my marriage was hanging by a thread most of last year and I was fully expecting a divorce around March. I was visiting lawyers and making plans and found the forums here and read the book. I had 2 sessions with a phone counselor and in May, around my birthday she took me out to lunch for my birthday and said "I can be flighty like my brother". The closest she could come to saying "I'm back".
One of the signs I look for that says she's back in the marriage is when she wants to spend money on projects for the house. Next thing I know she wants new carpet for the upstairs and we're taking a cruise. Things had really seemed to lighten up in her mood. We would have some disagreements but she would not go into despair like she used to, I wouldn’t either. Anyway, there still has been no sex for a year now, which to me is still not a very good sign. So although it seemed like things were better, there still was no counseling or any type of closure on our rocky past.
The cruise has now become an area of contention. My stepdaughter is 17 and we found out this month that she had been calling us late at night for approval to spend the night at her many girlfriends’ houses….we recently discovered she’s been lying and has been spending the night at her boyfriends’ house. She is no longer a virgin and came home smelling like pot last week. One day I came home and the house smelled like pot..pot mixed with the odor of the air freshener and there was a lighter on the kitchen table. I pointed this out and my wife got very agitated with me. A few days later the stepdaughter came home and was obviously stoned, her mother chastised her and the girl left for work.
The stepdaughter decided that she wanted to stay home and not go on vacation with us. Her boyfriend is leaving for college in a couple weeks, so I told my W I do not want anybody in the house while we are gone, because in my mind, I’m absolutely certain she’ll have a party. It’s not so much her but the boyfriend and his web of weed friends that I don’t want defiling my house while I’m gone. Of course this bothers the wife and she wants her daughter to be able to stay in the house. I sought answers from some of my friends and family, unanimously everybody said you don’t leave a 17 year old home alone. Her bio-dad lives an hour away. I stuck to my guns and yesterday we had a huge fight about it and I ended up yelling, I was very upset. She cried half the night and actually said “we never should have gotten married, we can’t agree on ANYTHING”. I told her that out of 60 replies on the board where I asked the question, 60 people said DO NOT let a teen stay alone in your house, so if you were married to any of those 60 guys you wouldn’t agree either. Basically, my life savings is wrapped up in this ridiculously expensive Mass house and I don’t want to risk losing it so that someone who has already displayed poor judgement and that they cannot be trusted can stay there and play house.
Anyway, I’m really not seeing the point anymore, of course I want my son to have an intact family, and I know I owe that to him. But I really think my wife is a controlling, mean spirited person. Sometimes the way she yells at my son and shames him, it makes me sick. I want to be in his life on a daily basis but I live in Mass and would never get custody, I don’t want to keep him from his mom, but I don’t want to be a weekend only dad either. The bottom line is, I love my kids dearly, even the stepkids, but cannot take her enabling. I’m the one that disciplines my son, he means EVERYTHING in the world to me, yet I’m the one that puts him in the corner. I do love my wife but sometimes I can see where our values are so different that I have a hard time relating to her. She could care less about any of my hobbies, and doesn’t even try to feign interest. Sorry I’m venting, I just can’t believe I’m back in this position. I’m pretty tired of constantly having divorce in the back of my mind and feeling controlled like I have to do things the way she wants or else I’m out of my son’s life. And my heart weeps for my little son. My parents have been married 55 years, my dad tells me “divorce was never an option for us, marriage is a sacrament, once you take the vows divorce is not an option”. I have apparently married someone who does not share this belief. It’s just not fair to my son. I guess I need to recommit to the DB principles. I thought I was over the hump.
