Dissolution date is in 2 weeks. WAW28 is having serious second thoughts and put the ball back in my (M30) court to make a decision about the future. Been married 5 years, separated for 8 months, have D3, and I do not feel it is in the best interest of us, as the couple, to remain married. But for the sake of D3, I have never been as torn with any decision in my whole life. There is OM in the picture whom W says she will absolutely give up IF I can commit to trying on the marriage again. After months of spying and catching her in repeated lies about how much time she was spending with OM, talking, going places, etc, I cannot trust W. So why is this a difficult decision still. Why subject D to a maariage that is broken as far as trust is concerned? Mostly afraid to death of possibly closing the door on marriage and leaving OM wide open avenue to influence my D, in other words, seems like I'm just giving up too easily and letting this happen to me instead of fighting for my family. But the trust is gone...can't live life everyday wondering if WAW is going to revert and restart contact with OM. This is a great site that has helped me immensely over the months with DB tactics, and to some degree they seemed to have worked to get her back in my corner...but I really suspect it is just nerves on her part with the close pending court date. I would appreciate anyone's wise thoughts.
M30 W28 D3 Married 5 years EA began 4/09 Separated 12/09 Found out OM's major presence 1/10
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I'm pro-marriage...I understand that there are doubts and insecurities in your sitch, but you obviously did everything to save your marriage so be happy, but cautious.
I'll let an expert take it from here. May good fortune be with you and I pray for you to be strong and wise.
You might want to inquire in the Piecing forum...but having followed others' threads/lives, this bothers me:
Quote:
There is OM in the picture whom W says she will absolutely give up IF I can commit to trying on the marriage again.
Ok. Until maybe March-April of 2010 in my sitch, I was willing to accept this. BUT here is the issue....she still HAS OM and will just jump back to you with OM in the picture? The risk is too great for a false reconciliation...
The hard line, but the line that you deserve, is that she must be willing to drop OM altogether. Whether or not you will drop the divorce. She must:
1)write a no contact letter to OM 2)follow transparency (i.e. you check her cell phone, email, get a full account of where she has been, she calls you, etc.) 3) she HAS to go to IC even before you go to MC together to figure out how she got into this mess and to make sure she doesn't repeat it
So think LIFE here...so what if this doesn't happen in the next 2 weeks and your marriage is officially dissolved...in the end, if she proves herself, you can re-marry. In fact, can't they go back and remove the dissolution after the fact?
Honestly, you deserve a woman who will be willing to do whatever it takes to get you back after the worst thing she could do to you.
[--edited by dbmod: advertising]
AND YOU must be willing and ready to accept NO LESS than those conditions! Because YOU DESERVE IT and will find someone else if she is not able to comply!
Last edited by dbmod; 12/07/1004:32 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
There is OM in the picture whom W says she will absolutely give up IF I can commit to trying on the marriage again.
Your answer to her is..
"I have decided that I am not interested in reconciling. I have realized that it is not in the best interest of "us" as a couple and an even MORE important FACT is that I have lost trust. I will always love you because you are the mother of our child, but I am not IN love with you.(that one always gets to them) I realized that it just won't work for ME because I don't want to be with a woman I don't trust and am not in love with. Also add to the fact that you are STILL with him even now and are making it seem as if you are doing ME a favor by telling me you will leave him IF I commit to the relationship. I have decided that isn't going to happen. So, for now I want to proceeed with the divorce."
Say this with confidence, resolve and matter of fact....
Don't BUDGE an inch if she doesn't dump him BEFORE you commit. Shame on you if you fall for that old trick.
Thanks newmama and FaithnAK. That's what I have thought all along. I received a text message from her back in June that saidd just that, IF I will try she is ready to give up OM. This has been followed up with words that are only slightly better....those being " I can/will give him up....DONE". This is closer but she's still missing the boat here....that is not the same as saying "I HAVE given him up."
