I had another thread going in this forum (a few pages back) and wanted to update.
So.... my husband, Mr. RT, came home 6 days ago. This time for good. I'm still not 100% sure that that's a good thing, considering the weeks of hell I've been through, but I have to say that at this point in time, our relationship hasn't been so good in a long, long time.
Mr. RT is essentially a good man, with a lot of demons. I have my demons too, though, and I recognize that my behaviours led to many of his.
Here's what worked for me- exposing the affair publicly- to his family, his workplace, his friends, her family and friends, etc- I used Facebook and in person contact. Yes, he was very angry at first. Then I stopped contacting him completely, and let him stew in his own mess at the OW's house. He lasted about a week there. It probably helped that she has bratty children and that she quit her job, so he was around them all 24/7. I also got a life. I hired a babysitter and started going out.
Last week, I went to our local pub all by myself and made lots of friends. I would not recommend what I did to anyone else, necessarily, but I'd been drinking: I met one of Mr. RT's underlings at work, and made out with him. I brought him home with me. When we arrived at my house, Mr. RT was lurking about outside- he saw who I'd come home with and flipped out. It was a massive shock to him, and he got a taste of what I'd been going through. Within a day or two, he was begging to come home- he was miserable at OW's house, and realised that he didn't want me to be with anyone else.
We called the OW and I listened to him end it with her. She was upset, and she and I had 'words' on through Facebook. Nasty, nasty words- using things he'd told me about her, I ripped her to shreds- I insulted her kids, her parenting, her housekeeping, her morals- everything. In any case, I'm quite sure that Mr. RT and OW are finished for good.
Mr. RT and I have had an amazing week. He called my parents and apologized, apologized to his bosses, talked to the padre about getting help for his problems, quit his side job at the pub, and has generally been full of remorse and out of the 'fog'. We are going out together this evening, and there's a good chance that OW will be there, so we'll see how that goes- could be interesting.
In conclusion, I would have to say that DB-ing, when done quickly and correctly, is very effective. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now, it's looking pretty good.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
Oh yes- I forgot to mention that part- therapy starts next week (I'd already started going on my own, but only had one session before Mr. RT came back).
Thank you so much for all of your advice in the last couple of weeks, Allen. Your thoughts have really been invaluable.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
Don't forget a full transparency agreement... you both trade cellphones... all internet accounts aer shared.. email account is a shared account... no secrets!
Don't forget a full transparency agreement... you both trade cellphones... all internet accounts aer shared.. email account is a shared account... no secrets!
Yes- well, we don't have cellphones, but I'm definately keeping the keylogger on the computer for the foreseeable future, and now have the passwords to all of his online accounts.
The tough part about full exposure is the embarassment I feel now that we're 'working it out'- every single person we know is aware of what happened. It's more embarassing for me than for him, as half of his male friends think he's a big stud now I'm sure. *Shrug* That's okay, though- I can live with it.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
Congrats, RT! Yeah, the exposure thing does work, but in hindsight, I wish I would have exposed to a slightly smaller circle of people (I would have omitted MY family, and some not-very-close friends), but other than that, I have NO REGRETS. I fought for my marriage, IT WORKED, and my wife even THANKED ME for fighting for her!
Please continue to post, and follow Allen's advice about FT (preferably with a MC/FT with specific training in dealing with infidelity) and transparency. It's IMPERATIVE, as -- without it -- the recidivism rate for affairs is VERY high. But WITH it, you guys have a great shot at building your marriage even better than ever!!
The real bonus you have RT is that you two dont' have cell phones... Cells are a real menance when your spouse is wayward... The cell and the PC are Red Zones for sure
The tough part about full exposure is the embarassment I feel now that we're 'working it out'- every single person we know is aware of what happened. It's more embarassing for me than for him, as half of his male friends think he's a big stud now I'm sure. *Shrug* That's okay, though- I can live with it.
When his male freinds are all divorced and alone while he is married and has children around him that love him you can laugh back at those miserable buddies of his
You may also want to discuss your H hanging around marriage-friendly people instead of marriage-hostile people as well... it can make a difference
