My last entry was a response to Wonka who came out of the blue from 'retirement'. He must have found my sitch interesting. He sent this and I must admit I'm intriqued with his perspective.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
CD, I have read up on your stich and do feel that there is a good chance of DBing this quite successfully with the right game plan.
From my perspective, exposing the A or talking about the A to others is a cheeseless tunnel in your case. It may work for others. Disclaimer: My R was not saved nor DB successfully due to the fact that XW moved out of state. In my view, those who stay in the same house or town have better chances of DBing than those that move out of the state. With this disclaimer out of the way, here are some insights for you to mull over:
1) Stop focusing on the A and engaging in self-righteous talk about how W is doing you "wrong" 2) Focus on YOU and your interactions with W 3) Do get the Separation Agreement in place soon to protect yourself financially..no sense in harming yourself in this area 4) Let's face it: The OM is no catch! A 23-year old living with his sister and BIL in THEIR house!? Gee...I'd sign him up to wash MY golf balls and tip him in pennies 5) Your W is high on dopamine...the feel-good drug of choice...which makes her oblivious to the pain you are experiencing (yep...it sucks) 6) In a way, it is in your favor at this time that W is with OM since the longer she is with him or living with him, the flaws will begin to reveal themselves and her rose-colored glasses will crack and her dopamine will crack too!
So the plan of action is:
1) Positively NO R TALK unless W initiates it first 2) Look past the OM...not even acknowledging him (or even the A). I have done this several times and XW was discombulated several times 3) When interacting with the W, keep the exchanges brief and on the subject 4) Change things up a bit...like you CALL W and arrange for her to have D since you have PLANS (don't tell her what..even if you are going over to a friend's for dinner or drinks). The goal is to make W unsettled 5) Be the OM to the OM!!!!
Follow on some good, basic ground rules:
1) Slap on the duct tape even if you are tempted to say something you may regret (that includes digs and/or snarky comments) 2) Do the 24-hour rule (even 48) if you feel the "itch" to act on something NOW or NEED to do something (those feelings are trainsitory and usually passes) 3) Ask yourself: Will this action/words bring me closer to the goal?
Dude...you are doing just fine! I'll keep you on my radar.
Today is a new day which calls for actual implementation of action steps. I looked over in your thread for some new insights on W's state of mind. Saw the ILYBNILWY excerpts and here is what I think are her main LL. It seems that PT and WOA are her two main LL. Since she is with OM, obviously can't do PT. However, you can sprinkle WOA to her on neutral basis when you do interact with her. Use them sparingly!
My suggestion is to do some 180s that can be easily done and only FOR you. I cannot emphasize this enough to DBers. Why not pick u a new hobby that you've always wanted to do but keep putting off because of "renos, D, new job..blah blah." Another area is changing things up a bit...one would be getting a new pair of shoes, shirt, or a clothing item that will make W sit up and notice. Lay off on the cologne chit as it is too personal and could fall under the category of pursuing W!
Dude...why don't you write down some doable list of goals here for the week and focus on them. For goodness sake, smile when you interact with W! Who wants to be around a downer?!! Let the OM be the downer and nagging one. You'll come out of this as a winner.
I had a tough time nailing down her LL's but I'll run with your take. I had those two on her list (they are mine, too) and both of us have a large "Quality Time" element as well. Those three were our entire courtship.
Regarding 180's, I have been working out after at least 3 years off. I have taken my drums to my office (it has a warehouse section) and will be setting them up, too. Getting back to "the REAL ME" and the things I lost in the last few years. I'm also trying to quit smoking. I've been talking about it for years but never seem to be able to get it to the top of the list. NOW would be a great time for it.
As far as something "NEW", I don't really have anything I'd like to do that I haven't. Can't think of a damned thing.
I have picked up "some" new clothes. I am going to go through my closet this week and pare down the old stuff. replace it with new. Maybe have my sister tag along for some new style.
I've always had a "neutral" face. THAT would be something NEW. Consciously smile more until it becomes habit. get some muscle memory.
Thanks, buddy. I read your sitch, too. Sounds like a fun weekend. I'm alone this week and having a bad one. Got into it with W this morming. She's p'ing me off cause she doesn't "get it"
I had an exchange re D with W. I had a bad day. So what!
Back to Sunday. Wonka kindly suggested to write down some tasks/goals for the week.
-Call the mediator and ask specifically that my excemption is prior to debts being split -Get the list of ALL necessary paper/documents (and backdated to...)required for a meeting to get Sep Agreement done. Pass list to W -Start compliling the pieces I don't have -Call the bank re mortgage/line of credit issue -shampoo the carpets in the house -finish getting W's stuff in one pile in the garage -finish cleaning the kitchen -minimize my closet and discard no-fits/old style stuff -plan September Long Wknd as Camping with D (invite family, too?) -note all home repairs required for sale of house -follow up with builder to see if they are doing any of it; if not, build a timeline to do myself -leave the self-help books alone for two weeks. -Set up to quit smoking on THIS WEEKEND (Dad's 78 b'day; 6 years since I set Guiness Record) -IGNORE upcoming 4th Wedding Anniversary Sept 2
I have three days. GO!
Need to get better sleep. Brain won't shut off so "tire the body" first.
Thanks, Steady. As you can see by the time, I didn't really sleep last night.
I really appreciate your perpective this mornig.
Originally Posted By: Steady
When we're hugry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT) is when we seem to be most vulnerable.
I'm going to have to keep this one in my head.
Originally Posted By: Steady
You are moving through a process which has a life of its own. You can move around inside of it, but it is un-tamable and uncontrollable. Think River and you're in a boat. You can paddle around in that river, but it's taking you somewhere....
I understand this and it seems a good analogy but I gotta say I'm not pleased by the helplessness and pointlessness of the situation. Why am I paddling?
Originally Posted By: Steady
Like I said in your last thread, I thought you'd been at this for a year, year and a half.
Though I initially accepted this as a compliment for "grasping the concepts and making progress" so quickly, it now scares me that what you were really saying is that "relax, this nightmare goes on for another year and a half-at least"
I don't know how I'll do "this" for another year plus. I realize that improving me will take a long time to ingrain habits and all that. [I was saying to OM's ex last night (she ws having a bad day so I texted here a few encouraging things. And NO, we don't talk about "them")that she has fewer bad habits to unlearn than I so she'll be done faster.]
But fruitlessly paddling for another year just seems so pointless. I can't imagaine still having these feelings, thoughts, aggravations and "riding the caoster" for another year or more.
I know you and Missher and Gritter, et al, now and in the past have lived through worse than I'm going through and for longer. I figured that since your sitches were the exceptions and you were all tougher than most, that's how you all became "Enchanters" (as I used to say to Puppy). But if it's really because everyone is going to have to "exist through" this for a long time, I'm not sure if I have "the legs" for the duration. I certainly can't see living the last 4 days over and over like Groundhog Day (though not aging would be nice until I get through this/get it right)
Granted, regarding HALT, I am too tired to feel any of the other three right now, I may be a little pessimistic. But I can't be optimistic about paddling if it's wasted energy.
Who wants to be around a downer?!! Let the OM be the downer and nagging one. You'll come out of this as a winner.