My thinking is very simple on this...I refuse to talk to her about the two of us when there are 3 of us. Otherise, he is at least nothing more than insurance for her, and at most, well, I try not to think about it. She simply will not let him go, even though I think she thinks she should...of course this only seems to really happen at times the emotion hits her hard, like when she really misses my daughter. She has been seeing an IC for a fairly long time, probably 5 months now...but obviously we're still at this point and not happily reconciling.
I do absolutely get now what people (on here especially )mean when they say that they resent changes from their SO only after they get to the point of leaving. Why weren't you good enough to be changed for when your heart was still in it? That's what this feels like. I also agree, I could always get remarried to her if if in the long run it seemed like the best decision for both of us. I have not had time to heal from the infidelity, plain and simple. I do not see how I can make that committment to her now with my heart not into it.
But what about my D? Am I doing the right thing? That's really what I worry about. Suppose I am the kind of person that my wife wants now? Hard to beleive she (and I in retrospect) could be that unhappy before but after 8 months apart could be so much better now. SHE moved out, not me. When I tell people this, they almost always just tell me something to the effect of "WOW! she did? I don't know man, good luck" If she was that unhappy before, even though I did my best to GAL and did a lot of things I never made the time for while we were together...how can I be that much different really? And put me back together with her, that probably changes the dynamic again. It's easy to say I'm going to visit my buddy in Texas or I'm going to go to karaoke tonight or whatever when you are by yourself. I don't want to slough off of the GAL path I have been on. But, suppose I am what she wants? Do I let my mistrust steer everything or do I work on that too, for the sake of my daughter? Very confusing to me here as to what is the RIGHT thing to do.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Otherise, he is at least nothing more than insurance for her
wow- I LOVE that expression because YES it is that way! Except if we are pining for them, WE become the insurance! Like they can just gamble with the OP and know if it fails, we will be there.
One more thing--we have the right to divorce someone who cheats on us and our kids will completely understand down the line when they learn why we divorced. I mean we, the LBS, "are right" in both scenarios 1) we stayed to stand and fight for our marriage 2) we divorced the parent because cheating is a breach of marriage vows (and it is a commandment if you are religious, right?)
if we remarry we show that if both spouses are willing to do the work, remarriage after divorce is possible.
Oh and another thing-- please go to the infidelity forum and read the post that Hopeforus just made. The affair is NOT our fault...it is all of the WS' doing. Sure, we could have done things to weaken the marriage but we didn't deserve "cheating" as a punishment so to speak. If that makes sense. ANd our WSs made mistakes, too,before their A.
And you are dissolving this ruined marriage...a new one can take place if she does the work. (and you still want to give her the chance)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
My thinking is very simple on this...I refuse to talk to her about the two of us when there are 3 of us. Otherise, he is at least nothing more than insurance for her, and at most, well, I try not to think about it. She simply will not let him go, even though I think she thinks she should...of course this only seems to really happen at times the emotion hits her hard, like when she really misses my daughter. She has been seeing an IC for a fairly long time, probably 5 months now...but obviously we're still at this point and not happily reconciling.
Kart Man,
It sounds like you're seeing things clearly. Your wife -- like most wayward women -- want to keep two "plates" spinning (you and OM) on her two sticks, for as long as she possibly can. She's simply trying to spin yours up right now; I'm glad you're not buying it.
One thing you could possibly do to call her bluff: offer that IF she does the things that Newmama outlines above (no-contact letter, full transparency, MCing (with someone who specializes in infidelity), etc., then you will CONSIDER putting the divorce on a temporary 3-month "stay," but you're "not even sure about THAT."
And see what she says. I suspect that she'll never even agree to the terms, in which case you'll know that she wasn't sincere, and you'll have your answer.
Your wife has it precisely BACKWARDS. It's not "let me come back to the marriage, and I'll give up my gambling addiction." It's "Give up your gambling addiction, and get some help, and when you've been healthy for a period of time (say, six months), we can talk about possibly reconciling."
Oh, and I would ONLY offer that in conjunction with her NOT MOVING BACK INTO THE MARITAL HOME during the temporary "stay" period. It wouldn't be fair to confuse your daughter if your wife isn't serious and fully committed in her attempt.
