I'm so confused... my whole story is on the newcomers thread (i think) my huband has called me everal times on the rbink of crying and i have taken his call once. Afetr i took his call and couneled him for half an hour and tried to make him feel better, i called a few days later and... cld as ice.... super polite, but cold. I'm sure it's some way of staying in control. But since then, he has called several times again and I haven't answered.. when he called, he spoke about feeling like a failure, and never being able to get anything right and how he felt overwhelmed and misserable. how maybe his job destroyed 'his personal life'. (not the personal ads and porn and abuse, right?). i just tried to build him up; i didn't say anything about how i know how it feels to be completely alone and abandoned. I just couoldn't bring myself to take his call again. I felt used last time and I dont want to be used. he didn;t ay he wanted me back, he keeps saying in his messages he 'needs someone to talk to'. Isn't that what a marriage is for? I don't know. I miss him and don;t want him to stop calling, but I just feel like I shouldn't respond until and if he says he wants to change and realizes he was wrong, otherwise, I just end up being used and he gets the best of me without giving me anything. We are right about to finalize this thing. why is he doing this?? does he realize what he has done?
There's a difference between ignoring and knowing your boundaries.. what you need to be in a healthy space.
Our marriage eroded and crumbled because of the machinations both of us did to keep it together, rather than thriving. So.. for me, the first step is learning what it takes to be healthy. Otherwise it's easy to slide back in the abyss.
It's interesting that he's turning to you, sharing all his misery and uncertainty. And how you respond is your choice. First time you listened, validated without seeking any support for yourself. But felt used afterwards. Good learning experience.
So what works for you? Set your boundaries. What keeps you healthy.
The one thing I really had to learn was just because I knew how to operate in the dynamic my H and I had it doesn't mean it was the healthy way to have a R. I am talking about how things were going after he dictated we were getting divorced and not over the course of our marriage.
Turning to a spouse for emotional support is what spouses are supposed to do. BUT they are also supposed to do much, much more. A marriage is not an entity that can be "cherry picked".
Being used as an emotional sounding board and support system by your spouse who is wanting to end the marriage is not in your best interest. It sets a precedent that you are "good enough" to be there for the hard stuff but when it comes time for the good stuff he doesn't take a second look. You deserve better than that.
Have you actually ever told him what YOU want as opposed to constantly trying to cater to HIS needs?
If your end result is to get back together, then maybe you should respond back to him and say something like..."I understand you feel hurt and alone. I need a husband who is willing to treat me with the same respect I give to them. The respect I need and deserve. Sorry you haven't been it." Then hang up.
After he's been chomping at the bit for awhile, you come up with your list of what needs to happen if he wants it to work out...counseling, date nights, whatever. YOU have the power now. Use it wisely.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
mrbond, he isn't 'chomping at the bit', nor ha he tried to get back together. he jut needed some validation he call abd called hi other exes for the same reason. they are all till his 'friends'. he never said anything about fixing things.
