Well here it goes. The W and I have been married for 10 years after dating for only 4 months. Things couldn't have been better the first couple of years but our troubles started when our daughter was born. My W went into complete motherhood mode and I still lead the same life going out with friends etc. She told me she has not been happy at all since that time which I find hard to believe. After she laid it out for me I realized what a real crappy father and husband I really am. I honestly can't believe we have made it this far after hearing all of her complaints.
She recently took a trip with her sister out of state and when she returned I could tell something was wrong. My first clue was her cell phone. When she returned she never left it out of her site and even hid it when she slept or showered. After a little digging I discovered the EA. I confronted her about it on 8/6 and thats when she dropped the separation bomb on me. I am devasted and in such turmoil. The thought of losing my W and children is unbearable to me.
After the long hard weekend of groveling, begging and pleading that I can change I discovered this site and started reading about other people's sitch's and felt so much better about things until tonight came. I have moved out of the bedroom and to the couch which is very difficult to get a good nights sleep on. She's a nurse and works the overnight shift at the hospital so I have at least 2 days a week in our bed. I suggested to her that it would be nice if I could grab an extra night in the bed while she slept on the couch. WOW what a mistake! She rambled on about how I'm still being selfish and would never change. She wanted to skip the separation and go right to D. I tried to stay calm and explain but I went right back to groveling, begging and pleading that I can change. She was totally turned off. After she calmed down I told her to give me the time to see a therapist to try and work on my problems (at this point she will not attend with me) and she did. I start on Friday.
I feel all of her points are valid and have no real reason to argue them. I want to be a better man for myself and my children and hopefully my W.
After tonight I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread and any comment I make to her will set her off. I can't really question her about this EA because I feel that will be the end of our M. After growing up in a broken home this is the last thing I want for my children. I feel the problems I face today are partly caused by me not having a father around all the time.
She has agreed to give me some time with the therapist and if things don't change then we will go right to a mediator.
My copy of DB should arrive soon and I can't wait to get started but any advice I can get will be greatly appreciated.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
I know it's not my fault but I can't just give up on my M. I think she is at the point where she doen't care what happens. Unfortunately I do and think I have to ignore the situation at the moment.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
Well here it goes. The W and I have been married for 10 years after dating for only 4 months. Things couldn't have been better the first couple of years but our troubles started when our daughter was born. My W went into complete motherhood mode and I still lead the same life going out with friends etc. She told me she has not been happy at all since that time which I find hard to believe. After she laid it out for me I realized what a real crappy father and husband I really am. I honestly can't believe we have made it this far after hearing all of her complaints.
Hi Ranger, sorry you're here.
I'm sure that you are guilty of some of the things that W said. And I'm sure that W is also laying it on extra thick to keep you in line. (This coming from personal experience)
Originally Posted By: rangerphan
She recently took a trip with her sister out of state and when she returned I could tell something was wrong. My first clue was her cell phone. When she returned she never left it out of her site and even hid it when she slept or showered. After a little digging I discovered the EA. I confronted her about it on 8/6 and thats when she dropped the separation bomb on me. I am devasted and in such turmoil. The thought of losing my W and children is unbearable to me.
Again, the bomb is meant to keep you in line. Same thing w/my cheating H. And it worked for a good long while. She hold S/D over your head and you comply, so as to not antagonize her.
Originally Posted By: rangerphan
After the long hard weekend of groveling, begging and pleading that I can change I discovered this site and started reading about other people's sitch's and felt so much better about things until tonight came. I have moved out of the bedroom and to the couch which is very difficult to get a good nights sleep on. She's a nurse and works the overnight shift at the hospital so I have at least 2 days a week in our bed. I suggested to her that it would be nice if I could grab an extra night in the bed while she slept on the couch. WOW what a mistake! She rambled on about how I'm still being selfish and would never change. She wanted to skip the separation and go right to D. I tried to stay calm and explain but I went right back to groveling, begging and pleading that I can change. She was totally turned off. After she calmed down I told her to give me the time to see a therapist to try and work on my problems (at this point she will not attend with me) and she did. I start on Friday.
Again, meant to keep you compliant so that she can have A and you don't make any waves. W wants S, then W should move to the couch. Reclaim your bed, and your self-respect, and possibly a little bit of W's respect.
Originally Posted By: rangerphan
I feel all of her points are valid and have no real reason to argue them. I want to be a better man for myself and my children and hopefully my W.
