Is thier hope for us?

[I'mlost]

My story is this, we have had a rollercoaster ride our entire marriage. We have stressful jobs that require travel. On July 11th I was in dire pain due to cyst in tailbone. I am the one who takes care of our son when I'm home, I do the cooking, cleaning, and caring of our son. This day I told her that I needed a break due to the pain I was in. I started drinking to help out with the pain and I got drunk.

In May I had found some texts from other men in her phone saying "I love you" but she didn't respond to them. I was felt so betrayed and asked her about it. She said it wasn't meant for her but then I found another from back in February recently that she had responded to. She said I was taking it out of context.

Back to this day we had gotten in a fight about this again because I could not let go of it. Our son is 20 months old and obviously a hand full. I asked her why she wasn't helping me out with him and she just frowned at me. Later in the evening after to much drinking I went upstairs to the bedroom and we got into an argument again. I grabbed her wrists and called her a really bad name. She was scared, and called the cops. I went to detention for 12 hours. This has never happened ever in our relationship. I to this day am so hurt and dissapointed in myself for lack of control that I'm very ashamed. I have not drank a drop since, attended AA, and read everything I can get my hands on.

In every fight we have ever had verbally, she always brings up the D word. That is her way of defense. She left once before for three days but returned home on her own and wanted to try. This was three years ago. I felt the best part of our marriage was the pregnancy but she says I wasn't there for her. Since the arrival of our son I have gotten up every single day that I'm home and taken care of him. I'm a pilot and travel about 14 days a month, the other 16 I am the complete caretaker. She just plays with him while I do the dirty work of the house.

Anyway back to present day, she was gone by the time I got out of detention but left a note. We talked briefly and she wanted to bring my son back home to me the next day. I have had him in my care for 20 of 25 days since this happened. She has worked and played. Spent a week on vacation with her "friends" for her birthday while I was home with our son. This was supposed to have been a vacation for both, but she wouldn't take me do to the circumstances.

I have spent the last three and half weeks reflecting, reading, remaining sober, talking to friends, and taking care of my son. I have written apology letters to her and her family for my actions, and I have tried to show by actions not words that I will never touch another drink. I know its only been three plus weeks but she says its over and she doesn't love me at all. She still comes to the house from time to time to see our son but then she leaves. She will not even tell me where she is staying as its in another town with a coworker. I have sent flowers, purchased diamond ear rings, and tried all the begging and pleading. Obviously this hasn't worked. I have dropped 15 plus pounds of weight due to not eating. All of our friends in our local town think I should let her go because she never supported the household, never did anything to help out and was only a Mom when she had to be. I know she loves our son, but she seems to be more concerned with herself. I take full responsibility for my actions on that horrible night but I fear that we were going to blow up anyway at some point because of all the built up frustrations.

I have recently saw texts in her phone from her ex boyfriend stating that she hoped their paths crossed again and that she was thinking of him. I would like to believe that my wife has never cheated on me, but it appears that she has had thoughts. I know she at least has had an emotional affair.

I spoke with a divorce coach yesterday and I'm to the last resort technique of backing off and giving her space. Its hard as hell to do. I have spoken to her multiple times a day for 6 years. We have son together and she keeps him while I'm at work and we have to talk. I'm so lost. I know I have jumped all over the place in this posting but the bottom line is this. I love my wife, I stood before God and made a VOW. I love my family and I want my son to have both parents. I have provided for her and him. Right now she says I dont love you at all.

Please help me. I do not want to raise my son alone and right now thats what it feels like I'm doing.


Me 31
Her 30

T 6
M 5
B 7/11
S 7/12

[A_goodman]

IL,

Hang in there. None of this is a guarenteed fix for your marriage (M), but if you do it it is going to minister to your life and help you ride through whatever happens much easier.

My advice to you is read, read, read as many posts as you can. there are others on here who have succesfully saved their M and there are a great deal of folks trying. Either way, you will come to understand yourself and her a lot better than you do now. I'm not the most experienced, so the advice I haveis mainly about taking care of yourself and doing the research. There will be some folks who will post on your thread here who are pros at this. listen to them they know what they're talking about.

