I really had a hard time last night. I received my court date in the mail and D-Day is 9/30/10.
ALL my hard work was nullified by hitting the liquor store. It wasn't addiction that made me do it either, no withdrawals, or A NEED to. I did it out of spite. Let me be the first to say that I have a problem...not sure what or why I was thinking alcohol would make anything better, but oh well what is done is done.
Of course I had to decide in my altered state to text the STBXW and make a complete ass of myself. Today, I apologized and admitted to her I was drunk...no real reason not to. She will continue to view me as "unatttractive/doormattish", until I really get to the point where I exercise self-control. CONSISTENTLY
The point of me writing this is to 1) confess 2) it's OK to admit your human and 3) How important it is to really get your $hit straight before ever thinking you have a chance to get your WAW/WAH back.
I posted a thank you to Robx yesterday because he flat deserves it. Although I felt strongly about my direction, just goes to show that you can slip or fail at anytime, but it's how you keep going after standing right back up and dusting yourself off.
How do i feel today? Pretty crappy! I'm hung over (don't miss that), I feel sad that I ruined my hard work, I feel sad that I contacted STBXW, and I feel I wish I could have my night back. I'm so guilty I haven't prayed for anything and really just feel humbled. But guess what...I'm going to stand up...change into what I want to, and I'm not going back to that selfish, self destructive pattern.
Tbh, I just LOL'd at my stupidity, because I see now how hopeless that what I've been doing truly is. I had to ask myself, "would I stay married to you?" My answer is no. Going to go read Robx's post and get the hell out of the house tonight hung over and all.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. All of us slip and fall. We aren't perfect, we keep trying.
Our emotions run wild. This morning I felt like life was over as H won't be in it soon. But right now, I feel "I can get through this" !!!
So, we slip , we fall, we get up. Simple as that.
I'd much rather be true to myself and admit I am emotional at times rather than pretend I am "okay". That is being FALSE.
Hang in there, YOU can do whatever needs to be done. All of us on these boards can do whatever we need to do. Think about this- we are on here, which means we are insightful, caring, willing to see ourselves WARTS and all. THAT my friend, means we are evolving!!!
I am hanging in there. Yes, you are absolutely correct in saying when we fall, GET UP! No need to wallow in your failure.
Tbh, I'm going to help others as much as I can from here on...even if I need correcting while doing it.
I come from a dysfunctional family....I'm the last of 5 kids...my mom was an alcoholic...she had me when she was 41 years old....dad left my mom when she found out she was prego with me...mom raised me as a control freak and no real discipline.
Do I blame my backround as to why I failed in my marriage? Yes
Does that mean I can't become a different person? NO
I will fight myself to the death to become exactly who I need to become.Changes are good.
You have alot to deal with- but the first step is you have identified what you need to change and you are doing it. I can tell you are committed to change and therefore you WILL succeed. Some people never get to that stage- it's easier to blame others for OUR shortcomings. Denial is helpful for no one.
The DB and 180 sure pinpoint our problem areas. It's helpful.
I am sorry your childhood was less than easy. I too, came from a dysfunctional family. My father was away a lot working and my mother was unable to cope raising 4 kids. She was passive/aggressive. She would tell my dad when he came home a few days each week, all the "bad" stuff all 4 of us kids did wrong and we'd get beaten (would be considered child abuse these days), even though it might have been 4-5 days after the fact! That screws up kids for sure. I am NOT blaming my current sitch on that, but I do believe how we are raised does have some bearing on how we react/act as adults. With that said, my H came from an alcoholic family. H is not an alcoholic, but he saw the damage and I am sure it scarred him.H is a very emotionally detached person. Everyone has their coping mechanisms.
Thanks for the insight. I like what you said, that you are going to help others even if you need correcting while doing it. That type of mindset is what is so unique about this site.We all can give our input, and different perspectives. It's all good!
One thing that I took from this website is knowledge. So much so that I just purchased from Amazon
No More Mr Nice Guy Ways Of A Superior Man Holding on to your N.U.T.s
Why? Not because everyone told me to, Not because I HAVE to save my marriage, but because I need to be a better man.
I love my wife and I would be a liar to say I was doing any of this to NOT get her back. However, I have accepted the reality of my part in this relationship, and understand that whether this relationship continues or ends, that I need to fix "ME" for myself.
Man, all I have to say is if I'm not alone, I'm happy. LOL I still laugh at last nights retardation.
I hope the books help. I really need to figure out my lot in life and become a better person. Based on everything I've "read" these books are eye openers. I'm so searching for self help right now.
You are welcome. I can tell you are a caring and thoughtful person. Nothing wrong with doing DB /180 to get your wife back. You get it, saying you want to be a better man. And you will be no matter what.
I agree- this website is so great, so many diverse opinions and so much wonderful advice.
Books are very helpful-like the titles of the ones you just bought. I just bought "The 5 Love Languages", by Gary Chapman, on advice of my coach, Laurie. I find myself spending hours reading these days.
I heard a quote somewhere the other day. "Nut up or shut up". I like that! And since you bought 'Holding onto your N.U.T.s, I thought I'd share that with you! lol
