Well my way wasnt working. I have went through every emotion from hitting bottom to giving up and now hopeful. We went to speak with my pastor yesterday. We talked a little over a hour. He didnt even bring up god expect for the last 5 mins. He spend most of the time asking questions. Here is where we are at now. We know what the problems are. He asked here a lot of questions. He asked does she think the changes (mouth and anger etc)that I have made would last. She said no. He asked if I could promise (which he couldnt) or give Lee a pill that would fix those issues, would you be open to fixing the marriage. She said yes. She said if those things were corrected she would come home. But again she is very skeptical.
She also said my actions over the years have hurt her and her wall went up and in the last year she started hurting me and the did what she done. She said her actions of the last year were worse than mine and even though I was able to forgive her, she still has not forgave me. He then asked (after sharing examples of what he has learned with other couples) was it that she couldnt forgive or just choose not too becuase if she did she knew it would happen again and just says why bother risking the hurt etc, and she said yes that was it. The main reason she wants it to work is the kids and Im cool with that becasue its my main reason too, even thought I love her. He asked if she could go out on dates with me, she said we were trying but her lately it got worse and that right now she couldnt do it.
So basically if she can see the change she will come home and we can stay married and work on it but right now she doesnt want to do anything to make me think everything will be all right. Its safe to say she doesnt really want a divorce but the lack of faith could make that happen.
The pastor told me to back off some becuase we still have hope and I dont need to push her away anymore and she agreed. He said work on my realtionship with God and pray a lot. Leave it in Gods hands and if I feel in my heart to ask her out later, do it. He said she has got to see the changes and actions are louder than words.
He then at the end asked her if she prayed about it? She answer "God and I are not on the best terms of now" and started to cry pretty hard. ( Her 1st child passed away at birth about 13 years ago.) He said he was sorry to ask and upset her and asked of she wanted to talk about her relationship with God and she declined. He said if you ever want too Im here. He then went on to say if you guys want to come see me once a month until this is fixed, Im here or if you need me any other time let me know. My wife is going to tell me at some point if she wants to do that.
He also said a lot of other things about why we should try and fix this and she agreed with every one.
******* So this tells me that at least there is some hope and even though she lacks faith about it working right now, atleast I have some control in improving the chances of a better outcome. So Im going to re read all the do's and donts again. And start over today. Knowing these facts I am just wondering is it better to still talk to her and be myself and just not talk about the "R" or should I not call her, let her call me? ******
A interesting thing I found out last night. Wife told me she had a bad day and people were driving her nuts. She named a couple of people at work and then her mom who she is living with. I thought that was interesting. Her mom is a very overbearing person and is just rude and not fun to be around. She knows it but hates when I say it. She knows I dont really care for her mother and her mother hates me. She didnt go into detail, but she said her mom has being doing things to get on her nerves. It obivous she is not happier away from me that she thought she might be.
My pastor spoke with me today before church for a few mins and asked if I thought the meeting helped. I told him I think it did and it got me some amswers to some tuff questions that will make hanging in there a little easier.
I just sent a text to her today telling her the pastor asked about her and said he was looking forward to seeing her again.
The kids start school tomorrow. My wife will have a lot of alone time now with the kids in school. Maybe she will do some good thinking about things and things will start to happen in a postive way.