Also, stick with the coaching. They will help you a lot.

Good luck. YOU can get through this.

[pookie69]

Goodman,

You took words right out of my mouth. Read, read, and re-read.

A week ago I could not imagine that I can do the things I have been able to do after reading DR and hanging around here.

Imlost,

It's hard but you can do it. There are a lot of advice around. Listen to it and implement. If something does not work don't try it again, move on and try something else.

[I'mlost]

Well yesterday she wouldn't tell me the address of where she was staying. Today I went to my counselor which is in the town that she is in and she met me at his office to take our son for a few hours. Once I got out and called to pick him up, she invited me over to her new house. We then went to dinner as a family. I only talked about our son and all the cool things he had done. She once made a comment that "we" need to fix the doors on the house so he doesn't get out on his own and that "we" need to fix the smoke alarms and make sure the batteries are serviced.

After I dropped her off she told our son goodbye and I just sat in the car and ignored her. She then said well I guess I'll see you later and I said a short "bye". As she walked in front of the car I could see that she was visibly upset. Maybe only two days into this its working. I sure hope so. I want her to come back home so bad, but at this point I will not ask again.

Advice? comments?

[A_goodman]

So far so good. Soon you will start to climb out of this vally you've been in and see that YOU are the source of all your strength. And that there's more of it than you realized you could muster.

Keep reading and learning. There's going to be dips in the path. They're a lot easier when you understand they're coming.

You CAN do it.

[I'mlost]

I anticipate some sort of call or text this evening. How do I handle this situation? Please advice would definately be appreciated right now. Her complaints being in the past that I'm not affectionate enough, dont listen to her, don't cherish her, etc etc. Then after the blow up I came on strong and she said it was to late. Today I only talked about our son so now what do I do?

[sandi2]

What are your boundaries in your M? Are you willing to have an open M?

[I'mlost]

No I am not

[pinhead]

IL,

First, you have to determine if there's anyone else involved. That changes your strategy. Next, you need to stay on the wagon. That's a huge, important change that'll do more for you, your son, and your relationship than anything else.

Next, you need to really understand why she's unhappy. Lack of attention, hostile home environment, what. Then do 180s; take on small thing at a time and do the opposite. Don't expect her to notice, it's not for her. It's for you. Keep doing these things until they become firm habits

Next, try to take care of yourself and your health. Try to find some activities that are individual that make you feel good about yourself, that you've always liked. Be sure to get lots of rest, and eat well. Weight loss is very common when you start this Devastation Diet. Between the stress, my exercising, and changing my diet, I've lost over 40 lbs, and I'm in the best shape since I was in my 20s.

Finally, spend time with your son. These years are priceless, and not only will he appreciate the attention, your wife will notice. Women like fathers who are active in their kid's lives. And seeing you be a loving, nurtering father really brings out strong feelings, feelings your wife can't ignore.

Time is your ally here.

[MarkIII]

Hang in there and yes this is just the start. The roller coaster ride is wild trust me. (Knew I hated them for some reason). I myself have not called a coach yet. Money is real tight. I have been reading and following along on this forum. I have been saying I will do the 180 but something inside me keeps me going right back trying to reach out. My STBXW has withdrawn so much she even has a restraining order. (she left to have a EA with a policeman) it went to rocks last week but as of yesterday guess what he was back on her Facebook. She even was laughing about it to one of her old school friends (which sent me the conversation). So I've tried begging borrowing and everything else in between. We go to a 4 way lawyer mediation next week. So the only thing I really have left is the total 180. I posted a song on my Facebook yesterday (The Gambler) and put on my status you have to know when to holdem or fold em and I was folding them. No more facebook for me least for now. Trust me the temptations along with the hurt is killing me. She wont even let me see my two kids unless the court orders it, I can not be a minute early nor late that is how bad she has been. Im 36 she is 24 and I think it is some age factor as well.
Well good luck stay in touch, keep your head up think positive.