The points that are valid are the things that you begin working on. You have to figure out which are valid and which are the smoke and mirrors meant to intimidate you.
Originally Posted By: rangerphan
After tonight I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread and any comment I make to her will set her off. I can't really question her about this EA because I feel that will be the end of our M. After growing up in a broken home this is the last thing I want for my children. I feel the problems I face today are partly caused by me not having a father around all the time.
If you don't question her, and insist that you not have an open M, this will be the end of your M. I didn't stand firm enough on this w/my cheating H. H forced me out of my house so that he could continue his A. H has filed D. If I had stood up harder to H, we might be piecing our M back together at this point.
Originally Posted By: rangerphan
She has agreed to give me some time with the therapist and if things don't change then we will go right to a mediator.
That's a start. Make a concerted effort to find a really good T , someone pro-M. If you can do IC, start that as well.
Originally Posted By: rangerphan
My copy of DB should arrive soon and I can't wait to get started but any advice I can get will be greatly appreciated.
Also look for the thread on boundaries. That is helpful.
Also, this was posted to me when I arrived here, and it's been incredibly helpful. Stay strong.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I'm new and in my own predicament, but I'm also up late and want you to know I read your post.
Right now do nothing. Just sleep on the couch tonight, try to rest. Try to take care of you. Do not do any more begging or groveling. It's not becoming of you and it's not going to change her mind. There is an OW in my situation so I'm stuck similar to where you are in that I can't work on anything regarding the marriage until the 3rd party is removed from my marriage. But we can work on ourselves. I've taken this time that my H is 'thinking about what he wants' to work on strengthening myself. You need to take care of you and do the same. Try to sleep. Make sure you eat tomorrow. Give your kids big hugs tomorrow and try to have a happy moment with them. I'm sure you will get more feedback in the morning.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
Rangerphan- Re-read Vulcanized- 40 times!!! Especially #1 to #37!
And read the thread on boundaries!!
The more you back down now to avoid conflict, the FURTHER AWAY she will go and the longer road back it will be.
If she wants to have an Affair, she can sleep on the couch. That is the "marital bed" and you seem to be the one concerned with the marriage. She made a choice to have an affair (E or P doesn't really matter much)so let this be "the first consequence".
Your first boundary!
The game is about respect. She has little or none for you so the sooner you get some back, the sooner you can stop the slide.
The longer you "do nothing", the quicker it gets worse. Actions speak MUCH louder than words at all times.
I'm gonna guess that there were a lot of "words" in your marriage but neither actually DID anything. NOW is the time to act.
Stand your ground. No open marriage. You don't move out. Unless it's about kids, her calls and texts are on the back burner. DO NOT discuss the M or her complaints. hear them for what they are worth but do not ENGAGE in the conversation. She'' be looking to transfer blame to you; spin your plates; keep you on the defensive. remember, she has likely been "working" this eventuality for months (YES, MONTHS) so she has the lead.
The "pro's" will be onto this thread in the morning...perhaps one or two even tonight.
MAKE SURE SHE CAN"T FIND THIS SITE!!!!!!! Do not mention the title of the books, either. This stuff is for you.
She hold S/D over your head and you comply, so as to not antagonize her.
Never, the children are our #1 priority and won't be dragged into our mess
Originally Posted By: Vulcanized
Again, meant to keep you compliant so that she can have A and you don't make any waves. W wants S, then W should move to the couch. Reclaim your bed, and your self-respect, and possibly a little bit of W's respect.
Tried reclaiming the bed. She won't have it right now.
Originally Posted By: Vulcanized
The points that are valid are the things that you begin working on. You have to figure out which are valid and which are the smoke and mirrors meant to intimidate you.
Most of her recent complaints when I was drinking a little more than I should have been a couple of years ago. Which I realized was a problem and stopped. I do have a controlling nature when it comes to our finances which is my main focus right now.
Originally Posted By: Vulcanized
If you don't question her, and insist that you not have an open M, this will be the end of your M. I didn't stand firm enough on this w/my cheating H. H forced me out of my house so that he could continue his A. H has filed D. If I had stood up harder to H, we might be piecing our M back together at this point.
I don't think the has gotten physical yet. He does live 1,500 miles away. I feel at this point I need to give her a cooling down period. She has such anger right now.
Originally Posted By: Vulcanized
That's a start. Make a concerted effort to find a really good T , someone pro-M. If you can do IC, start that as well.
I do and I'm looking forward to getting started.
Thanks again.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
