I dont know if anyone else is involved or not. I've tried to investigate and all I found were texts. I know the ex boyfriend is back in the picture as they are talking but from what I hear, he is still with his g/f of many years since her.
I think she is extremly sad now but still shutting me out. She did invite me over to where she is staying yesterday. Last night in her nightly texts of how is our son, she seemed a bit shaken, but then when I said I'm here if you ever want to talk, she said theres nothing to talk about. I am trying to do the LRT but I also wanted to make sure she knew the lines of communication would be open if she so chose. Probably a bad idea, but I didn't want her to feel that she couldn't talk to me because that was the complaint of the past.
I recieved a text early this morning asking how our son was. I was shocked that she sent it when she did because she worked the graveyard last night and I figured she would still be sleeping. Trying to put the bad thoughts out of my head and only rationalize that she got up for bathroom or something. I miss her, I want to see her, and I know I could go see her, but is that going against the LRT? I leave tomorrow for five days on a trip. What should I do? I have spent the morning cleaning up around the house and looking at old photos. I found journals of stuff she had written and nothing she has written showed me she was unhappy. It was all good things. So confused,,,,,,,,
Let go of the past. I know it's hard but you have to.
You have to stay clear minded and strong or you will fail.
Believe me, A couple of months ago I could not even listen to some music. It would break me apart. Never mind looking at pictures. We have traveled the globe many rounds over in the 13 years of R.
The other night I put on a concert video of our favorite band that we went to see in Europe last summer. I cried but got over it and in the middle of the concert she walked in the house. I never forget her face. It made me laugh. I know it brought back memories. She sat down and watched in silence. When she was truly into it I changed the channel to news.
Nothing was said but I got a reaction. That's how it works my friend.
Well I majorly went backwards tonight on the gameplan. I made it through the whole day just answering small texts and not talking to her about anything. Just yes or no answers. Then after I put my son to bed I told her to call me if she wanted to talk.
She called right away and it was small chit chat at first then I completely lost it and started telling her that things were different. That I was a better person than when she left and I had proven it so far. I asked her to come home and work on the problems versus putting a bandaid on them like we had in the past. I told her that her family needed her, I needed her, and her son needed her. She was mostly silent and said she wasn't ready to forgive yet but didn't say yes or no to coming home. I feel like an idiot for going against the game plan and caving after only three days, but I am who I am. I've always been up front with her and never held back. So has anyone else screwed up this bad with the LRT?
You need some stuff to read, Lost. Get MORE of the right mindset in your head. Go to search at the top and look for Puppy Dog Tails. I would start by reading as much of his stuff as you can. He helped me immensely.
And followed me from New to Infidelity when THAT became clear.
Don't beat yourself up Imlost. I slide all the time. Made a major booboo myself yesterday. We're just doing the best we can. Sometimes it really is hard. I am who I am and I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It is very hard to do this DB stuff but you are strong and will get there.
I feel like an idiot for going against the game plan and caving after only three days, but I am who I am. I've always been up front with her and never held back.
So which one is it, I'mLost -- did you screw up, or "are you who you are"???
You can't just intentionally screw up like this. Not more than once or twice -- maybe three times. It doesn't do you much good to be distant with her texts all day (btw, not answer them at all, or answer them later with an upbeat "Sorry, just saw these -- been a busy day! What's up?" is MUCH better than immediate, one-word answers, which only make you look desperate and angry and/or pouty), only to then ask her TO CALL YOU IF SHE WANTS TO TALK.
Here's the thing, I.L. We all have to come to the realization that "Who We Are" GOT us to our predicaments in the first place. That's why Michele calls it a "180." If you're just going to do a "0" instead of a "180," flippantly and stubbornly saying "but I am who I am," and "I don't hold back," then you'll still be on this same forum two years from now, beating your head against your marital wall.
Don't beat yourself up Imlost. I slide all the time. Made a major booboo myself yesterday. We're just doing the best we can. Sometimes it really is hard. I am who I am and I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It is very hard to do this DB stuff but you are strong and will get there.
True, but one must COMMIT TO DO BETTER FROM HERE ON OUT. Emotions and feelings will notget you thru DBing -- you'll crash on the rocks.
Coach said it so much better than I can once, that I saved it:
Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.
Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
I dont know if anyone else is involved or not. I've tried to investigate and all I found were texts. I know the ex boyfriend is back in the picture as they are talking but from what I hear, he is still with his g/f of many years since her.
I do not believe it is appropriate for a M woman to have private/personal TM, IM, calls, etc. with OM. And if she's making contact with her old BF then that is another A--you can count on it.
Don't be blind about this. She wants OM for romance and to have you to fall back on in case the other doesn't work out.
I don't think that being her "friend" while she is unfaitful to you is going to win her respect. She obviously doesn't respect you or she wouldn't be looking for another man. Each time you crawl on your hands & knees begging her and trying to convince her that you've changed....it causes her to lose more respect. You are telling her (by your actions) that you are willing to live in an open M. A desparate man is willing to put up with anything, right? Are you that desparate?
You need to know what your own boundaries are before you can tell them to her. What are the deal breakers in this M? How long are you willing to be a doormat? Nothing pretty in that picture.
Get your head out of the sand and face reality. Your W is hung up on another man. The only chance you have to get her back is to start acting like a man she would desire. What you've displayed so far isn't it! I can tell you this...she doesn't want some weak sister pleading and making promises when she knows who has been the unfaithful one in the M. She wants to see you stand up to her and have some dignity & self-esteem. She wants to see the man she fell in love with.
She may kick & scream in the beginning, but she truly wants you to have boundaries for her to honor. Lay those boundaries out there and if she doesn't respect them.....it's time for the consequences to take over.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Get your head out of the sand and face reality. Your W is hung up on another man. The only chance you have to get her back is to start acting like a man she would desire. What you've displayed so far isn't it! I can tell you this...she doesn't want some weak sister pleading and making promises when she knows who has been the unfaithful one in the M. She wants to see you stand up to her and have some dignity & self-esteem. She wants to see the man she fell in love with.
This can't be said any clearer. Thank you Sandi2!
It's all about you now. period. Stand up and get your self respect and esteem back.
