Need support today

[Bethechange]

I am new to these posts, and have just read the DB book. Began implementing some 180s but am having a lot of anxiety about letting H go. Found out about EA a month and a half go and have been crazed and out of control. I finally feel like I am gaining some control over my behavior, but it is very uncomfortable. I can see how my behavior was pushing him further away. Resisting the urge to talk about R. H says he has no new insights or things to say, and I realize that hearing once again how he isn't sure if he can stay or how confused he feels is only going to cause me more pain. Still I feel a lot of fear setting him free and not trying to persuade him to stay. I have to remember that he vowed to give up the EA and do this as fairly and thoroughly as possible. Each of us are in IC and MC together. As long as we are both working on ourselves I think things will change, but I am in a very tough spot emotionally today and need all of the support I can get to not indulge in counterproductive behavior. Day three of looking for 180 behaviors to do, and have held on so far, but feel myself slipping internally (if that makes sense). Trying so hard to not take this personally, but it's been devastating to my ego and I feel really vulnerable and needy. I realize that he has nothing to offer me right now and at first I was angry, because I thought my H should be there for me less than two years in to our marriage, but the fact is, he's not. No matter how sorry he feels he still needs to get to a place where he can be a stand up H and step dad, I really am not willing to settle for any less, even though I feel like I would take any crumbs today. I need to preserve my self respect.

[john28]

Stay strong. Alot of us (myself included) are going through the aftermath of an EA from our S. It's tough. Very tough.

But, you've got a lot going for you right now. H has stopped the EA, you're in IC and MC. That is alot further than alot of LBS have gotten. You're doing the right things. Just keep the WILL POWER to stay the course. You've come so far already!

[LarsB]

I can tell you firsthand...it takes time. What hurts the most is that the time won't pass as fast as YOU'D like for it to...but it does pass. I feel your pain just like it was my own, and I know it hurts! Do anything and everything you can to work on the anxiety, keep up the 180's, and yes...you'll slip from time to time but learn from those and don't make the same mistakes twice if possible. Keep going to counseling no matter what.
"As long as we're both working on ourselves I think things will change" YES, you are correct....but it takes time, so practice patience unlike any you've ever practiced before. It hurts, it's difficult...but hang in there and good luck to you!

[Bethechange]

We are leaving for a vacation together on Saturday. Taking two cars thankfully. I just need to grieve quietly rather than share if with him. At first it seemed he wanted to grieve the lost dream together, but now he has totally pulled away. He said that I kept pressing for an answer and I wouldn't like the answer he has for me today. Trying not to focus on the rejection and work on solutions. Working on being agreeable and not talking about anything besides what we need to do to run the house. I have asked him about work and how he's doing, just to show him I still care about him and I am willing to listen to anything he wants to say, but I am no longer pressing him. To be honest, I don't even know how I will ever rebuild my trust or learn to behave in a way that feels like true partnership with him. When I think about doing that work right now, I think why should I bother, he wasn't thinking about how to have a life with me when he started the EA, he had given up. The thing is I know I love him and was fully committed to building a life with him and our four kids. I wasn't doing it perfectly and I see every day things that I could do better, but I was giving it my best shot. It's been very hard to have compassion for him, even though I know he is hurt, guilty, and in a heck of a jam emotionally. I still am feeling this is something unfair that he did to me. I know playing the victim will do me no good at all. I have to be strong for my daughters and keep an eye on what we all deserve. We deserve a strong committed healthy relationship, and if that isn't going to happen, I will need to eventually make a decision. Today, I am trying to keep my sanity, count my blessings, and regain a sense of humor!

[pinhead]

BTC,

Don't worry about the 180s so much as GAL. That'll improve your self-esteem, which has taken a pretty serious hit. Oh, and welcome to the Father's Day Bomb Club. I'm going to hate that day for the rest of my life.

180s are hard, and take time to really think about. At first, everyone seems to think of 180s that will please their WAS. Do 180s that make you a better person. For example, I'm horrible at remembering people's names. I just didn't care. Now I make a really conscious (and obvious) attempt to memorize names.

This is hard. No doubt. You've been in this as long as I have, but everyone copes at their own pace. Keep your chin up, try to worry about the next hour, not the next day/week/month. Pretty soon you'll see some results: you'll have GAL, you'll have become a better person through your 180s, and perhaps he'll see these changes and want to try again.

[Bethechange]

Right. I was getting a life. I graduated from college this year and started doing some things I had put off for a long time, and all was well, until he started isolating, then I dropped everything. I have a list of things I need to be doing that I enjoy, for sure. Now that my brain is starting to settle down I think I can get back to some of it. I felt like my life had been completely hijacked, but if it stays that way it's on me. I went up to the computer to write a nice father's day message, even though I knew he hadn't been as into our home life as he had been, I was willing to show appreciation for the father he is. On the computer screen was the message between him and the OW and she was so excited for their future together and saying that it would take him awhile to get out of his sitch. He admitted to contacting her and defended her, saying she wasn't a homewrecker. It's going to be hard to get past the reality of that with him. Clearly he will need to do a lot to earn back my trust if he wants it, but I can't wait around while he decides he wants it or not. It is too damaging to me. Rebuilding self esteem does seem to be key.

[Bethechange]

I made him a Father's Day Video that was so beautiful, but he said all it did was make him squirm with guilt. I had no idea what was going on with him when I made it, but I sensed that he was dissatisfied, so I was trying to show him what a beautiful family we had and how much we appreciated him. He said it didn't come from the kids, so it made him feel worse, because it wasn't their idea, but they did other things for him. His expectations haven't been met. Well, mine haven't been met either. I was expecting a loving, faithful husband, instead it seems, at the moment, I have no H at all, except financially and a limited physical presence.

[Chuck66]

GAL is every day detail not big picture got a degree. Every day you should be doing something...keeping busy. Show your spouse that life goes on either with or without them. Always be leaving to do something. Sometimes I fake having to do something. Always say, "can't talk now got to run" and always said in a happy voice.
Heck, even on my thread you have 40+ year old guys talking about tanning for Pete's sake. Make it look like you do not have a care in the world. And guess what, after doing that for awhile, you really start to not have as many worries.

[Bethechange]

Thanks, Chuck.

The other morning he asked if I wanted to talk about R and I said no, I need to get ready for work. That was a new one, in the past I would have ended up in tears and made us both late for work. I am in a 12-step program which gives me plenty of excuses to leave the house and reminds me I can only change myself, and four kids to keep me busy running errands, the acting happy and carefree, that's the challenge.

I got the degree by giving myself permission to take the classes, study, and do projects rather than focus on the house and family all the time, so that was one day at a time, right now I have to focus on smaller bits, like going for a walk or reading a book or going out to dinner with a girlfriend. I plan on taking a lot of walks on vacation, taking a lot of photographs, and doing fun things with the kids...maybe buy myself something nice. I know I can do this.

He's been telling me I am strong and I can do it with or without him, but I also know he was saying that mostly to assuage his guilt. Oh and first he said it was everything but our relationship...the ex, finances, his personal crisis, but I see it really doesn't matter what he says, it's what he actually brings to the marriage. Love is an action word.

[Chuck66]

Believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see. The happy attitude was hard at first but once it started to bug my wife while she was always down and I was happy that I started to see signs of interest in me which is a switch because she usually only thinks of herself. Any change in spouses' behavior tells me I am on the right track. I even tap my finger on the steering wheel to songs on the radio while she tries to goad me into an argument. You CAN learn to let their words roll of your back like rain on a duck.