey. The question is on the average how long will it take or my wife to come around? Is it better we stay in the house or should we separate. What should I do other than take care of myself and put distance between us? Bobby O
First, let me apologize for giving you the wrong instructions on how to start a new thread. Good thing Lance was there to straighten it out.
Next, let me welcome you to the MLC board! It's the best place no one wants to find themselves.
There are a lot of very knowledgeable people here that will try and answer your questions.
Do not leave your home or the master bedroom. If your wife does that's her choice.
Although no one can tell you exactly how long this is going to take a rough estimate is anywhere from 2 to 5 years. It's a long journey but the most important thing you have to remember is that you are not to blame for your W's MLC. You did not break her and you cannot fix her. You can however take a look in the mirror and work on those things that you don't like about yourself. Do it for you, not with the intention of getting your W back.
Strap in and hang on tight. There's lots more to learn about this rollercoaster ride!
Keep asking questions, and if you could give us some background details such as how long you've been married, how many children, yours and W's ages, bomb drop date, it will help us be able to help you more effectively.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I just had a discussion with my wife that she initiated. She told me she is planning on moving out of the house little by little and that she wanted to know if I would give her 2000.00 dollars a month to live for the next 2 years.I told her that if she was going to leave that it was her choice to do so. I told her I would not commit to a dollar amount unless advised by my lawyer. I did tell her that I would ask for joint physical and legal custody of my daughter who is 15 years old. She said our daughter only wants to live with her. I asked my wife if her new place was in Katie's school district and she said no. I then said I doubt she could go to school full time and drive 1 and a half hours each way to school and be a responsible parent. She became irate and said that she felt like I was trapping her to stay. I told her I was stating a valid concern and fact. She said if she has to stay in this house for 2 years she would only divorce me 2 years from now. She also said she would never sleep with me. I might add we have not had sex in over 10 months. In any case I went for a walk and she is now gone. Any thoughts? Bobby O
I am so sorry you find yourself here. I read your old thread and must say all in all I think you are doing a hell of job.
Look man, at this time I think you need to limit all conversation with your W to the L's. Based on your post you seem to still think that something you do will make your W realize the you love her. Realize that you have changed. Realized that she is making a mistake. Nothing and I repeat nothing you do can do this. You will need luck, time and some serious DBing to GET THRU THIS. Notice I said get through this not restore your M.
The restoration of the M is really her decision right now. She really does control HER own destiny. You my friend control YOURS.
The hardest thing to do right now is to totally let go and really do what it is THAT YOU and ONLY YOU want to do.
So...do YOU want her to live in the house for 2 years? If so, are you doing this out of fear? Are you doing this thinking that maybe she will snap out of it? Ask yourself the hard question...what the F do you really want for YOU.
In terms of cash, I would not give her a dime. I would not commit to anything. I would follow one basic principal - DO WHAT IS RIGHT. No more NO less. Just do what is right.
Not what the L's say...what is right. Not what she says...do what is right.
BTW - what does your D want? Have you considered that maybe you want the shared custody as a form of punishing her for HER choices? Seriously, if your D wants to be with her mom are you really going to stop it. IMO...this sounds like you have not let your W completely go and this my friend must be done...for you to ever have any chance of Peace.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I just had a discussion with my wife that she initiated. She told me she is planning on moving out of the house little by little
I'm not quite sure how one does it little by little. These talks tend to lead in this direction when they are "out there". It's best to stay away from these conversations if at all possible or at the very least cut them short when they really start to take a nose dive.
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and that she wanted to know if I would give her 2000.00 dollars a month to live for the next 2 years.
Umm. No.
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I told her that if she was going to leave that it was her choice to do so.
Good answer.
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I told her I would not commit to a dollar amount unless advised by my lawyer. I did tell her that I would ask for joint physical and legal custody of my daughter who is 15 years old.
I'm not really caught up on your situation. I know you want to stay married and this isn't your choice. Speaking to a lawyer and seeking advice is a good idea, but what is said between you and your lawyer is for you. Don't mention a word to her and please don't get into the "my lawyer says this" discussion. Do your best to keep your mouth closed about your relationship and any legal advice you are getting.. Say nothing.
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She became irate and said that she felt like I was trapping her to stay. I told her I was stating a valid concern and fact.
As silly as this sounds you are both right. It may be a valid concern and what she told you was how she really feels. You can't argue with her feelings pal.
Getting out for a walk is a great idea. Remember to keep your cool at all times no matter what crazy crap you may hear. Avoid conversations like these if you can. Be respectful but at the same time don't let her walk all over you either.
I just read your thread from newcomers. We say here that confusion = MLC It does sound like she is in a MLC she does sound confused. You need to learn more about MLC. It is not something that YOU can control. The thing to do is to try to outlast your wifes MLC. That is what standing for your marriage is all about. The advice here is a little different than in newcomers.
You need to learn more about detachment. You need to live your life and let your wife live hers. It doesn't sound like there is an OM. This means that you are dealing with MLC depression. She is just low energy MLC. Some of the advice is the same but you don't want to pressure her and I am confused as to whether you are pushing this divorce or not. If you want to get divorced, push it, if not stop. There are no tricks here. You will not trick her out of her crisis. She only has one way to go through it and that is up and over the mountain. There are no shortcuts.
I would not worry about what she is going to do 2 years from now. That is a long time from now and a lot can change. If she wants to move out, you can't stop her.
Try to give her more space that what you have been doing. Let her come to you. Mirror her actions.
Start reading the resources. Keep asking questions.
As has been said, do not initiate any R discussions with your W. If she brings one up listen to what she has to say and validate. Validating does not mean that you're agreeing with her just agreeing that she has the right to feel as she does.
During these conversations do not try and defend yourself, it will do you no good. Say, I'm sorry you feel that way, or I understand why you feel that way. If you try and defend yourself it just will just escalate what she is spewing.
Some of the things said by your W may sting. If there is anything that does, you may want to take a closer look at it as to why it stung. That may be something to work on within yourself for YOU.
The focus of this board is on the LBS's journey. We're all walking along this path with you.
